i have to admit...2 years ago i was sitting back saying i hated the fact that girls who are unmarried, with a loser guy, and not in a successful job got give birth to a child. now i am looking at myself...23 years old...i was the biggest loser i have ever met....i had a really crappy job...(now i dont have one) and i got pregnant. i have become the people that i always made fun of.

my baby's father...Clif...who i dated for a total of 5 months...(i got pregnant in the first month)is probably the biggest loser that i have ever met. he was 28, living on income from the state...no job...no car...addicted to drugs and alcohol...and to top all of it off...he was diagnosed manic depressive bipolar. all of these things that i didnt now when i met him.

when i got pregnant i didnt tell him. i actually never told him. here is the time line of our relationship...we met on halloween...i was pregnant on thanksgiving...he went off his medication for his bipolar in febuary and got arrested in march...and i decided that he didnt need to be in my life. i havent talked to him since then...that was almost a year ago.

i was scared that i was pregnant...and i didnt tell ANYONE...i kept my prenancy a secret till i was almost 7 months. i tried to put my son up for adoption. but through the process i was told that Clif would have to sign the papers as well as myself. i gave the agency all the information about Clif that i had and they started to try to locate him. after telling my friends and family about me being pregnant and my decision to go through with the adoption...the agency found Clif and he wouldnt sign the papers. "How can she give up our baby?? ill just sue her for child support" were his exact words...so i decided to keep my son. and on Sept 1st 2005 i gave birth to the most beautiful baby boy i have ever seen. he has changed my life and dont know what i would do without him.

i am now a single 23 year old mother...no job...living with my mom and i have no idea what i am going to do with myself. since i am not working the income that i have coming in from the state is minimal. i am scared to go back to work and leave my son in day care...i am also heading to court for a paternaty test and child support in feburary. i dont want Clif to be a part of my sons life. his criminal and drug abuse background scares me to death and is the reason that i got out of the relationship in the first place.

what i awould like to know is if my son is going to resent me for all the decisions i made??...what should i do about going back to work?? what if the court says that Clif has every right to be in his life?? what should i tell my son about his father if he doesnt go to court and we never see him again?? i think that i have made all the right decisions in my sons life...do you think i have??

I see some mistakes, welcome to life. If the father decided he wasen't going to sign off on your child, then he needs to pay support, no if ands or buts. Children love us for how we act, not for a mistake we made before they were born.

be at peace, do the best you can, your kids will love you. Mine do, and I still make mistakes.

The good news is that his criminal record will help you in obtaining full custody of your child. The fact that he was arrested for doing drugs shows he in a danger to the children and is automatic at the most supervised visitation.

As for everything else, I thought when people got married it was suppose to be forever, still do. What God has put together no man can seperate! It stated in the bible that if you get a divorce and marry another, you are commiting adultry. Moses talked about writing a letter to your wife to you can leave her and marry another, then Jesus said when questoned about this that he said that for the sinners who couldn't resist leaving their wives. They were still committing adultry and trying to seperate what God has put together. My wife is trying to put on the religious shield for court and she doesn't even realize that I might not go to church, but I have a high respect for the bible and believe in it.

My point is that when we are young we do not understand the world. I looked at marriage growing up as a no brainer, you either know or don't know if someone is right for you. Now I realize that there are so many elements that need to be taken in that it is almost impossible to know.

Was I the perfect father or husband, far from it because I am human (I think). Was I a good husband and father, yes because I always tried my best and had perfect INTENTIONS (except that I picked the wrong mother for my children, a mistake I alone made). Do I love her, yes. Will I always love her, yes. Will I let her back into my life, never. I won't let her put my children in harms way ever again. I made the mistake of allowing my wife to get away with too much, putting my children in nemberous situations that could have been dangerous. Why, because I always believed in the best in people and more so in my wife because I wanted her to be a good mother. Wanting and the actual state of being though are different.

I can honestly say you are not a bad mother. Bad judgement, you are as guily as I am. Bad person, no because you have something that some people don't, you care and you can't teach that to someone. you either do or don't.

Stop being hard on yourself, you are only human. We both had a point of view of something in life and we learned the hard way we didn't understand all the aspects of life. No one really does, the old saying you learn something new every day. Just what we learn early seems to be harder usually then what we learn late (We are wiser and what we learn late is the finer points USUALLY).

So hopefully you understand that it isn't your ability as a mother that was bad, just a few choices. Someone once said the past is a stone, the future a blank book. The present is the page you are on currently. The past is in the stone, written and unchangable (Don't menion Back to the Future, that didn't count but was still a good series). The future unwritten, not worth worrying about when it hasn't even come. You should worry about the page that is in front of you, the blank one you are writing on. That is the only thing you can control, the only thing that really matters for the moment. The future will come in time, whether you like it or not but it will be an easier future if you just focused on the hear and now.

Lion King - The monkey his Sumba in the head with his stick.

