my sons father says he loves us but cant be a father. he has no money and lives off his parents to do school and go out hes a jr. in college. see we, his son and i, are going to hold him back from achieving what he wants he wants to go to grad school so he can make money down the line. we try or (i know i see it this way) and keep a neutral relationship just bcs this parenthood is fresh and all and i want an open door to talk calmly. he has see his son about 7 times or so and its only when hes in town to see his parents.once he said he would drive to come see us meaning not bcs he was going to see his family (its an hour drive) but that was only once. his parents dont want him or themselves to do anything with me or the child. so they dont make it any easier. i told him he needs to be either in our sons life or not. he says hes sorry but he cant. he wishes he could.i dont want to take that relationship away bcs i dont know what the future holds. well i dont now if i should take him to court or not. he has no job and i guess the court will tell him to get a job but i dont want this either. i want to stay neutral bcs on either choice if our son chooses to see him in life or ask q's its not an even more messy mess. that i can contact him or he can himself. so really its should i do it or not. i know to think of the best interest of my son. i have a lot of family support. we dont have the world of money but im goal oreinted and am going to finish with more education. im already a cerified massage therapist. im going to get a job when i take the national cert. test. im so discombobulated right now and i ve read a ton of other responses to other parents in this forum but would like a little help on cons and pros of what is best. thanks. sorry it sounds so confussing im getting lost!!

I know exactly how confused you are feeling. My wife recentely moved out. She works part time during the day and goes to school at night to be a massage therapist and hopes to graduate in july. She got an apartment not too far away and makes little working. All I asked from her was to pay her own way (car insurance, cell phone, doc bills) and half of what it costs to send our kids to school. I didnt want palimony, I keep them 6 nights a week, or any child support just just because I know she can barely live off of what she makes, although she goes out all night at least 4 days a week. I cant help you with what to do but know that there are many others with the same situation. Many of my friends tell me to take her to court and shell have to pay but like you I want to keep a good relationship with her and her with my kids. I think that I am also somewhat still in love with her and am nicer because of that, ask yourself that. Good luck and if you come across any good ideas send them my way, I'm in a hard place too.K

I agree ,If you can make it comfortably on what you make,trying to get a financially strapped partner to pay can be more hassle than its worth.If he is not working and living off his parent,would you want this type of person involved with raising your children if he could pay.Im am a single father of 4,thier mom is on hard times now so I asked for no child support.I could use help,but I manage.Once my case was final Iam doing my best to stay away from the court system.It comes down to if you need it ask for it.

I'm in a very similiar situation and it took me four long hard years to come to any kind of decision. No matter what i did my son's father would only see him when he felt like it or felt guilty about it, never because he wanted to. I brought him to Court but not for the money i brought him to show him that he does in fact have a son and not someone that he could see whenever he wanted.This didn't work, even when my son became sick and spent four days in hospital he came down for one hour thought he was doing a great thing and didn't get in contact with us after this to see how my son was. It got worse but it would take a book to tell you what kind of "father" he was. Don't get me wrong in the beginning it was all wonderful until four months after having my son. I've tried everything and i made the decision to cut him off entirely, I'm only telling you what happened to me and i'm not suggesting you do it and it wasn't a decision i took lightly but i had to think of my son. Firstly do a let his father see him whenever he feels like and let my son get confused even more or do i just tell him to get out of our lives. I had to tell him not to contact us anymore, the worse thing was he didn't even fight me on it, he just said was i sure and if so that was ok. I know i'll have to explain everything to my son when he gets older, i do tell him he has a daddy he just doesn't live with us. I have great family support and the way i see it is my son has so many people to love him and i'm already doing all the things a mother and father should do and like you i'm broke but still continuing my education and some day i'll get there.
I hope everything works out for you but its a waste of energy trying to get someone to do something they don't want and he will realise some day what a stupid mistake he made and you know your the lucky one, you get to spend everyday with your son.

