I know that I posted this on another forum, but I hope someone else can help. I have a 3 year old daughter and we will be spending 2 weeks with my parents (seperate houses) for Christmas (we usually live 4 hours away.)

We usually visit my mother about twice a month since she has a good relationship with my daughter, however lately things have gotten BAD every time we go over there. We have only had this arrangement since August (before that we lived about 15 minutes away,) and things have been increasing in intensity ever since.

I understand that grandparents are "supposed" to spoil children, but this goes WAY beyond that. When we visit my mother undermines EVERYTHING that I tell my daughter and it takes a full week after we get home to get her to stop throwing temper tantroms about everything (and we only visit for a weekend.)

I tell my mom that she's my kid so I get to make the rules and she said that she is looking out for my daughter (huh?)

I am not overly strict, but if she says (and these are just minor examples) that's the last story, my daughter cries because she knows that will get Grandma to read another story so she does and then she cries after that one until I have to go in there and my mom says "mom said no more" making me the bad guy. Then my daughetr says she hates me, but if I go in there (like I have the last few times, after the story that is supposed to be the last one my mom says "that was vert rude")

or I'll tell her she can't have dessert because she didnt finish her dinner and if I leave the room to go to the bathroom I come back and she's eating pie!)

these are just examples, but it's a constant thing, where anytime I talk to my daughter she has to comment on it by telling me that I'm wrong, or doing it the way she thinks is right anyway.

I finally gave up with Thanksgiving break and we stayed at my dad's (I figured if we were there shorter time periods we could get along and it did not help AT ALL. We visited for 2 hours and I came home crying, because she makes me feel like a failure.)

I don't want to limit visits, but this is WAY out of control. And I know that in Illinois if I do limit them, she can take me to court for grandparent's visitation which would be even worse since then my daughter would have to go over there alone.

I get so depressed after seeing her, that I just starting "what's the point, I'm just a failure as a mother." And I'm actually dreading Christmas for the first time. If transportation would allow it we would only visit for a few days, but that's not an option.

Anyone PLEASE have any ideas?

How about trying a welcoming approach so that grandma has the opportunity to express her beliefs yet, you ultimately have the final say. Tell her you are more than happy to hear her advice and to discuss them with you privately. You don't have to follow through with them - just welcome them.

How about preparing your daughter before the visitations? After all, YOU are her mother and she is YOUR child. Write a list together of what the expectations are: "The Expectations at Grandma's House" - what it looks like; sounds like; feels like. [if she's too little, use picture symbols she can draw/colour] Have her recite it; make it fun; role play; ise it as a means to bond.

Empathize with her, understanding how confusing it must be for her to be guided by two opposing adults. Remind her who she's to be listening to and why, and that you love her.

If she acts up at grandma's house, pull out the list as a visual reminder. If grandma interjects, have HER explain to grandma the expectations. If grandma sneers, tell her how proud she was in making this list, then wink <<< that always seems to work. lol

Most importantly, choose your battles. Don't sweat over the small things and never do it in front of your child.

Best of luck! Let us know if it works out.
Jes, the newbie