I know this is a tough time of year for all of us, so I'm hoping for some reassuring words I guess. This month is chock full of company parties-a children's party, my dept party, the big company wide party, co workers parties, etc. A few nights ago, during one of my bitchiest moments, I broke up with my boyfriend for no real good reason other than 2 bitter man hating co workers talked me into thinking he was no good. Which obviously proves I have more issues than I thought I did

Anyway, now I'm looking at attending party after party alone watching happy couples together and having to listen to, "Where's your boyfriend?" It's enough to make me want to crawl in bed with my son and a good movie and lay there until January!

Any advice on good ways to handle questions from well meaning coworkers so I don't end up bursting into tears on a regular basis? Is it lame to avoid the parties altogether?

Just let them know he couldn't come, which he can't because you are not together. You don't need to tell them anything. I personally believe that relationship issues should be kept out of co-workers ears.

As for the crying part, only you can stop that and it takes a change of thinking. Not easy to do unless you are ready to. If you feel emotional and that you can't control your emotions by all means... don't go. If you feel you can't have fun (which is the purpose of the things to begin with) .... don't go. If you think you can control yourself, avoid questions where necesary, and have a little fun... GO! Don't let man problems stop you.

Thanks schoolmommy. I think the hard part is that we work for the same company. It's a big company, and we in no means even work in the same area, but everyone knows him and adores him. He has taken on an important position here and my supervisors work with him regularly and everyone knows we're dating. I started working here long after we started dating, but I just imagine it will be an issue.

Anyway, thanks for the advice.

I hear you tinkerbell. I dont have any advice to offer, but I want to let you know I feel as if I'm in the same boat. My company has this thing where we bring in the presents in the morning. Then at 3:30 today, someone dressed up as Santa to hand out the presents, and all the employees kids are there to recieve them. I am sitting there alone with my daughter, (after her dad had dropped her off.- He used to attend)I am looking around at all the couples with their kids. I felt like a freak. My girl didnt know the difference, or she didnt say so, but I was like "This is not the life that I had imagined." I looked at these couples with their kids, and how they had cam corders. (I have a hand me down, but it doesnt work anymore.) Some were pregnant. All were happy together to see the joy in their kids faces. I know it was really for the kids, but it just made my heart hurt for myself that I have no one to share it with. I know. I just have the poor me's.

I just left my company party. My date was late, and had to leave early. I saw the married couples and wanted to cry. I just left when my time was in and now I'm here. I guess...grin and bear it might work. It did for me.

quote:

Originally posted by Blindsky75:
[qb] I guess...grin and bear it might work. It did for me. [/qb]

Yeah. What else can you do? I was thinking that maybe it wont always be like this, and if it isnt for me in the future, and I see a lone person sitting there....Well, I dont know what I would do. Guess maybe be all the more happier if I wasnt there alone again. Hee hee.

Just keep in mind that only a minority of the married couples are actually happy together. They might have argued until they got out of the car, and now, in front of everyone, they play happy family.
Just let's keep that in mind, it might make it easier for those, like me, who just do not have a 'better half' (not sure if you use this term in english)- partner in life.
It's just as hard on the kids when the parents are together and forever arguing (versus being separated and forever arguing LOL)
HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERY ONE

Red, I would have to disagree. I don;t hink that a mojority of married couples just "play happy." I think it is counter productive to think that way because well, if that is what most marriages are like, why would I even consider getting married? Yes, couples argue but to pretend to know that they are not happy when most likely they are is... lying to yourself to make yourself feel better and I don't think that is a good way to deal with loneliness and/or sadness.

It is okay to be sad that you aren't a part of a couple. It is okay to be a little envious of the couples at your parties. Know what you want and live well until you get it. I thiknk the best way to deal with being single during the holidays is not to make up fictitious horror stories about the people around you but to realize that we feel we need someone because our popular culture has spoon fed us the idea that we do. We don't NEED to be married. We WANT to be married. I have lived without a lot of things I have wanted; that does not mean that I am unhappy because I don't have them and it does not mean I will not ever get them and I don;t hate on people that have them either.

Schoolmommy,

I hope and I want to believe you are right (about the percentage of 'really happy' married couples).

Maybe the reason I wrote this was that I just left (a few minutes before I wrote the post) the house of a family, where the separation is imminent. It's really tearing me apart, I like her and I like him, and to me they belong together, but well, they don't seem to want to make it work any more....anyways.

I believe, that the whole thing in a marriage is to 'want to make it work', in the sense that it is a constant effort, in the sense that crises can happen at any given time, maybe not for 10 years, but I have heard of couples separating after 50 years of marriage (!).

So, it is certainly true that even IF they have argued all the way to the party, and IF they're 'playing happy family' at that specific party, they might have a reconciliation on the drive home and be a really happy family for the next 10 years...

Still, to me that is a lot of work, and the question is,
is it really worth it ?
A question each of us answers at some time in life...except me I guess ( I have never been married or even asked for marriage ).

Anyways, what I wanted to say, is that married or not, happy family or not, it is our life, and we should try to be satisfied with it...which doesn't mean we cannot dream of something else.

What I wanted to say was also, if we're sad at a party because we see happy couples, we can keep in mind that they too have moments where they would like to be single again (my friend who has 4 kids said that when she had a crisis in her couple, a few years back...now she doesn't any more).

I do agree with you...>Know what you want and live well until you get it. <

HAPPY HOLIDAYS

It is hard to see past a situation you are in. It is hard to see people you love spliting up when it could have been avoided. That is unfortunate. And unfortunately there are many people with the "drive-thru" mentality. I want it my way and I want it now and if I can't get it that way I jsut drive on to the next place of business two feet away. Again, a product of our society. That is also why I cringe when I see the postings on here where people who have only known each other a few months are wanting to move in together. Relationships take time to build, buliding anything takes work and if you try to build the penthouse before building the ground floor you end up with disaster. Sometimes you end up with disaster when you do it right (like with your friends) but I still think that is not usually the case. I think it is mainly people rushing into something they were not preparing for (or building up to continuing the metaphor).

