Last night, I was informed two good friends of mine are divorcing. They met when the wife and I were roommates and the husband came to visit me. I had known both of them for several years before they met each other, and cared about both deeply. Sadly, the mom is one who would rather go out than be with her family. She constantly bad-mouthed her husband, to my horror. She constantly called on me to choose sides in their arguments, which I refused to do, since they were both my friends. I worked with them over the course of several months to try and help them repair their relationship. Because of her behavior towards me, and towards her husband, I cut ties with them a few months ago. (I explain why in another post) The husband called me last night in a panic and we stayed up half the night brainstorming and talking. He had an emergency hearing this morning to settle custody of their daughter. I gave him as many pointers as I could and I wrote a statement for him to take with him. After he left and I layed in bed I thought about when they first met. They were so in love. They never stopped gazing at each other and I thought they would actually make it! Obviously, I knew there were problems, but to find out last night that it was really over just left me with this weird feeling. I just feel like "What's the point?!" Why do people even bother to get married any more?! I feel like I should tell my bf that we should never marry because I don't want to have it end so ugly. So, now I sit and just sigh because there are two more single parents in the world, and one more victim child. Seriously... what's the point?

I wish I knew the answer to that. I would like to someday get married, but have been told that it will probably never happen for me because I only want to have it happen once. I have been engaged, but didn't follow through w/marriage because of many reasons. I think that some people jump into marriage for the wrong reasons and/or thinking that it will be the fairy tale. People need to think about how much work is involved in keeping a relationship alive, and then multiply that by 1 million. It isn't easy and it isn't suppose to be. It can be rewarding if you realize that not every day is going to be perfect. I think that we should refer to the Walgreens commercial. We don't live any where near Perfect!

I'm sorry to hear about your friends, Sera, and especially sorry to hear about the child caught in the crossfire. It is definately a sad situation. Don't give up on the concept of marriage, though. Just go into it knowing that it will be work, but will be rewarding the more you nurture the relationship.

I thought the same thing after my dad died. I saw my mom go through so much pain, I still do. It was hard enough to lose my dad, not to mention someone you had spent 43 years with. I was afraid that the pain would be bad enough to warrant never having a relationship. My Mom said "Jeanne, do you love your kids?" OF course I do! "Did it hurt to have them?" Sure as heck did! "Your pain came before the blessing, mine came after." Relationships have the potential to be good, people make them bad and society does not encourage people to work things out anymore. Divorce is a product of deterioration and deterioration does not happen over night and there are usually warning signs that it is begining. If both people are determined that nothing short of infidelity or abuse is going to mess up what they have, why should we doubt our potential over two people who did not have that same commitment? When people say that love comes and goes they are right, the feeling of love can go, but it can "come" back too. Marriage is a commitment in a world where so many people can't commit anymore. My uncle retired from Ford company after 49 years, my friends can't stay at one job for more than 3 years. Society stinks not marriage.

"Society stinks not marriage."

awesome awesome awesome point.
Love isn't a feeling. My grandparents didn't stay married for over 50 years because they felt like it. HAH! quite the contrary. he cheated..she was very very mean...one of their children was stillborn..man I could go on and on. The stuff people get divorced over these days is part of life. Somewhere along the line the fact that love is something you *do* and not always *feel* has been lost. =/
Marriage is beautiful because it has nothing to do with feelings. It's all about giving of yourself...for no reason at all...when the other person doesn't always deserve it..and not expecting anything in return. that's called "agape'" and it's perfect love.
don't lose hope please!
-Meighan

You all are right. My husband and I were married for 17 years before he died. Trust me there were times when we were both glad we did not have a gun handy. There was one time I told him I was so mad I could beat the daylight out of him. He told me to go ahaid, so I bunched him in the chest. He had a bruse for a week. No I am not proud of it and it was the only time I actually hit him. My point is there is always going to be ups and downs in any relationship. He was devorced with 2 kids and did not want to be again. We came close a few times but we always remembered why we were together in the first place. I have learned that there are times in life when you just hold on the best you can and go for the ride. Kevin and I went through hell and back together. Inside of 8 years we had 6 deaths in my family and lost 3 children. All that emotion running loose is a part of life. We also learned to laugh at ourselves and not take our mistakes to seriously.
Ty's mom, schoolmommy, and meighan are right, society is part of it,but ultimately you have the choice not other people. Kevin and I chose to stay together and love each other. Through our harder times we chose to make our bond stronger by having patience with each other.
So I ask you seraphin is it worth it to you? I bothered because of the rewards.
IT WAS WORTH EVERY MINUTE!
Good luck to you and your friends.

