On Jan. 9th, my divorce was granted and I recieved sole custody of my 11 yo daughter. The exchange of custody is Jan. 17th. This will require her to move out of state (about 5 hours away from her old home). She has told me numerous times that she doesn't want to live with me. I know she is really close with her Grandma and she has siblings to miss. She's not too close with her Mom. I've told my daughter that she can call her mom, siblings, and grandmother anytime she wants. I'm not going to deny visitation/communication like the ex did to me. Mom gets visitation for all big school breaks for a week and 8 weeks in the summer. I've stressed all the positives of moving to a new city - cool places to go, new people to meet, she will be going from a apartment to a home, having her own bedroom. Yet, she still keeps sending me e-mails that she doesn't want to move here. I knew this was going to be a bumpy road when I started driving on it. I guess my question is, how can I help her adjust without hating me? I feel so bad when she sends those e-mails but I know and the court knew that this was the best decision for her.

thanks in advance

It sounds like a tough situation. But you're right in stating that the court wouldn't have ordered this unless it was in the best long-term interests of your daughter. Like a lot of parents here you sound like your trying to do what's best for her.

You didnt give a lot of background on how long you've been apart, and I think that degree of unfamiliarity, along with not being near her grandma, siblings, and friends, will be a factor. She's at a tough age...ll yrs. I think u need to remain confident this is what is best for her. Try not to let the emotions of her resistance affect you too much, tho that's easy to say.

As far as concrete suggestions, do u have any friends with girls her age that might help her get acquainted with her new environment? The critical factor is going to be how much time you'll be able to spend with her. Ultimately you'll need to just let things play out over time, and hope you can establish that critical bond needed between parent and child.

Good luck.

Hi, sorry to hear you're having a hard time, but kids generally feel intimidated by big changes, I think that you can't do much until your daughter arrives and gets used to the place. She's probably not saying no to living with you, she might just say that as a way to cover her fears about leaving a place that's familiar to her, you might want to ask her if she's afraid of something in particular and take it from there. It takes a while before kids actually accept their new homes as permanent, and they can give you attitude while that happens, so hang in there.

Wow! Thanks for the replies already. That was quick. A little background as I am brand new to the forum and my initial post was pretty vague. I am 33 and live in Rochester, NY. In 1993, I met what I thought was a nice bring home to mother kind of girl. We married in Sept 94. Had our daughter soon after. All was good. We had 2 more little girls. I was the proudest Dad ever. In early ’00, I was working a midnight shift, came home from work and there she was, on the couch asleep in some other guys arms. I quietly gathered my stuff and went on my way. Moved from Ohio to New York and began divorce proceedings. Found out during the whole divorce process that the other 2 girls aren’t mine. I was shocked to say the least. We went all the way to the final hearing. She was set to get custody and support. I agreed to everything. The judge asks me the routine questions, then asks her the same ones. Then the judge threw in “are you pregnant?” which for the first time since I met her, she decided to tell the truth and say “yes” even though there was no way it was mine. A couple taps of a gavel later, and it was “case dismissed pending further DNA testing” UGH! No support orders, no visitation orders. We were basically happily married in the eyes of the court. For the next 5 years, I had the worst battle with my wife for any kind of visitation or even communication. I was trying to get her for a couple of weeks at least in the summers. A couple I did. Christmas? HA! Easter? HAHA! Millions of unreturned phone calls. Unanswered snail-mails. Unanswered e-mails. Not even a school picture. I was heartbroken. She begins child support after a year of being separated. I grumble, but provide payroll information. Still no visitation and limited communication. I am not a deadbeat dad. I have always had a job. I never beat the ex or the kids. Was never a big drinker. Never cheated on her. Since I left Ohio, I met a WONDERFUL woman and finally found “true love”. We now have been together for 7 years and have a beautiful 5 year old boy together. We own a house right by Lake Ontario. My fiancé has 2 excellent jobs and goes to college part-time (almost done ) I have a good job as a carpenter. I even have benefits which is rare in my trade. My ex on the other hand, works part-time at one menial minimum wage job after another. She has been on welfare since I left and lives in some nasty apartment. She was on the Jerry Springer show for Gods sake. She has a myspace page showing herself in less then appropriate clothing and poses. She changed husbands-to-be like I change my underwear. One ex-husband-to-be broke in in the middle of the night to apologize. BROKE IN! She was sending packages containing over $100 of stuff to some husband-to-be soldier in Iraq. Getting tattooed. Partying. Out playing golf and drinking beer. Blowing money left and right by the sounds of it. Started screenshoting every picture, comment, whatever on her myspace. I had about 40 good screenshots to bring to court with me. Keep in mind, my daughter contacted me numerous times, so there was a good chance she saw her mom’s page. This September, I finally said ENOUGH! Coughed up another $1500 for the lawyer. Started another divorce. This time, I wanted custody. I was fed up. She was served the papers in mid-September. Our first hearing for temporary orders was in late-October. She failed to answer the orders, appear in court, or anything to acknowledge. I was granted long distance visitation. 1 week at Christmas, 1 week at Easter, and 8 weeks in the summer YAY! Court orders finally. At Christmas I went and picked her up (took a police officer and my court papers to do it) and had the best time of our lives. At the end of our visitation, I could see she was sad about leaving. While I was picking up my daughter and dropping her off, I noticed the house was a total disgrace. Junk everywhere, no trashbag in the trashcan, smelled nasty, slime built up on the edge of the trashcan and one of the kids diggig in the trash to pull out something to show me. When my daughter was here, the minute she got into the car, I noticed she stank. First thing I did when we got home was washed everything she brought with her. Nasty worn out dirty shoes. Dirty jacket,. Greasy hair. The whole nine yards. Keep in mind the mom was getting tatood and sending care packages, etc, etc. At dinner one night, my daughter confided in me that her great-grandfather molested her 2 years ago SHE WAS 9 THEN! I about knocked the table over. Great-Grandpa has a reputation for playing with young girls in the family. My daughter was his 3rd victim. The ex claims a police report was filed and she counseled. PFFFFT! He’s still free is all I have to say about that. On January 8th I went to Ohio to meet my lawyer. I found out she still didn’t acknowledge the divorce in any way even though she was served multiple times. It was like she was just giving up. I was permitted to take my daughter out to dinner that night. We had another good time. Took her back, and her mom kinda non-chalantly asks when court is tomorrow. I tell her 2 PM. January 9th 2 PM: We’re in a courtroom. My parents, my lawyer, judge, myself, and the ex. My lawyer refers to a past case where one party didn’t file any kind of answer and the plaintiff was granted whatever they asked for. Kinda like the story of the ant and the grasshopper. The moral, you snooze, you lose. The judge agreed and we begin. I take the stand. The lawyer hands me the STACK of myspace images and a copy to the judge showing inappropriate pictures and numerous husbands-to-be. The judge granted me sole custody with the exchange to take place within 7 days. I am due to receive $100 month in child support from her. She also granted me my divorce. The ex is set to pay half my lawyer fees, half the court costs, and half our occurred marital debt. I was ordered to take a divorce and children class before I took custody. I scrambled to find a class near me. I called all the surrounding counties. Finally gave up and took the one in Ohio with custody being exchanged the following day. Today, my phone goes off, it’s my lawyer. The ex filed an objection. Everything is to remain how it is till March 9th. Meaning the ex still gets custody. The case that our case is based upon went all the way to the appeals court and they said basically, you snooze you lose. All it appears to be is a stall tatic.
Phew….thats my story and im sticking to it. ANY and ALL help will be appreciated

