hi, i just signed up here. but i'm not actually a single mom. i am thinking very seriously about telling my husband that i want a divorce, but i'm scared. scared of everything that will happen when those words leave my lips. we talked about divorce a year or so ago, and he was extremely mean about it. he is divorced and has grown children. we have one three year old child together. i am worried about the custody thing of course. i don't want to do the week to week custody thing. personally i think that would be a horrible way for a small child to live. i know there are a lot of people who are for this arrangement. but to me, i think it's not good. i'm really wondering what are the chances that this would be the arrangement that i would be forced with; if in fact that is what my husband would fight for? i'll give more information if asked. this is getting long already.........

welcome parismomma !
if you surf through the posts here you might find more inspiration and ideas to maybe see clearer for yourself.
good luck and stay with us
red

thanks red. i am surfing right now!!

Hi parismomma and welcome to the site.
May I ask why you are considering a divorce? What has brought this on and why do feel there is no alternative? Have you tried counseling? Have you considered that he got mean about a divorce before because he was hurt? Okay I don't want to make it to 20 questions so I will quit there. Sorry.

if there is a way to save your marriage do it!!!!!! although i adore my last two girls who my ex fiancee gifted me with (the only positive thing he probably will ever accomplish) i wish i could go back to my ex husband of 13 years and try one last time to make it work with us. im sure his new wife wouldnt be too up with the idea... anyway that is water under the bridge for me but for you it isnt. unless there is abuse just about anything else with time and effort from both partners can be fixed.

quote:

Originally posted by tomany2count:
[qb] Hi parismomma and welcome to the site.
May I ask why you are considering a divorce? What has brought this on and why do feel there is no alternative? Have you tried counseling? Have you considered that he got mean about a divorce before because he was hurt? Okay I don't want to make it to 20 questions so I will quit there. Sorry. [/qb]

to put it bluntly; i'm considering divorce because i do not love him. and i'm sorry to say that i don't think that i ever did. married 6 years. i wanted to love him, i tried and i thought that i did. but now i'm not really sure. yes we tried counselling. yes i considered that he was mean before because he was hurt. he was vicious-mean. (not in a physical violence way) but he is very defensive all the time for everything and anything that i say. i'm tired.

quote:

Originally posted by JEANIE_BROWNEYES:
[qb] if there is a way to save your marriage do it!!!!!! .. anyway that is water under the bridge for me but for you it isnt. unless there is abuse just about anything else with time and effort from both partners can be fixed. [/qb]

i don't know. like i said; i don't love him. for the past two years we have been basically roommates. there's no love here. there's no abuse. but there's no love. this is not how i want to live the rest of my life. of course there is more to my story than that, but that's it in a nutshell.

why does this sound familiar .
Not not my story, but so many others.
I wish there was a way to save your relationship.

Have you tried separation? Sometimes that helps and brings a lot of things to light. Like my best friend told me when I was confused about a lot of things, can you see him with another woman? When it's his turn with your child, can you really see him and her picking your child up together? Think about that, that�s when you know it�s over.

I can understand your feelings. with all the lies and betrayal in my mairrage i just didnt feel i could trust him anymore and you gotta do what is best for you and your kids. your going thru the most difficult dicision of your life and no one can do it for you. i really hope it works out for you

quote:

Originally posted by SillyGirlsnGA:
[qb] Have you tried separation? Sometimes that helps and brings a lot of things to light. Like my best friend told me when I was confused about a lot of things, can you see him with another woman? When it's his turn with your child, can you really see him and her picking your child up together? Think about that, that�s when you know it�s over. [/qb]

we have not tried separation. i have still not totally convinced myself that i am ready to tell him that i want a divorce. the main thing that is scaring me is the thought of another woman being in my son's life in a "mothering" role. the thought of it hurts.

the thought of seeing my husband with another woman (after divorce of course) doesn't bother me really. but the thought of my son with "another mother" does bother me. thinking about another woman tucking him in, helping him in the bath, hugging him, driving him around, etc. all these things make me sad to think about. i wanted to be a mom more than anything since i was little. more than wanting to be married; i wanted to have a child. now that i have one, the thought of "sharing" him (and splitting his time with an exhusband) really scares me. that is the main major thing that is keeping me here still.

Well, you'll find a lot of people have different opinions about this...here's mine...

A divorce may improve your life...you may find your soulmate now as opposed to later...then again, you may not. There are some ways in which it will surely hurt you: the times of your child's life that you will miss, learning to share your child with a new stepparent, and the child support payments if you don't get custody/the endless work if you do get custody.

A divorce will hurt your daughter's life. Kids are better living with both of the parents they love to either 50/50 split custody or living with one parent while visiting the other. Oh, divorce is definitely better than living with an abusive parent, but there isn't much evidence that kids are harmed by living with good and responsible parents that aren't "in love" with each other.

