I'm not sure how to start. Its Christmas eve, almost 10pm. Tomorrow I was supposed to go to my parents house with my bf. They've never met my bf so it was kind of a big deal to me. I got a new outfit for Blair to wear and I was excited about my parents getting to finally meet my bf. As many of you know, my brother molested me for years when I was younger and this year I told my parents I didn't want to see him any more. I told them this because I had found out that when I had revealed to my parents two years ago about the abuse, they had driven up to his house and confronted him. I never knew they had confronted him. Anyway, after they confronted him, he called my sister, who he had also abused on one occasion, and he apologized to her. I never got a phone call. He abused me for five years, I kept the secret for 15 years. I became deeply depressed and finally confessed to my parents what had happened to me when I was 25. They never talked to me about it again until this year when all that was revealed to me. As I said, I came to the decision that I didn't want any contact with my brother, mostly because I couldn't be in the same room as him without really going off on him. His wife and kids still have no idea any of this happened. I called my sister today to ask if my brother was going to be at my parents house tomorrow and she told me yes! I got so mad! I made it VERY clear I didn't want to see him any more! They were not going to say anything to me! They were just going to let me and my bf show up at their house without even knowing my brother was going to be there! My bf is also quite angry with my brother and has made it clear he doesn't ever want to have to act nice to him for any reason. I can't do it either! I can't go through one more holiday pretending those things never happened to me! I can't sit around chatting with my brother like he didn't do those things to me! He ruined my life! He stole my childhood from me! I have been in and out of therapy practically my whole life to try and figgure out what's "wrong" with me, and he just gets to live his life! He's never been punished! He's never repented his sins! And so I refused to go to my parents house tomorrow. And now I am STILL mad because it's not fair! Why should I miss out on Christmas when HE did something wrong! My sister told me "Why can't you put your anger aside for one day! It's Christmas!" I just screamed "This is BS! I can't believe this!" She hung up on me. I feel like my family is against me! I want them to recognize what happened to me and respect my wishes, but they want to prented like nothing has happened and me acting like this won't let them forget. They are mad at me. My mom told me I am tearing apart the family. ME?! I didn't do anything! HE is doing this! He did this 23 years ago when he started abusing me, and he's still doing this by pretending he did nothing wrong! And my family agrees with him! they are like "shhh, shhh, it's been swept under the rug. Hush, don't speak of it. It's a secret, an awful family secret and we don't talk about the family" I am reading a book about a girl who was abused by her family when she was young. I see myself so much in that book, her struggles to maintain healthy relationships, her inability to let people close to her, the way she confronted her family, and they ignored her, and tried to deny her abuse. I am just so frustrated at my family, I don't know why I continue to try and maintain a relationship with them. It's hard with us all living in the same city. I feel like going over there and erasing my number from their phone book and disappearing. I don't want to talk to them any more, they dont believe me, they think I am crazy, because of the depression two years ago. I am so much happier now, living with my bf and my son, having my new life. They still want to believe I am crazy, that I am just spouting nonsense like I did when I was so far into my depression I couldn't leave my house. I have struggled with what happened to me as a child for my entire adult life. I don't really know what I am seeking out here, except to get this poison out of my system. My bf is wonderful and is trying to make it up to me, since I feel like Christmas is ruined. He said tomorrow we will just stay home and open presents here and forget about my family. We'll stay home with my new family. There is still 26 hours of Christmas left, I hope it can be saved.

Merry Christmas Sera,

Stay with your boyfriend and Blair. Christmas is supposed to be a happy time. Not for dredging up old ghosts. Smile with Blair tomorrow and kiss your boyfriend. Have dinner and take pictures. Focus on the happiness there. My best wishes for you and Blair and your boyfriend. Try not to let your frustrations eat you up.