Simba: "Why did you do that?"
Monkey: "It doesn't matter, it is in the past!"
Simba: "Yes but it sure hurt!"
Monkey: "Yes true, the past can hurt, but the way I see it, you can either run from it or learn from it." The monkey swings his stick again at Simba but Simba ducked this time knowing it was about to come. "Ah, see what I mean, so what are you gonna do?"
Simba: "First I am gonna take your stick!" Takes the stick and throws it to the side, then runs home to face his past and place as the Lion King!

Sorry, but I had to mention it because my daughter watched the Lion King at least every day if not a few times a day, and this little section of the story seemed to fit what I was trying to say. See, even we can learn from our children's shows (We already know our children teach us everyday).

Well, I talked enough (I am really good at that, ain't I) so I am going to sign off now. I hope you stop doubting your mothering skills and just focus on you goals. You obviously want a better job so start taking steps to do that. UPS, I wrote a while thing about working there part time as a supervisor. You get benefits and great pay. On top of that they are very supportive of you as long as you are good at heart and give yout job your best. They have given me off every night before I had to go to court, I felt bad asking so many times but they continue to tell me no problem and work with me (Salary so I am paid if I am there or not but still receive overtime if I choose to work over 5.5 hours in one day or 27.5 hours in a week. The pay is way more then Wal-Mart working fulltime or McDonalds as a Manager (Done both) and is salary so you are garantted to so much a month meaning you can easily create a budget. Becoming a supervisor is very easily (took only a month for anyone who wanted to be one, all you need to do is show a willingness to work, be on time, don't call out, and a desire to be a supervisor).

With all that said I hope I started you down the right path. Don't feel sorry for yourself, start climbing the ladder of your life and start reaching for your goals. I am still on WIC and Food Stamps, but I am paying for my own house and the bills. Also UPS is very picky about education. They don't require you having one but they do insist on you having a desire to further your education. They offer many programs at any level to help you get your degree. Most people work there just to get through college, other for the free benefits if you are not a supervisor and they are very good benefits which will allow you to choose more doctors then the ones offered to you by state programs.

I hope this helps, it is the path I took. I am now working for UPS at night on the ramp (working with airplanes) and I love my job. I get to spend all day with my children (I don't sleep much but I am ok with that) and study for law school online while I raise my children. Eventually I will become a lawyer thanks to UPS and will be able to persuit a better life for my children. The bottom line is that there are a lot of ways to start stepping up the ladder, mine might not be the best for you or it might be, but at least it should give you hope that there is more out there then what you have in front of you now (Remember 40 years ago college wasn't needed to get a job, only the ability to do the job, now the world has change and people fight over jobs. On top of that most people lack the skills their parents learned growing up because you can no longer raise your children the way you were raised, laws dictate new ways of raising children along with the changing environments and society. With change comes the good and bad.

Ok take a deep breath and calm yourself. I was in your situation nine yrs ago and I decied to keep my son. My son does not hate or resent me one bit. He loves me just as much as if I had stayed w/his dad. I always swore I would never have two kids single parent w/different fathers. I wanted to do my 2nd pregnancy right. Guess what life never turns out the way anyone wants.

I ended up pregnate in march 2005. I was once again a single mom and pregnate and my kids had two different fathers. I had my daughter on dec.29 05. She is so sweet. My son loves her I love her and she worships us. Finally two someones that worship the ground I walk on!! LOL!

As far as not working its ok. I'm on states help now and that is not a whole lot. I've always worked full time and now to go to now working is cary for me. I'll make it thru and so will you. Enjoy your son now and worry about working and everything later. You're not ready to leave your son yet. I know I'm not ready to leave my daughter yet. I'm sorta enjoying being a at home mommy to both of my kids.

It sounds like your making some good descison right now. Trust yourself you know whats best for both of you.

SMILE

SPIRIT

quote:

Originally posted by KalebsMommy:[qb]
what i awould like to know is if my son is going to resent me for all the decisions i made??...what should i do about going back to work?? what if the court says that Clif has every right to be in his life?? what should i tell my son about his father if he doesnt go to court and we never see him again?? i think that i have made all the right decisions in my sons life...do you think i have?? [/qb]

Okay I realize this post is a month old but I hope you come back to read these replies. I was the same way you were, making fun of those "stupid" girls. I knew a girl who had three kids by three different guys. I wouldn't be friends with her because of it. Come to find out, she's a really great person and just made some bad decisions. I turned into that girl. What goes around, comes around. But what you have to realize is you have a precious baby boy now that you have to worry about.

Your son is not going to hate you for any decisions you've made. Hopefully he won't ever hate you for any reason. As long as you are making decisions that are healthy for the well-being of your son, that is ALL you can do. Those ARE the right decisions!

Have faith in yourself, and in all of your choices. Hopefully they will say that Clif can't be in his life (if that is what is best for the baby) and then you won't have to worry about it. If they give him visitation, of course that will be hard.. but just pray about it and everything will be alright!