I've been away from this site for a while, but am so glad to be back. I need help from some people who know where I'm coming from and can offer some advice on how to handle things. As some of you may remember, my wonderful son hasn't seen his father since he was 6 months old. He turns 8 in less than a month. This wasn't because I wouldn't allow his father to see him, but rather because his father didn't want to see him. I don't understand how a person could do that to their own kid. Anyway, my son has begun to get more and more depressed about the whole thing. I don't know what to do about it. He's getting to the age where I think he's needing real answers about what happened. My problem w/giving them to him is that it is going to hurt him bad. I have a friend who was a single mom but is now married to a great man, that told me earlier when I was crying my eyes out that it will hurt him, but it is better than me covering for his father and him thinking of him as some sort of hero. She says that I don't have to destroy him to tell him what is going on, but I just know in my heart that there isn't a way to not destroy his sense of self. It is tearing me up that I can't do anything. I did go to a site online and find public records for his father that gave me any and all of his addresses, phone numbers, criminal history (which luckily was non-existant) and the like. I would kind of like to know if anyone else in here would allow that information to be used by their kid. I almost feel like it should be his responsibility to explain why he hasn't been there for Ty, but I'm terrified of what he might tell him. Please help me decide whether or not to use this information. I'd like to hear pros and cons. Maybe someone can give me some insight that hadn't occured to me either way. I can't tell you how lost I've been and how much better I already feel just having gotten this out.

TM,
I am sorry you are having to face this. I wish I had answers for you. I don't. Evie knows her father but, has chosen not to have a relationship with him. He has honored that for 6 months now.

I, not being in the situation, would say to be truthful with him about his father's choices. I don't know if I would give him the info, yet. I am not certain what I would do really with that. Are you even positive it is current info? I have done an online search (and paid) only to turn up with 2 year old info.

I do find honesty is "the best policy" in a kid friendly manner they can understand.

I've tried being honest w/Ty w/o telling him everything. He has questions, though, that only his father can answer. I know that the info is credible because of some other places I went just to verify. That is one of the good things about now working in real estate. I can verify that thing and know where to look to get what I need. I am still debating whether or not to allow Ty to call and talk to his father. Part of me really likes the element of surprise, but a larger more rational part of me really is scared to death of that whole thing. I am just more or less trying to see what the pros and cons are from different perspectives. I feel like I have my nose rammed against the tree and am missing something really vital in the forest, so to speak. Thanks, CA!!!

Just an off the wall thought, don't know if this would be a real option. Is there any way for YOU to call the father? You ask him to explain what happened, maybe even tape record the conversation. If he says stuff that is kid friendly, let your son listen to it. If he chooses to bite your ear off, just throw the tape away. Then you can discuss the results with your son. If he still feels the need to talk to his father you'll have felt the waters and have a feeling about how that might go.

I don't like the idea of feeding the child to a stranger. Doesn't matter that this man is his biological father. He's a stranger, and giving him free reign to put ideas in your son's mind just isn't good.

I would find some way of putting in restraints, so that your son can get the answers he needs, but doesn't get exposed to the stuff he might not be able to deal with. Email, something, something where you can filter it.

Thanks, Charity. I was up until 2:30am because I'm trying to do what is best for my son and not what is best for his father. IF I did allow Ty to call, I would be on another line in the house listening into the conversation so that I could stop it if I felt that his father was feeding him a line or making him feel like he isn't worthwhile. I just see my little boy getting more and more angry and depressed because he wants to know his father, but his father has never been there for him. I'm frustrated, angry, sad and so many more emotions myself, so I can only imagine how Ty is feeling. I haven't completely decided how to handle this whole thing. I don't think that anything has to be decided right this second. I'm going to continue to think on it for now.

I've got to run this heart shaped cake up to the school for his party, so I'm outta here for a while. Thanks for the response, and I'll let you all know what, if anything, I decide to do.