I completely agree with your statement...

quote:

Anyways, what I wanted to say, is that married or not, happy family or not, it is our life, and we should try to be satisfied with it...which doesn't mean we cannot dream of something else.

We also have to keep hope for what we dream for at the same time as being content where we are. One man said the only way to win a race is to first envisualize all things working for you to win. The power of positive thinking so to speak. Par tof being positive is to know it IS going to happen and content with it not happening right now.

I believe that might have been Lou Tice. And what a way to live life....they say if you can picture the way you want things in present tense, feel the feelings associated with it, and continue to keep picturing it...your subconscious will be driven to make it happen. Amazing theory.

As for "happy couples": there is no relationship out there that is always in an Up time. There will be times in every relationship, be it our mother or even our child, that we feel as if there is no hope. The thing we have to remember is that there is something that brings us back to each of those to fight for what we had prior to feeling hopeless. When you think about entering a marriage, think first if you are driven the same way to make things work for a lifetime. So many people marry on excitment and thrill - yet these are the marriages that don't last. I don't really know how to explain what I am about to say without it sounding really gross....but when I marry I hope that I feel as if I am about to marry a member of my immediate family, simply making it official. I want to feel as if there is nothing out there to break the bonds of my marriage. I don't feel that the bond between my mother and I, father and I, brother..etc can ever be broken. Society helps with engraining that blood is thicker, but not that marriage is permanent. Why can't we feel that there is nothing that will break the bond of marriage?

Tinkerbell: May I ask why you even feel that you are required to attend the party? Company parties have never been mandantory at the places I've worked. If it is going to stress you out..don't go! It is your choice as to whether you submit yourself to the situation.

>May I ask why you even feel that you are required to attend the party? Company parties have never been mandantory at the places I've worked. If it is going to stress you out..don't go! It is your choice as to whether you submit yourself to the situation.


to be honest, THAT was MY solution to this 'problem', I didn't go....but somehow...I would have liked to go too...
hm

It sounds like you have a couple issues.

The first issue is that you both work at the same place, and you are going to be asked about him by everyone...whether it's at a holiday party or someplace else. Simply saying, "we broke up" should be enough. If they keep asking about it, "mind your own business" should be a good enough follow up...although a polite "it just didn't work out" would probably work too...

The second is the going to holiday parties alone. LOL...I remember the first party that I went to 3 months after my wife left. I started off doing OK, but after a couple drinks and more than a few questions I became the most hilarious example of a sad, divorced drunk that you could imagine...made the whole table uncomfortable...I could have been an SNL skit. A lot of the people at these parties are going to be more uncomfortable with the situation than you are. Some of them are going to look at it as an opportunity to enjoy the misfortune of others...but hey, you can't get a much bigger personality flaw than that so it's actually nice of them to give you throw you a chance to show superiority I stopped going to these parties, actually, because if I only get a few nights out a year I don't want to waste one on an event where I know that I'm not going to meet anyone new. Therefore, I don't think it's lame to not go to them...it's not the same thing as avoiding them really. Why choose to go someplace you're not going to have fun?

quote:

Originally posted by --red--:
[qb] They might have argued until they got out of the car, and now, in front of everyone, they play happy family.
[/qb]

You know, just before I got back on here, (I went to visit my parents, who argue all the time) I thought that same thing. Were all those people really happy. Oh, when I brought my daughter to her dance class over the weekend, and listened to the woman complain about how their husbands do nothing, and one who was pregnant with her second child, said "this is it after this one." Thought about how hard it is even with one child. They dont stay cute babies for ever, and even when they are little, they are still hard work. One of the woman at my party is a doctor, (on her third child in just about as many years)She probably has help of a nanny. I dont know if I'd want that. A little help is good, but not someone else bringing up your child.
I have never been married either, but have been with and lived with someone long enough (not the father of my child)that it seemed like a marriage. We fought, but we loved also. We never went to bed without saying sorry. There was no question of us not staying together for the rest of our lives. That is until he cheated on me with my cousin!!! I forgot about how hard it was to work on our relationship, and how I would wish I could be single. Be careful what you wish for, huh?
I also have heard my married friends say that if the marriage that they were in dissolved, they wouldnt get married again. The grass is always greener isnt it?

Well, I went to my parties alone...had a children's party during the day Saturday and my dept party that night. I am glad I went. The children's party was extremely difficult-like someone else mentioned...hard watching the happy couples with camcorders and cameras...little girls with mommies and daddies, all dressed up for Christmas. It was hard. But my son had a blast and that made it worth it.

The dept party was great. I miss my boyfriend immensely and still hope things will work out, but I had to empower myself and talk myself into going. I did not want my break up to interfere with my social life. I hardly get a chance to go out without my child so I was going to grab it. And although I wished the circumstances were different, I actually had a great time. Talked with coworkers, had a few drinks, had a lot of laughs and I am SO glad I went. People did ask where my boyfriend was, and I kept it short. "We're not together right now" and everyone was pretty respectful.

I guess my advice to all of you who seem to be in a similar situation. I know its difficult. Try not to let it ruin your fun. It's not easy to be the only single person at a party full of seemingly happy couples...but chances are most people have endured something similar. I decided I was not going to hang my head in shame because I was single, but show my strength by going to a party alone. And no one looked at me weird, or made me feel strange.

I am so grateful for all your words of support. It is so reassuring to hear that others feel the way I do. Doesn't necessarily make it better...but for me, makes it easier to endure. I'm not the only one. That IS a reassuring thought.