I think that he needs to be taken to court and made to pay for his child. He needs to realise that he helped bring a life into this world and he needs to help support it. No matter what. Even if he needs to start going to school part time to work full time. THe money is for the child and your child deserves that. It needs to be drilled into his head that his life is no longer about him, he needs to put his child first.

Hello,
YOu know this is something I can tottaly relate with.. My ex-fiance was a violent man physically and mentally abusive.
I have done everything in my power to keep him far away from me and my girls.
The lawyer and I are now in the middle of servering his parental rights.He says then we can go after child support from him..But I am almost positive I am not going to go for it..
I just want him to think we dropped off the planet or something. I don't want to be reminded of him everymonth just as I don't want him to think of us every month. (probally sound nuts...)
But when I realised the relationship was over and I had to get out. There was no looking back for me.. I was willing to do anything to make sure me and the girls were happy and that was with out any help from him.
Im sure if I really needed it I would do what was best for the girls.. But I don't right now..
I know your situation is that you don't want to make him discruntal. But I truly beleive that even though the father should own up to his responsiblites, there is sometimes reasons that out weigh that...
Plus you can always go for it later. When your sure it is the thing to do...
He can be made to pay child support up until they are of age.. And even after if he falls behing payments..
Think it through...
ONly you can truly make the decision..
Good luck and hope to talk/with/you/soon.

-----------------------------------------
Love should enhance your life...
NOt control...
Or...
Define it...
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Honey,
I know that it is tough, I WAS there!

He does not sound like the person that you want your children to call "DAD". My children have not seen their "father" since birth....and that is because I have a restraining order against him. He tried to kill them and me!

He is supposed to pay support, but does not...he wont even claim income taxes because he knows that it will come to me and he does not want to help me. He is a bum and lives off of his mother, he does not work either. He does get SSI and the state garnishes that and gives some of it to me, even though it is not what he is supposed to be giving me a month, it still helps "a little" :-9

Go for the support, even if it does nothing but prove to the loser that he has "responsibilities" and the judge will tell him that education is second to earning money to support his child.

I was also very confused when I had to decide what to do about my son's father two years ago. He also wanted to go to school and make that something important in his life so down the road he can have a good job and provide for our son. I never took him to court, although there were times I was angry enough to do so. His family thinks I am a horrible person (his mother claims I got pregnant on purpose). I also wanted for us to have a neutral and good relationship in the long run and it has basically worked out to be that way. While we've had some really hard times, by me not taking him to court and vise versa we have maintained an open door to talk about how to work things out without involving the court system. It has worked for me. I hope it works for you!

Melissa

quote:

Originally posted by F8THnHOPE:
[qb]I was also very confused when I had to decide what to do about my son's father two years ago. He also wanted to go to school and make that something important in his life so down the road he can have a good job and provide for our son. I never took him to court, although there were times I was angry enough to do so. His family thinks I am a horrible person (his mother claims I got pregnant on purpose). I also wanted for us to have a neutral and good relationship in the long run and it has basically worked out to be that way. While we've had some really hard times, by me not taking him to court and vise versa we have maintained an open door to talk about how to work things out without involving the court system. It has worked for me. I hope it works for you!

Melissa[/qb]

hey!
my ex's mom at one point thought that i ment to too! why would i ever do that...hahaha. its nice to see that you and i have the same outlook on this. its nice to maintain some neutral standing towards eachother. but the only thing is that my ex wants to further himself for himself not to provide for our son. that sounds bad once its written and i can reread it. so how did you stay out of the court system. see he didnt come to the hospital and sign the birth certificate. i want that to be done. i dont want to do this court thing either does he. but then again i want it to have some kind of completion too. he is going to sign over all his rights. meaning he doesnt pay a dime. can i just go to court and do that easily if we agree? or should i try and leave it open and not do anything? i hope you can help me out F8THNHOPE you seem to be some what close to on the same page as i am! any advice!