Sera,
I am so sorry to hear you are having to go through this. Stay with your family (your son and boyfriend) for Christmas and make new memories that you will look back on fondly forever.
I have a dear friend that was my daughter's daycare provider for 8 years. She told me of a similar story that she had growing up. Her biggest triumph in life was forgiveness. The forgiving is not for the one forgiven but for the one doing the forgiving. That was a very strong triumph that released her from exactly what you are going through. She was able to go on with her life and build a strong happy family. She also has made friends for life in parents and has children she has helped raise that almost worship the ground she walks on. She is a beautiful, well rounded, well adjusted person. Even if you never have anything to do with your family again ... my wish for you is to find forgiveness ... for you because then you will heal.
Bless You .. Merry Christmas.
Carla

I called my parents to tell them I would come over tomorrow, the day after christmas, instead of today. He said "Don't bother, we have nothing to celebrate" I was so hurt. He basically told me to get over it, it happened a long time ago and in his eyes, me and my brother are equals. He told me to stop living in the past. I got mad and told him that I didn't want to have to go there and pretend nothing happened, I was tired of pretneding. He told me that we were family, and I told him that my brother was NOT my family because family doesn't do thing like that! He said thats my choice and that I am ruining the family. He claimed not to remember me saying I didn't want to see my brother. I was so frustrated and mad, he wouldn't hear what I had to say! I told him he didn't understand what it was like for me, and that it may have happened a long time ago, but it still affects me today. He wouldn't listen. I am confused at the way I am being treated, like *I* did something wrong! Anyway, I am just gonna stay home and play with all of Blair's new toys and try to forget that my family would rather live without me that live with the truth.

Hi Seraphin,

Had a couple of spare minutes and saw your post. A very wise person told me this years ago: �When a group is playing a game and one of the members change the rules of the game, the group does one of two things � 1. Goes with the rule changes or 2. Kicks the player out of the game.� Looks like your family is playing the game too many families play - denial. And as you�ve gotten healthier and refuse to go along, it�s easier to peg you the culprit than deal with those family secrets. It�s obvious your family�s very unhealthy and your dealing with this puts them in a position to either face it as well or stay in denial. And unfortunately for you and your family, looks like they�re choosing to stay in denial.

I�m so sorry for you. But also proud of you in that you�re refusing to let what happened ruin your life. I think everyone�s right � stay with the family that�s going to let you continue to heal. You also have a much larger family here. We�re all rooting for you.

I still believe in miracles � I�m hoping this will actually turn out to be the best Christmas you�ve ever had.

Larry

Sera, I am pretty much at a loss for words. I will wish you continued healing in whatever way you need to deal with this. Sorry that your family has been divided by this and know that none of the fault belongs to you. Best wishes.

So you were 10 years old when this happened to you by your brother? How old was he when he did this to you? Just curious.

I hope that your decision set in well with you this last couple days. I am sorry that this has happened. Best wishes. Karen

Sera,

You and I have talked in private about this in the past and your post has made me cry so hard. I wish I had been home and read this on Christmas Eve - I'm glad you got through the Holiday.

It isn't your fault - and your family needs to realize that they would have inprisoned any person outside of the family for what happened to you. They can't verify the facts...although it sounds like your brother admitted. There is no way to forgive an offense like that - no matter how hard we would all wish to in your situation I know you can't.

You have to have faith in karma or a higher power on this one and pray that your family will back down. You may miss out on them for a while because of their ignorance, but keep trying to help them to understand the best you can - and now remember this part : Life is on your terms, you are no longer a child and you are able to speak loudly and be heard. Stay strong, I'm very proud of you!

Sera,

I missed this post by not being online all weekend long. I can't even begin to imagine what kinds of things must have gone through your head when you found out this monster, aka your brother, would be there after you made your wishes known. How sad is it that your family would rather put on a happy front than face the real tragedy that has occured. You are so blessed in so many ways that your family may think that you should be strong enough to handle this. I believe that you are strong enough, and that you handled it in the best way for your new family. You are incredibly brave and deserve so much more respect than your parents have shown you. I hope that this didn't spoil your Christmas. I hope that Blair's smile made all that you "sacrificed" by not going over there worth it all! I will probably send you a pm a little later, but for now, I will simply end w/you know that there are many, many people that love and care for you and wish you only the best that life has to offer!