This is a hard situation and I've had to deal w/it w/my son. I could see my son getting more and more angry and sad b/c his dad did not want anything to do w/him. Now they had gained a relationship that is still growing. I would suggest maybe if possble calling and talking to dad b4 TY calls. I did that w/my son's dad and for me it seemed to work out ok so far.

I would suggest trying to contact him on your own first and see how it goes and then slowly introduce your son on his territory. I allowed my son's father to spend the weekends at my to house to get to know my son. I just leave the room or take care of my daughter while they spend time getting to know each other. I am there id my son needs me. I don't know if this is an option for you or not but it seems to work best for me. That's if it gets this far for you and yoru son.

It's a tuff situation to deal with and my heart goes out to your son and you b/c it is a diffcult thing for you both to go thru. I hope that I could help in some way. I know it was hard for me to contact his father after some many yrs to allow him into my son's life. Like you I did not want my son to be hurt or made to be less of a person b/c of meeting his dad.

GOOD LUCK and keep us updated on how things are going.

SPIRIT

Maybe just start talking to Ty little bit. Sure it may hurt and there may be tears, but as you said he is already becoming depressed... he needs some answers and probably not as many as you think, for now anyway. Once he gets a few simple ones let him digest it... Watch and see if you need to contact his dad. You can answer, "I don't know why"

If there is one thing we all know, children are amazing at what they can absorb, what they can choose not to absorb... I think although it is scary and you have that worry in the end it will all be fore the better. He's showing you he's ready to hear some truth. As the rule goes, only as much information as they ask for and nothing more --- just like explaining the birds and the bee's. If you don't know the answer, don't speculate with him just be honest. ((((HUGS))) to you both, I don't envy your situation.

Hopefully this will help you out. My parents divorced when I was real young and my father stopped visiting after the first year, I was four I think. My mother is the greatest and she gave the four of us all the love in the world which made it so I didn't realize there was anything missing in our lives. She never kept secrets about why the marriage didn't work and gave us the option to see him since he was only 2 hours away. It wasn't until I was older, 17 or 18, that I wanted to contact my father. I did not want him in my life, I wanted to contact him to let him know that we did just fine without him. My contact attempts got me nowhere and then when I was 21 he passed away. Ok, there is my history, how doese it relate you ask?

Each situation is different but, I think you should allow him to contact his father and like you said be on the phone with him so you know what is said. Sure it will hurt him if his father doesn't want anything do to with him but as long as you are there to let him know things will be ok and that he is loved, he will be ok. It is tough growing up knowing one of your parents is out there and wants nothing to do with you but it makes us the people we are. We learn from it and someday when he has kids he will love them with all his heart and always be there for them.

Please don't let him call him. What if he says it was all your fault, you took him and ran off and wouldn't ever let him see his daddy? That his daddy loves him and misses him and wants to see him? Then when you organize a meeting he doesn't show up? More heartache. More heartbreak. Not for you, but for Ty. It's not fair for Ty to have to go through it.

If I were you, I'd call his father and ask him for the answers. Or tell him his son wants the answers. I like the idea of the previous poster.. record the conversation. If he doesn't say kid friendly things don't let Ty listen to it. Or maybe you should. So he knows what his dad is saying. He will know it's not your fault then.

I don't really have many answers for you but I definitely wouldn't let him call.

Thanks everyone for you responses on this. I'm not sure why, but I feel the need to clarify a few things that may have been misinterpreted. I have never discouraged Ty from getting in touch w/his father or vice versa. It has been a long time since we had an accurate address and phone number, so we haven't been in touch w/him for a while. Even when we did have accurate info on him, he never wanted anything to do w/his son. I would never stop his father from seeing Ty.

I have talked this over w/several different people and had a few different responses. I think I know what I'm going to try first. I have actually done this before, only to find out that it ended up at a bad address. I'm going to allow Ty to write a letter to his father and send it registered mail return receipt. Part of my issue w/doing this is that I'm not sure if Ty's step-mother is getting the letters he's sending and throwing them away w/o allowing his father to read them. I figure that if Ty is allowed to once again try to mail him a letter and this time doesn't get a response, then we will try the phone. My hope in doing this is that Ty will not get as hurt as he would having talked to his father and possibly be rejected.