Weighing the possible benefits against the guaranteed hurt...I'd advise you to try everything possible to save the marriage.

quote:

Originally posted by BigBobby:
[qb] Well, you'll find a lot of people have different opinions about this...here's mine...

A divorce may improve your life...you may find your soulmate now as opposed to later...then again, you may not. There are some ways in which it will surely hurt you: the times of your child's life that you will miss, learning to share your child with a new stepparent, and the child support payments if you don't get custody/the endless work if you do get custody.

A divorce will hurt your daughter's life. Kids are better living with both of the parents they love to either 50/50 split custody or living with one parent while visiting the other. Oh, divorce is definitely better than living with an abusive parent, but there isn't much evidence that kids are harmed by living with good and responsible parents that aren't "in love" with each other.

Weighing the possible benefits against the guaranteed hurt...I'd advise you to try everything possible to save the marriage. [/qb]

no offense....but i'm getting kind of tired of the advice to "try to save my marriage" when i keep telling people that i don't love my husband. i'm terribly unhappy and lonely in this marriage. i don't love him and i'm positive he doesn't love me. what kind of a life is that? for any of us? so that our child can have both parents in the same home? i'm scared to take the move to do anything yet. but i can't see staying here for the rest of my life with someone who bugs the cr*p out of me daily. saving a marriage is worth it if you love the person and really want to make it work. please stop telling me to try to save my marriage. i know what my marriage is like. i know what we have tried and not tried. what i need now is support in my decision, not more people doubting me and telling me to stay in this loveless marriage.

i'm sorry if i'm sounding hostile. but i'm so frustrated. i've been really unhappy for over 2 years. we are defintely at the "emotional divorce" stage. it's horrible to live this way. is abuse the only thing that is a good enough reason? just because there's no abuse happening, then i should remain married? and just for the record i don't agree that there is no harm done to children who live with parents who are "not in love". my parents are divorced and my mom married a wonderful man who is perfect for her. my dad also married a woman who is perfect for him. i wouldn't wish my parents were still married for anything!

the only thing keeping me here now is because i'm scared to be living the "step" life with my son. i haven't got the courage to deal with that yet. sorry i know this all sounded harsh. i'm not feeling real well today.

Well, I said that you'll find that a lot of people have different opinions about this...

Marriage is a serious commitment and according to the vows, it is till death do you part. Nowadays, most everyone agrees that a marriage should be dissolved if keeping it together means someone is likely to get injured; beyond that, however, hardly anyone agrees. Personally, I can't see how just changing your mind is a good reason. It is contrary to definition of a commitment.

That doesn't mean you have to be lonely and unhappy forever. There aren't any couples that stay together forever without experiencing these feelings at some point. They find ways to work on their marriage, fix the problems, and find happiness again. I'm happy your parents found new love after they ended their marriage, but nobody can know what would have happened if they had kept it together. Jeez...I think of my grandfather who managed to be happy in a marriage that consisted of exhausting labor and caring for a woman that was mentally ill. I'm sure he could have found thousands of other women that would have given him an easier sort of happiness. Keeping his promises was very important to him, however, and he was able to give himself happiness while honoring the difficult commitment he made.

Anyway...you *will* find other people who believe that "falling out of love" is a reason to break up a marriage. Honestly, I'm surprised that you haven't had one of them write in to support you yet. Maybe it has to do with the lack of concern your posts have shown for the two other people who will be affected by your decision...you have lots of concerns about how hard it will be for you, but no mention of how hard it will be for your husband. There's a little concern about your son having week to week visitation, but even then you call it something that "[you] would be forced with." Still...I'm surprised nobody has written to say you're doing the right thing in giving up on your marriage...I imagine you'll get some support before too long...

Later,
Bobby

quote:

Originally posted by parismomma:
[qb] hi, i just signed up here. but i'm not actually a single mom. i am thinking very seriously about telling my husband that i want a divorce, but i'm scared. scared of everything that will happen when those words leave my lips. we talked about divorce a year or so ago, and he was extremely mean about it. he is divorced and has grown children. we have one three year old child together. i am worried about the custody thing of course. i don't want to do the week to week custody thing. personally i think that would be a horrible way for a small child to live. i know there are a lot of people who are for this arrangement. but to me, i think it's not good. i'm really wondering what are the chances that this would be the arrangement that i would be forced with; if in fact that is what my husband would fight for? i'll give more information if asked. this is getting long already......... [/qb]

Hi Paris, welcome. If you don't want to hear our honest opnions, then you are not ready to be part of a forum such as this. What do you gain by being frustrated by people who care for you and want only the best for you?

The things that cause you fear HAVE NOT HAPPENED - except in your mind. Fear immobilizes you and gives you an excuse to stay miserable, which is why you haven't moved forward.

F.Y.I. custody must be decided upon TOGETHER by the parents. It's a give and take - you say what you want, he says what he wants and you arrive at an agreement somewhere in the middle. The standard is every other weekend. The exception is week-to-week, yet, again, that is to be decided between the both of you.