Sometimes I feel like I am a childless parent...

Because I have no family support in the area, my ex-husband is unreliable with child support thanks to his intermittent work schedule (but a wonderful father otherwise), and I earn just enough to disqualify me from state child care assistance, my daughters live 6 hours away with their dad & his family. They're Navajo, and have lots of extended family to help take care of the kids.

I agreed to this arrangement, because I want my daughters to know their heritage & culture (I'm Scandinavian, but not well connected to my own heritage). However, my 5 year old just wants her mom & begs me to pick her up and let her live with me and go to school here). I've considered every possible option, and they're all going to be challenging.

I have great job security, benefits etc., but I feel that it's keeping me from doing the most important job in the world - being a mother to my children. I've realized that I may actually need to quit this wonderful job, take a part-time job at a much lower wage, and hope the State will help me out in order to have my children with me. I plan to consult a family law attorney (divorce paperwork indicated that we'd share joint custody, with the kids spending most of their time with me, because that's how it was when I filed) to make sure a child support order is in place. I figure I can rely on my mother for a little bit of help with living expenses; I can do eBay consignment, and I'm considering hosting "slumber parties" to help make ends meet.

I'm wondering if anyone else has had to do anything like this & how it turned out? I'm one of those people who is terrified of stepping outside their "comfort zone," so of course this is causing me a great deal of anxiety.

I appreciate your input - suggestions, stories, criticism, etc.

I can only tell you from my own experience of getting custody of my kids from my first marriage and making sure that custody/visitaion of my daughter from the second marriage is 50/50. I had to step way out of my comfort zone and be a single dad whose kids live with him more than 50 percnt of the time. Dr appt, school and daycare meetings, clothes shopping, house cleaning, etc. all by myself with no partner. Getting a new job, that pays a lot less so I can be there for my kids. Selling the nice new SUV to get a used mini van so there was room for all of us with car seats and a stroller.

But it is all worth it when I look at how happy my kids are and in my heart I know that I am the best parent for them. Not that the other parents are bad, just that for my kids in this situation I am the best parent for the job.

I hope that this helps you in your choices, I know that they are not easy. being a parent is never easy, but the rewards are worth it.

Any sacrifices to have your kids with you is worth it. Especially if your kids want and express to be with you. It is tough but once you make the leap, your fear will lessen. I think if you keep your job just because you don't want to give up your own comfort...than you aren't thinking about how your kids feel and what they need...which is you. I think that would be the more selfish way to go. JMO

Keep us posted and good luck.

It sounds like you may be putting yourself in some financial danger by making this move. Not to say that it is a bad move or anything and it is definately understandable. Personally I would make sure I had no debt or payments to make before I took on something less. If you have any credit cards or car payments I would pay them off then make the move so you do not get yourself into a money bind. Make sure you can live somewhat comfortable while making the less money. I know money is not as important as your kids, but it is a large stress factor. You will be a better Mom if you don't have to worry about money as much.

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But it is all worth it when I look at how happy my kids are and in my heart I know that I am the best parent for them. Not that the other parents are bad, just that for my kids in this situation I am the best parent for the job.

Thank you so much, DLK! That really does help fortify my decision Kudos to you, too!

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Any sacrifices to have your kids with you is worth it. Especially if your kids want and express to be with you. It is tough but once you make the leap, your fear will lessen. I think if you keep your job just because you don't want to give up your own comfort...than you aren't thinking about how your kids feel and what they need...which is you. I think that would be the more selfish way to go. JMO

You are absolutely right! I never realized how selfish it was up until recently, when my BF (we've been together one month, so this is all new to him) started interrogating me about it. I've been so stubbornly independent all of my adult life, that my family & long-time friends simply do not bother giving me their advice/criticism. Usually, they come to me with their problems because I'm "the rock." *sigh* Needless to say, my BF has scored some major points with me for pointing out the obvious

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It sounds like you may be putting yourself in some financial danger by making this move. Not to say that it is a bad move or anything and it is definately understandable. Personally I would make sure I had no debt or payments to make before I took on something less. If you have any credit cards or car payments I would pay them off then make the move so you do not get yourself into a money bind. Make sure you can live somewhat comfortable while making the less money. I know money is not as important as your kids, but it is a large stress factor. You will be a better Mom if you don't have to worry about money as much.

TM2C, this is exactly what was holding me back for so long. This is one situation where I am proud to say that my credit is ALREADY messed up! I'm actually consulting a bankruptcy attorney next week As for rent, car payments, etc., I'm going to make sure they're covered first. And I swore off credit cards YEARS ago, so I don't have to worry about that.

Fortunately, my rent isn't TOO bad, and the car is actually my brother's - I'm just making the payments to him. If I could only get the girls' dad to pay his share, I'd have no problem making ends meet. So, I'm going to appeal to him, threaten him, whatever it takes. I'm going to talk my mom and see if she'd be willing to cover me for the times when he DOESN'T pay. My BF seems extremely supportive and has expressed a desire to be involved and help me out, so we're going to have to have a series of "talks" to see what his role will be.

This definitely is not something I intend to do tomorrow, LOL. It'll be several months before this actually happens. But when it does, I'll be a completely different person! I've been so cranky without my kids, because I know they should be with me. I miss them, and I feel guilty, and that makes me grumpy.

.........rushing back to work......

Well it sounds like you have put a lot of thought into this. If you can get all your payments paid off first and put some money in the bank you would probably feel a little bit more secure rather than trying to rely on others for money.

You are smart and getting your ducks in a row. You will do just fine. Best of luck to you.

For my birthday one year, my older sister made a wall hanging for me, this is what it said..

"One hundred years from now, it will NOT matter what kind of car I drove, how BIG my house was, or how much MONEY I had in my bank account. The only thing that will matter is that I was important in the life of MY child."

Food for thought. If you have to sacrifice a little, shop at Goodwill, go without cable, patch your bluejeans, that's OK.

Just don't become dependant on the government's programs. Remember, they can end at anytime.

Hey lefty,
I have that saying as well...it has a little girl standing in a meadow with a little hat and sundress on. I love it. It does remind me of what my hard work and sacrifices hold for her in the long run.

Karen

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and I'm considering hosting "slumber parties" to help make ends meet.

Pardon my ignorance...but what does that mean? I'm looking for a "stay-at-home" method of making extra income and that caught my attention.

Thanks!