I'm so frustrated and mostly just needed to get all of that out. Some of the older members who were there from way back may recall that I've had this issue before, but it always seems to come back to haunt me. Sometimes it helps just to get feedback from others who struggle w/the same or similar issues. I appreciate you all and can't tell you how grateful I truly am for each and every one of you!

TY's ...It's so unfortunate, and what's even more unfortunate is that a lot of us here have that same story ,,,I'd heard it a million times but it was never real to me until it happened to me ,,,,how a father ( or any parent ) could abandon there child. I used to ask my self is that really it? Do they really just leave w/out the intent of ever returinig ?Than i was reminded of my own child hood I'm grown and still have not heard from my "father " It's as brutal and harsh a reality as it gets. My daugter is only 2 so I'm not quit in your same boat but i will be when she is really old enough to ask ?'s and i dread that day ....I dont know if im helping at all but just wanted to let you know that your not alone all of us hear have to stick together ,,,be each other's rock ya know ,,,(wink),,,the sun will come out tommorow ,,,,we're only a day away

You know, I was just poking around and when I read your post, I had to register so that I could offer a little help.

Please don't bad-mouth or blame your son's father in front of him. It ALWAYS backfires and you end up looking bad. (Maybe not now, but 10 years down the road when the man finally grows up and comes around, all you will here is see, you didn't know what you were talking about)

I have two sons, the oldest is now 17. When he was about your son's age he asked why his friends go to go visit their dads on the weekends and his dad never even called. This broke his heart, and mine!! He would make up lies about visits to his dads and some weekends would not take calls from his friends so that they beleived his lies. It was one of the MOST heart wrenching things that I have ever lived through!

But, I NEVER bad-mouthed his father. (Like some of my friends did and now regret it.) I just told my son that I had no idea why his dad was doing these things and staying away. And that was the TRUTH! You may have your own ideas, but you can't put words into another person's mouth.

When my son was 12 he finally called his dad, and now they have a GREAT relationship. Dad calls 2-3 times a week. Lives in another state and plans a 3 week visit every summer that my son loves.

My son is almost 18 - 3 months and counting. He appreciates the fact that I never made him take sides, and that when he and his dad were ready to form a relationship I never got in the way. His dad and I were young - too young, and neither of us really knew how to handle everthing.

I don't want to see anymore hurt bitter kids - young adults - in this world! Some end up hating both parents and feeling sooooo alone.

OK, I'm done now. This just really hit home.

OnMyFeet

What a wonderful first post. Welcome to SFV OnMyFeet. Please feel free to join again anytime.

Neak, it helps more than you know just to know that people out there understand and can relate. When your daughter is old enough, you'll figure out what is best for her, you and her father.

OnMyFeet, I actually agree w/what you said. I have never talked badly about Ty's father to him or where he could hear it. I've wanted to, but have bit my tongue on many occasions. I've actually gone so far as to tell my son how he is like his father in looks, athletic ability and artistic ability. My son actually thinks his father is a super hero or something. That's the most frustrating part because I know he's nothing close to a super hero. I've said many times that I'd give anything to have my son get the one thing he wants more than anything else in having a relationship w/his father. I really wish that would happen. Right now, I'm just trying to figure out the best way to have my son initiate the contact he so desperately wants to have. Welcome to SFV and I hope that you stick around.

TM,
I think the registered letter is a great idea. I would go with UPS or FedEx so you can have it signed only by the person it is addressed to, and not someone else in the house. That way You know for certain if HE got it because you can track the letter on the computer.

I wish you the best and hope TY's dreams come true.

OnMYFeet, :welcome: I too hope you stick around. There are many great people here. We can always use a few more insightful and fun parents.