Wow. That's quite a story. Im sorry to hear u and the kids have been thru so much grief. I would think your daughter would be anxious to relocate from those grim circumstances.

Family law courts allow great discretion to both sides in custody matters. Tho your ex has been flaky before doesn't mean that she cant get one last hearing. But unless she has some compelling new evidence to submit I doubt the court will reverse the custody ruling.

I admire you trying to do the best thing for your daughter. Hang in there.

Do you think it is your daughter sending those emails or her mom? Have you talked to your daughter about moving or has all communication been through email?

It is a hard thing to do, getting custody in their best interest when they're afraid to leave what they're used to. But when it's for their best, they will hopefully come to realize that the change was necessary and come to enjoy the new home. I got custody of my daughter 6 years ago, though luckily I didn't have a big custody battle. In fact I got a call from the local PD that I needed to come pick up my daughter, her mother was being arrested. My daughter had a very difficult time with it, tons of crying etc. mostly because she was being separated from her half sister who went out of state to live with grandparents. Still, to this day she struggles with the separation from her mom, she'd actually be fine if her mom would just get her act together, quit the substance abuse and at least visit on a regular basis without all the drama that was included any time there was visitation. My daughter was the one who decided to stop regular visits due to that drama, yet still does struggle that her mom is right here local and just doesn't step up and be a mother, instead of continually running around...different places to crash out, different guys, and substance abuse taking priority above anything else.
Bottom line though, even with the emotional struggles that go along with a custody change, she is really thriving here. She went from danger of being held back due to poor attendance to being place in a gifted program and doing real well in school. She's safe here as opposed to living in a drug infested environment and she knows that. I just happened to get very lucky with the custody battle situation, while right on the verge of filing for that custody myself was when I got that call and there really was no battle, just a quick obvious decision by a judge that she needed to come live with me.
So anyway, just rambling a bit about my situation, but mostly wanting to let you know that although there may be some issues with her not wanting to come live with you, that if it is in her best interest to be able to grow up in a positive environment, safe from harm than just stick to your guns and make that happen.
Also, the only thing I didn't do that I wish I would have is start counseling for her right away afterwards. I thought that since we already had such a close relationship prior that I myself could help get her through her issues about the relocation, and lack of an involved mother etc. Some of that stuff just didn't get resolved with time and my efforts, so we're currently going to counseling to help her finish coming to terms with things. I know she wouldn't wish to go live with her mother, she knows here is where she needs to be and does enjoy it here...yet it's still hard for her when her mother just isn't the mother that she could be. So, be prepared for some struggles, check in here as you need to, keep in mind it's about allowing her to grow up in a positive/safe environment....and best of luck.

The reality is that children love their mothers even if they are really crappy mothers. Living with her mother in this terrible situation is all your daughter knows. It sounds to me like you are doing the right thing. Once she comes to stay with you, forming a good relationship with her will be very important. You might want to brush up on what kind of stuff she's into like music, movies, after school activities. Helping her look and feel confident before starting a new school would be good also. It sounds like she is in need of some new clothes and shoes and a visit to the hairdresser. It may be tough to get her there, but if living with you is really a healthier environment, then she'll come around. Good luck to you and your daughter.