So today I picked up my kids from the ex's place at my usual scheduled time. When i was walking up to the apartment, I heard him making more noise than usual, and wondered what the heck was going on. My son opens the door for me, and sitting on the couch playing a video game is this girl I've never seen before. She's youngish, cute, and bubbly. I try not to stare, and step into the apartment (something I don't normally do). So me and the ex chit chat a little, and then my son walks up to the girl and starts playing with her zipper. Then he said "Let me zip you up! hehehe!" and starts to giggle hysterically. It was like I was shot in the heart. I found out later that she was in fact a date for him, as he called me at the boys bed time and it was obvious he was out somewhere.

I have a boyfriend that I love a great deal. I don't believe these feelings are jealousy per se. IMHO, she can have him if she wants him! But when I saw my kid playing with her zipper and giggling with her, I began to wonder how often she's been coming around. I don't think this was the first day. I am *SO* not ready to share my kids. They're MY kids. I don't want them to have another mom. I know this is SOO presumptive and jumping the gun by a long shot, but man it hit me like a ton of bricks tonight. One of these days I might have to share my kids, whether I want to or not. That scares the hell out of me. Its hard enough sharing with my ex (who gets them most of the time right now, but that will change in about a month) but thinking about my kids having another female around who will share a similar role to mine is driving me insane.

Don't tell me I'm being silly, or stupid, or any of those things. Don't tell me that he can date, I know he can date. I already had my "friend" so eloquently tell me that I'm being stupid for being weirded out by the whole scene. I am kind of offended that he would blatantly flaunt the fact he's dating when the divorce isn't even final for another 2 months. THAT kind of sucks. But other than that, its his life and its none of my business what he does in it. But once my kids are involved, it is my business.

I don't know how to shake these feelings now. I certainly don't want to spend the entire weekend obsessing over this girl I saw sitting on the couch. That would really ****.

Girl, I wish I knew what to tell you because I'm kinda going through the same thing. I haven't seen the girl around my daughter but just the thought of it makes me ill. I could have written your post. Maybe someone can help.

All I can say is that no one can replace you in your childs heart. No one!! Plus it probably won't last. It really isn't fair that we have to go through stuff like this. I have to think of the other woman as just like an aunt or something to get by. Not really an aunt but in my childs world just some woman that she gets to see every once in a while. I know in my life I loved my aunts but not anywhere near like I love my mother. It is sad that we have to but we have to just do the best we can to accept it. And if you don't like something put a stop to it.

I don't think women were made to share. We don't want to share our mates and we sure as heck don't want anyone else taking care of our kids. Can you imagine if she spanked your boys. OHHHHH!!! It just drives me nuts thinking about it.

Good luck.

Well, maybe if you think of it differently. My best freind, Stef, has a 2yo girl. The 2yo's dad has remarried.

The girl that he married, Michelle, is the most kind hearted, loving, gentle, wonderful woman. It was so much easier for stef to accept michelle, because she got to know her, and was able to see that michelle had a kind soul.

He's going to date again, hopefully he picks a nice girl who will treat your children with love. Someone might be their step mom someday.

Have you ever thought of the kind of step mom you would want your boy to have??

I don't hitnk anything that anyone can say here will make it **** less. But I do believe that the only thing that will is exact;y what leftover said... YOU have to chnage the way you think about it. My ex has a girlfriend that played with my kids when I was friends with her (ya'll figure that one out) and she is no less kind to them now than she was before (when he makes an attempt to see them, if ever). Do you bring your bf around your child? Do you think the ex is obsessing over that? Who knows, but I don;t hink you can dictate who your ex brings around your child unless they are affecting the child in a negative way.

No, my bf and I don't see each other very often at all, and generally when we do the kids aren't with me. I think he's only spent time with the kids 3 times in the time we've been together. My ex doesn't even know I have a boyfriend, I am at least gracious enough to keep my social life out of his face.

A male side of the coin? Ladies my ex insists that step-dad be called "daddy". (see-Step-Parents...Step dad by name or "daddy"). My girl and I are very close but I can relate to your feelings. It bothers me that I can work so hard to be the best dad I can and my ex pushes my girl to call another man "daddy". If I was a dead beat and was never involved than that would be different but that isn't the case by far.

It may kill you right now to think of "another mommy" around your kids but you better make friends with the idea. There is really nothing you can do about it.