Even though I am permanently seperated from my husband I do believe in marriage. I know it takes two to work through problems and I am the first to advocate staying together. Sometimes it isn't possible. Before my own situation I must admit I was quite judgemental and thought people who divorced or seperated were just weak. I know better now. In some cases (unfortunately it seems to be more and more these days) when there is abuse in the home, and the other partner refuses to admit there is a problem, or refuses to seek help, it's time to get out fast. I learned the hard way. I went through 6 marriage counslers, and 3 of them were ministers. In my case it didn't help. Still to this day, alot of people think my ex is a great guy. This great guy left severe bruising on my children whenever the counslers said I had to trust him and leave them alone with him. The reason I'm writing this is that I pray others won't fall into the same trap I did. I'm not saying anything about anyone in the previous posts, just myself.

I agree society stinks! lol

Thanks everyone.
I never believed in marriage before I met my bf. He is so amazing. You are all probably tired of me saying that! lol. I know that marriage is work and with him, I am willing to do it. I am with Ty's Mom in that I will only get married if I KNOW it will last. Not if I think it will, or I assume it will "get better". Before I met my bf, I had already accepted that I would never meet a guy who would be able to meet my VERY high standards. After too many bad relationships and settling too many times (and being cheated on too many times) I stopped dating and started planning for a life with me and my son alone. I made a decision that I would NOT date another man who did not meet my standards. No more settling. My standards were:
1. Self sufficient. Doesn't have to have a LOT of money, but he has to be able to support himself. I refused to support another man. (too many!)
2. Funny. He had to make me laugh. If he was too serious or never cracked jokes, I didn't want to be with him. Too many boring stiff guys out there!
3. He had to accept my son. Doesn't have to LOVE him right away, but couldn't be one of those guys who "don't like kids" I am not re-arranging my schedule for a man so my son isn't around. I had too many guys who would ask me "well can't you find a sitter?!" all the time. It's like.. "sure, but I don't want to leave my son, I hardly see him as it is, and I don't have money for a sitter. Are you paying the sitter? No? so sorry."
I met my boyfriend in the middle of the night in a coffee shop. It was shortly before midnight on Jan 1. We stayed up all night talking, and by the time the sun came up, we were in love. He has already let me know he is committed to marrying me one day, but neither of us is in a rush. We've been living together for 7 months now. It hasn't been all rainbows and butterflys, reality HAS set in lol. We fight once in awhile. The thing that I love so much about him is that when we DO fight, we are always able to talk it through. We don't go to bed mad. And he makes me laugh constantly. Not a day goes by that he hasn't made me laugh at least once. And he totally gets my dry sense of humor too. I know I want to marry him, but I keep hemming and hawing over it. He's made the commitement to me (in front of his sister no less!) but I can't bring myself to say the same to him. I was engaged once when I was 18. We were engaged for a year and then I broke up with him. I understand that your feelings change. With my bf now, it just gets better and better. Every day he re-confirms to me that he is the one I am meant to be with. Yet I still hesitate! Seeing my sister get divorced in Oct, and now my friends getting divorced, and many in the past, I just don't see the point. I fuggure me and my bf can just keep living together for years and years and eventually the fear will go away and we can get married. In the meantime,I am going to sit back and wait to see if those feelings fade, like they always have in the past. So far, they are just getting stronger. But we haven't even been together for a year, so we got PLENTY of time Thanks for the encouragement. Sometimes, all the negatives in life seem to overshadow the postives.

BTW... my parents have been married 30 years with no sign of trouble! Their relationship isn't perfect, but they work on it constantly. I use them as an example of how a relationship should work.

Sera, I look at my grandma and realize that marriage isn't a necessity if you really love someone. My mom's parents divorced ages ago, and my grandpa remarried like 30 or more years ago. Grandma met a man and lived w/him for 25 years, and just married him 2 years ago Valentine's Day. You know when it is right, and it took them 25 years! You'll be ready when you are. You can't force it. I think you and I are just as similar as Ty and Blair are. I have very high standards, and refuse to lower them ever again. I have in the past, and have only gotten hurt. Long lasting marriages do happen, and I personally intend to find one of those!!!!

I don't knock people for hesitating to commit out of fear. I get ill when it is apparent that they are hesitating because they are wondering if therer might be someone "better" for them. Even with fear though I think there is a point where even a good man or woman would say they were tired of waiting. Now if you are living together and getting all the other benefits of marriage waiting does not sound as hard, but for those that don't agree with living together or doing certain marital things making the otehr wait for years while you decide this is really "worth" it is not very fair to that person. In my opinion. Not directed at anyone or any post just thinking out loud (or typing apparently?) LOL.