quote:

Originally posted by ikcaj:
[qb] Hi all,

I've browsed most of the comments in this section and see that I am not alone in my ethical struggles.

My question/area of need; am I right in pursuing a child support claim? If so, can I have some encouragement in my quest to do so?

I've been the single parent of my daughter since her conception; she will be 3 years old in July.

Her father and I were only casually dating at the time of her conception. He wanted me to have an abortion, I chose to keep her. For the first year of her life I stayed true to my word to him that I would not seek support because I felt that since it was my choice to have her, I should bear the brunt of full responsibility, but I warned him things might change.

When she was one year old she needed tubes placed in her ears. I contacted him as to putting her on his insurance and he refused to do so. I told him the alternative (explained later) and he told me to do whatever I had to, but he would not claim her legally.

Two years ago I filed for Medicaid and K-Tap, Kentucky's version of welfare. This coincided with my entering graduate school as a full-time student. Under law, I had to provide his name and information for KY to seek child support from him.

It's been two years and no one has ever contacted myself or him in the matter.

I will graduate in May and am thus far job-less. Our K-Tap benefits will run out in July. I plan to be employed by then and we have a great appartment (public housing) that we can keep as long as we want, but I've started thinking about pursuing my case for child support.

We've lived off the state and student loans for two years. Trust me, it is not easy being a full-time grad student (MSW nonetheless) and single mom, but I know I have had it so much better than others. I don't flip burgers for minimum wage or worry about medical costs or if we will have enough food.

I have an appointment with a worker March 17th, just to discuss the matter I suppose. I really don't know much at all about how it all works. I do know I signed my rights over when I accepted K-Tap, and I know that the father has threatened me in the past that if I pursue support he will pursue custody.

As for that, he has not seen his daughter since she was three days old. He never signed the birth certificate and as far as I know his paternity has not even been declared.

He has threatened me into not advocating for child support by stating he will go for custody if I do.

I'm a 33 year old professional, soon to have an MSW degree, and I live in another state than him. He is an assistant teacher with no degree at high school. Does he have a chance in a custody battle? Am I better off to just let this lie and see if the state ever gets around to getting their own money back?


Thanks for reading such a long post. I know my story is not unique, but right now I really need to know if this something I should do? [/qb]

quote:

Originally posted by Berry2870:
[qb] Hi Jacki,

Best of luck to you!

Thank you for posting your question. I am struggling with a similar debate myself and it was comforting to read your posting and know that I am not alone in the struggle with this decision...

I was 32 when I became pregnant. I had only been dating her "father" for maybe about 6 months. The relationship was already starting to get rocky. But at first he seemed very accepting of the pregnancy. The relationship failed but he said he wanted to remain involved in the pregnancy. He had even attended the first several doctor's appointments with me.

Then out of the blue one day, we were leaving the doctor's office and he stops me and says that he questions whether the baby is his. Since he was fully aware that I had not been in ANY relationship for two years, this really upset me. I screamed at him in the parking lot and told him that if that is the way he felt he could just stay out of our lives. Of course, this is what he wanted... he was unemployed, with no ambition to be employed, and the thought of the financial requirements to support a child was driving him insane.

I never heard from him again. My doctor told me that shortly after her due date that he called the office asking if I had had the baby yet and asking if he had been named on the birth certificate. The doctor's office (who I informed of the situation) would not give him any info.

Because I did not feel that my daughter would be safe with him (heavy drinking, sleeping pills at night making him so drowsy that he would not be able to wake up to respond to a baby's needs, other personality disorders and family issues) I decided not to pursue child support. Another consideration is that he is also the type of person that would feel "if you are going to make me pay money, then I am going to make your life as difficult as I can" and I just couldn't bear the thought of fighting him all the time.

So the trade off was no CS for the protection of my daughter. I even went to see a lawyer to ask how I should protect her from him. She advised me to just wait it out...since paternity was not established he had no rights and unless he started demanding rights to her then I should just let him slither back under the rock he crawled out from.

I live with my parents because I cannot afford anything else. I receive no CS and no state assistance because I make "too much money" to qualify (I received state medical assistance for my daughter for one year, until my annual raise of a whopping 70 cents/hour put me over the threshold by $100). I love how their guidelines refer to before tax income...and do not factor in the bills you need to pay to survive. I am now starting to drown in debt. I am racking up my credit cards for things like groceries, gas, clothes...

So that is where my dilema...like yours...comes in. My daughter is now 3 years old. I am in debt up to my eyeballs and although I am completely against it, I have been seriously considering having the state go after him for CS. From my previous discussion with the lawyer, I know that he would have a hard time getting custody, but he would get to have visitation and I am not sure if I am comfortable with that yet.

I have always intended for my daughter to eventually locate her father. I have his SS# and other personal info kept safe for her so that when she is ready I can help her to find him. But I would prefer for her to be a little older so that she can verbally state if anything happens that bothers her.

I live in RI and I too welcome replies from anyone willing to share how they feel about this... do we pursue CS to improve a financial situation, or is it best to let it go for the emotional, possibly physical well being of our children and suffer the financial hardship...

Deb [/qb]