Leawyn,

HEY! you need to relax, sister! So he's got another woman! You know how _I_ deal with it?! I feel sorry for her. You know in your heart what a mean-spirited and controlling man you were married to. You know how he would berate you in front of your kids, family, or actually anyone who would listen. He was awful and you know this. She will know it too one day, and if she never knows, well, thats even sadder for her. As for feeling like someone else is trying to be mommy, you know THAT will never happen! You are their mom and those kids love you like crazy! If they get another woman influence in their life, its not so bad. You know my ex is dating that crazy woman. I still feel sorry for her, and they have been together three years! I don't care that he calls her "MommyNette" because I know that I am still Mommy.. and just Mommy! No one can replace me, and no one can replace you! Try to think of her like an aunt, like mommat said, or like a female teacher, or one of the aides at your kids school. She is just another adult female in your kids life, but she will NEVER EVER be you! Okay?!

Hi Leawyn,
I agree with Serephin. It is difficult, but you have to look at it differently. I will tell you it could be a lot worse. My ex's girlfriend use to pinch my daughter's tiny cheeks together and insist she calls her mom. (You will call me mom")One day my daughter came home with a bruise on her cheek that was so faint...but there...I asked her where she got that bruise, and she told me! When I talked to her dad about it, he denied it, and then I spoke to the girlfriend. It was horrible. I only say this to tell you that your son sounds happy and like he is adjusting. Happy is always good. You aren't sharing...your son is...and that means you taught him the value of friendship. How to act and treat people for who they are. Your son has probably never once thought of her as a mom. That is you thinking that. So just watch and enjoy his enjoyment and know that it could be a whole lot worse. Don't sweat it...your kids will pick up on your discomfort and it could bring on some other issues for all of you. Take care

If you have a boyfriend then I don't understand why this is bothering you so much. You said that he is flaunting the fact that he is dating, yet you also have a boyfriends before the divorce is final. You have to realize that he is not going to be single forever. It sounds like you still have feelings for him. You may want to take a step backand analize this from a impartial view. Who has custody of your kids? I noticed that you said that he has them most of the time for now, but that will change next month. Whatever he does with his kids during his time with them is his own business. If she is not harming your kids or making them uncomfortable in any way, then be happy because you are not in a bad situation. If your ex trusts her arounds your kids then you probably should too. I know starting over sucks, but you have to be strong for your kids. They will always know that you are their mother, don't worry about that. I'm sure the other girl is not trying to be their "other mother" she is just trying to treat them well. Take a deep breath and relax.

Are you both still legally married to each other and dating other people?

Isn't that cheating?

Thanks for the support there Lyndsie. I told you that my ex does not know I have a boyfriend because I don't flaunt it in his face like this apartantly was. I don't much care that he's dating someone else, it was just a surprise and it made me feel weird. Thanks to the support of most everyone here, I feel alot better about it and know i was overreacting.

And FYI, in CA (and other states) its perfectly legal to date once the seperation occurs. We've been seperated for 6 months now, going through the divorce for 4 of that.

I don't think you're overreacting. I think it's a totally normal reaction to the situation presented to you.

Anyone else would feel the same.

I don't think you are over-reacting at all either. It is perfectly normal to feel the way you do. Just try to remember that you are the only one who is their mom and they know it. Best wishes.

I have to agree with everyone else here. I was, and maybe am still, in the same boat. My ex started dating again as soon as my car was outta teh driveway and has been with his new gf since (about a year now). She has no kids, doesn't want them. But WE have a little girl. Megan was seeing her dad a lot and I didn't find out till about 4 months into their relationship that they were together (call me blind, I guess) and that Meg saw her on a regular basis. Of course, I went ape. I don't have a man and haven't really had one. I did, however, let my ex know that his gf was not my child's mother and would not be called as such. But better darn well treat her good as gold. She came home from dad's one day with painted nails and I went ape again... isn't that a mom's job?? The gf vowed to never paint Meg's nails again. I've gotten over my jealousy (that's what it was for me, and maybe for you, if you step back and look) cause I know what a jerk the ex is (he was just convicted of 4 counts indecent exposure) and she can't see... how sorry for her. But my baby knows who's number one in her life... ME. She knows who mommy is and no one can change that. Just breathe and relax... it could be worse.

Adrianne,
Try not to show the insecurities in front of your daughter. Painting your daughter's fingernails is not that big a deal. It's not like she went to a school parent/teacher conference without you knowing about it. There are so many other things to sweat about. I guess I am commenting because you still sound so jealous/angry of her doing that. It is good that you can see that you were being jealous. It is really viewed by your daughter as just something girls do in general.(except for me of course ) You don't want your daughter to think she did, or is doing something wrong by showing a little affection. You are her mom...and your daughter knows that, but try to keep your battles limited to the really important stuff...otherwise you will just sound like a constant complainer to them and someone who will just never be happy about anything, and they will stop listening to you and do what they want. You are lucky the g/f respects your outburst and won't egg it on..cuz she very well can do what she wants when you aren't there. You don't want to end up becoming bitter. Pick your battles and make them count.