Hi Sera,
I read your post a couple days ago and have been thinking about it. I am not sure how to ask this so please forgive my lack of tact. I know you are not the one to blame and you should not take blame for something you did not due wrong. Your emotions are very justified.
What do you want your family to do? Do you want them to disown your brother? How would that help you? You have a wonderful son. What if he does something horrific? Would you disown him? Of course not. I am trying to show how your family is caught in the middle with no real way out.
Your brother may be sitting in a place of so much guilt he can not say sorry. I would let him sit in it. He will have to face judgement one day and you need to have faith in that.
Carla had a very good point that forgiveness is going to be your only way to true freedom. Just because you forgive him does not meen that you have to continue a relationship with him and pretend everything is okay. Forgiving him would free YOU and your welfair is the important issue.
My brother beat the daylights out of me while my Mom watched. He put me in the hospital 3 times as a young teenager. I know it is not the same but I carried a lot of anger for a lot of years. Through forgiveness I have now moved on. My mother or him no longer effect me and it sounds like that is where you need to get to; an emotional place where your brother no longer effects you.
I know easier said than done. Give this burden to God, he will take it for you. Once you no longer carry it you will find your freedom and happiness.
You are a strong person who is able to get through this.
My prayers and thoughts are with you.
Without forgiveness there would be no bridges to cross.

It isn't necessarily forgiveness you all talk about, but a sense of peace within yourself...which takes the family recognizing the problem and sitting down and openly saying that she did nothing wrong, that he did, that there is an issue and it needs talked about openly.

It will take being in a room with him to help reach that place, but not on their terms.

Sera Blindsky is right inner peace is the goal. It does not sound like your family is going to sit down and rehash what happened so you may need to find it without them. We can not always rely on other people to bring our peace and happiness.

Okay to answer all your questions:

Thinker: It went on for five years, from the time I was 4 until I was 9, when I stood up to my brother and told him to stop or *I* would tell. He is 7 years older than me, so he was 11 to 16. I know he was young, but he WAS old enough to know what he was doing was wrong.

tomany2count: All I have ever asked of my family is to not invite us to the same functions. I know they cannot disown my brother, my dad was so kind to point out that they have forgiven me time and time again for my behavior problems as a kid,so they forgive him too. I have found peace in my heart over the whole situation. I don't know if its forgiveness, because I don't know that I will ever truely FORGIVE him, but I understand the factors that were involved in everything happening. I don't really want anything from my family except to honor my wishes not to see him. It was sneeky of them not to say anything, if I hadn't called to check, they would have let me and my bf show up with him already there. I was mad about that. I was mad that my mom and dad constantly try to make me feel guilty over the whole situation, saying that it happened a long time ago and I shouldn't live in the past. Well, I'm not living in the past or holding a grudge, but I DO NOT want to spend Christmas with a monster like my brother. Especially since my son is now 4, the age I was when the abuse started.

Years ago when I fessed up to my parents about the abuse, they refused to believe me. I had to have them call and ask my sister before they believed me. My sister was mad at me for telling her secret. I distinctly remember walking to school with my sister when my brothers daughter was 4 years old. I asked my sister if my brother ever messed with her. She said yes. I told her that I was worried about his daughter and asked her if we should tell. She said no. I kept my secret for 10 more years after that.

