Well...Let me tell you about my sons father. He is 22 yrs old no job living off of his grandparents. He lives in there house still. He smokes weed all the time. He has no job(did i say that already) he has had a few but either quits or gets fired. My son is almost 3 yrs old. I went right to work after i had him. 8 weeks back to work. I worked my way up in the company that I work for. I have tried serveral times to break up with him. He keeps coming back and I like a fool take him back. My son loves his father very much. But he uses my son against me. Like if I want to go get my hair cut or even to go shopping for a few hours he wont watch him. Not that I want to leave him alone w/ him but i need some time or i'll go crazy. He'll call me and ask me go to spend the weekend at his house and i will say no. So the next time i ask him to watch his son he will bring that up. I am moving soon like an hour from him. ( i am happy he cant just show up at my house). He dosent pay child support or help me out with my sons day care or health insurance. I ask him all the time to help out and he wont. What can I do? How can I get him to be more involded w/ his son? How can I send him a clear pictur that it is not going to work out between me and him? Thanks...I am new to here and I had to vent...

I was in a similar situation a year or so ago. My daughter is now 2. If he won't help you, file for child support through the state. That's a pretty good signal that you're not interested in getting back together! And he'll be forced to recognize that he has to take responsibility for his kid. You can't force him to take an interest in the child. He's going to do what he wants when he wants, and you can't really do anything to persuade him one way or another. You can decide to let him be a part of the child's life (if he's good to your child) or you can cut him out (if his presence is detrimental to your child). That's really all you have control over, unless he takes you to court for visitation.

Kissie,
I too have a similar loser in my life. But my son is not even born yet. I'm 8 months pregnant but I decided at the beginning of my pregnancy I wasn't going to sit around and wait for his father to become a better person. He already has a child that he doesn't take care of. For the longest time that was so hard for me to comprehend. How could anyone not want to give their child everything. I didn't get it. I kept believeing that if I helped him and I wanted it bad enough he would quit drinking and drugs, he would get a good job and go, he would stop being so angry at life, and everything else he needed to do to make hiself a better person. Well i realized it one day. My son is more important to me than his his screwed up issues, and if he doesn't want to fix himself then I sure as hell can't do it. So I told him to stay away from us. I didn't want him around. I left. (we were engaged, just moved into a new condo, etc.) That made him angry and he started to be mean to me. Threatened me constantly. Refused to help me. I had less and less to do with him. I am 8 months pregnan and have been working two jobs most of the time. I have been sick and it has been hard, but I did what I had to do. I have school, work, and a home set up for me and my son to continue our lives. Eventually his father stopped calling. People used to ask me how do you feel about keeping a father from his child. My response is well first of all hes not a fther. I truely believe matching DNA does not make you a parent.(I have alot of adoption in my family) To be a father you have to grow up stop being irresponsible and immature. Stop lying to everyone about everything quit drinking and being abusive as a result. Those are qualities my sons "father" will NOT possess. There are plenty of positive male influences in my baby's life. I intend to keep it that way. If one day my ex decides he wants to grow up and act the way a man and a dad should to his child I'll let him. But we shall see if that day ever comes. People think children are so fragile but they are smarter than you think. My son will know I turned my world upside down to give him eveything. That I would do it all again. He'll will know he is the most important thing in my life. I wont have to tell him about his father he will see. Hun you can't change him he is what he is. But you don't have to sit there and put up with it. You do what's best for you and your little boy, he will get the picture.

It must be the year for loser dads or at least the past 8yrs have been. I have an 8yr that dad is simliar. I took him back a second time after our son was born and said screw this the dad is not worth it. Now I try to get him involved w/our son but he just has not ambtion to start a relationship.

I am now pregnate w/my second child by aother guy and he is claiming it's not his all of a sudden. The jerk said it was his right up until last month.

Like LauraEL stated she was not going to wait around for the daddy to come around and be a daddy. I've just decied the same thing. I need to take care of my son, me and my coming baby. I just don't have the time to worry about him coming thru for me or this baby. That's the same additude I've taken w/my 8yrs dad. The both go the picture that I was not going to come crawling back to them and begging them to come back to me.

Good luck and I hope that you can make him see the whole picture. You don't need him. Don't call yourself a fool b/c you keep taking him back. You just keep hoping that he will be a better partner and dad.

Good luck to you and I hope that you find peace w/him.

SPIRIT

Krissy,

well i read your post and first nice to meet you. to be honest i dont think there is anything you can say or do to get him to change. those words have to come from him only, not from you. he uses your son as a weapon against you cause he knows that is the only thing he has left to hurt you. i thik the best thing for you to do is try to be as successful as you can and the less you have to rely on him, the better you will be. at the same thing, the less he can use your son as a weapon against you. if i was you, i would move away. then i would wait a few months and give him a choice, either change and grow up to face your respondsibilities, or go away entill you can change. but those are only thoughts. sorry you have to go through this.

Kissie,
I cam relate to you on many of the same situations, except I have to children Jordyn 6 and Colin 3. FINALLY after 8 years I just got fed up. You will realize eventually that you deserve better and so does your son. You cant make them fess up and be involved in your childs life. Even though my daughter is 6 she knows that I am the one that is there for her. Very rarely will she ask if she is going to see him. When he does plan to do something with them he fails to follow thru. I was tired of the look of disapointment on their faces. So 2 years ago I did file for Child Support, not that doing that any good. I have never gotten anything from him. Oh well I did what I had to do. It is so hard today anywhere that you live to get help from anywhere. Even if you go to the state for help they look at you like you are the one that isnt doing what you should. .. believe me I have been there done that ! !
I havent been on this website very long but I have learned that talking about it and getting someone elses insight seems to help alot ! !
Good luck ! ! ! It is a slow process but it will work out for you ! ! !
Keep me posted ! !