My family is from Portugal, my parents migrated here when they were 20. My brother was 3 months old. In the "old country" it is a very male-dominated society. My dad has always been the "alpha-male" of the house, with my brothers coming next in authority, followed by mom, my sister, and finally me. I learned at an early age to repect my elders, listen to men, and obey commands. I never could meet the expectations laid before me, so I was labeled as bad. I was no good at being good, so I went bad, and lived up to my label. I acted out all through high school. I practically begged someone to ask me what was wrong, and no one ever did. I went to a large high school where I was written off as smart, but lazy. Teachers ignored me for the most part and I just got by with C's and D's. I ran away from home and my mom found me a few blocks from the house. My brother picked me up and put me back in the car. My mom yelled the whole way home. My dad forced me to see a counselor, to find out what was "wrong" with me. I hated his counselor. I sat for three months in that mans office refusing to say a word. He gave up and put me in group therapy. My mom and dad took me once and then decided it wasn't worth it any more.
A year later, my best friend tried to kill herself. She and I went into therapy together. My mom got tired of taking me after two visits. My dad decided she was a bad influence, and demaded I comply with his wishes to stop seeing her. Every single friend I ever made at school, the second my parents met them, they hated them and would keep me from seeing them. They would get the teachers to see who I was with at lunch time, and if I was with an "off limits" friend, I would be grounded when I got home.
I met and moved in with Blair's dad when I was 20. I saw him as an escape from my parents. I moved out over a weekend that my parents were away on a little vacation. His abusive nature was exactly what I needed after years under my dads roof. My ex told me what to do, which is what I needed. Most of my life I have spent either doing what I am told, or being told what to do. I have major problems making decisions because I am so used to following directions. I stayed with the ex for three years when I finally left.
My brother got his girlfriend pregnant when he was 17 and she was 16. They ran off to vegas and had a shotgun wedding. They called my parents only a few hours before the wedding to tell what was happening and my mom threw everyone in the car and drove as fast as she could to Vegas to try and stop them. She didn't stop them, and its been 16 years since that happened. He's still married to the girl, and they have two kids. His daughter is 15 and his son is 10. He is a computer programmer and bought his first house a few years ago. In California, thats a big deal.
MY parents have always insisted that there was something wrong with me. They would ask me over and over again as a kid "What were you thinking?! Whats wrong with you?!" Two years ago, I went into therapy following my breakup with Blair's dad. I had been suffering from depression for several months and had finally ended up in the ER in a little room with a lot of cameras. They took my pens from my purse, saying they were dangerous. I was in the ER because I didn't feel safe being alone, and I had no one to be with me. They left me in the little room overnight, then sent me off to counseling. I thought I was there to deal with my issues with Blair's dad, but I kept circling back to my brother. I spent close to a year in focused counseling concerning my brother, and came out of that stronger and with a huge weight off my chest. I had confessed all my secrets to my parents and I thought that the healing could start in my family. I was wrong, my parents didn't want to talk about it. They kept asking what was wrong with me. Why was I so strange? I didn't have any answers for them, because for the first time, I realized there was NOTHING wrong with me! I wasn't strange!
I still haven't dealt with my issues with the ex. Those issues are so entangled with my brother and family. I have a lot of problems accepting the things that happened to me while we were together. The on-going abuse that I allowed to happen. I questioned why I stayed with him, why for so long, why did I let so many bad things happen before I finally left?? I have a lot of anger at my ex for his behavior, and a lot of anger towards myself for allowing it to happen. I see myself snapping at Blair for no reason other than he is looking or acting like his dad.
Its so frustrating to be the one who needs counseling while the abusers are living their lives unpunished. It's an unfair world where the people who are being hurt have to spend their whole life trying to heal, when the people doing the hurt can justify to themselves and move on. I don't know why I just went on this ramble execpt to point out that even though it happend a long time ago, it affects me today still. My relationships are seriously hindered because I am scared to trust anyone. I am scared of everything and nothing. I cry at least once a week. I am an emotional wreck. But still, I am strong, deterimined, and healthy. And I plan on staying that way.

Oh but they will be punished. I felt the same way about my childs father. why was he able to party all night and I was stuck with my son. Now he's in prison. He'll never get to experience my son and he will live with his self hate till eternity and then he will answer to God himself and even I feel sorry for him about that. No matter what! what goes around comes around. Maybe not now but eventually. The more determined you feel the harder it will be to knock you down.