Single Family Voices - For Single Parents Online Single Parent Forums Divorce / Seperation My wife of 8 years just moved out with our two boys, she says she needs some time to.|
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My wife and I have been together for almost eight years, and we have two wonderful boys, ages one and five. No we havent had the best marriage, but I don't think it has been so bad that she has to leave. I know that finances are playing a huge role along with her entire family wishes that I would just fall off the face of the planet. I am so lost, confused, and alone right now that I can't think straight. My fears are that she will be gone forever, and that my relationship with my boys will diminish. I can't bear the thought of not waking up or going to bed not knowing that they are in the next room, or that I can't give them hugs and kisses before work or bed, or that I can't just walk into thier rooms at 2am to give them a kiss on thier head, listen to them breath, and put my hand on them to feel the pounding of thier heart. I don't know what to do or what the future will bring. All I do know is that I love my wife and kids with every piece of my head, heart, and soul. I don't even know what I am asking for or what I need someone to say. I guess I'm just really lost.
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On the Board |
Doesn't sound too different from what I went through.
Clearly this is going to be a very difficult and depressing time for you emotionally. But one thing you need to start thinking about is child custody. Perhaps you consider your wife to be a good mother and are willing to let her keep the kids, in the event that this does end up in divorce (which I would say there is a very high likelihood of happening). In that case, perhaps you don't need to worry about custody too much. However, if you feel you would make a better parent AND you are willing to put in the incredible amount of time and energy that that would involve, then you need to act QUICKLY and get yourself the best lawyer you can find and afford. As a general rule, I think divorce lawyers are the scum of the earth. However, the reality of the situation is that, as far as child custody goes, you've got to play the system, and to do that requires a knowledgeable (and often, expensive) lawyer. Custody laws vary from state to state, so what I'm about to relate may not completely apply to you. In Indiana, where I was divorced, there are essentially no laws about what you can and cannot do (within reason) with your children until someone has actually filed for divorce. I fought a long, expensive, and ultimately fruitless battle for the custody of my daughter. I often think back to how things might have changed if I had tried to keep my daughter with me. The judge will often give temporary custody to the parent who has the child at the time of separation. My (now ex-)wife allowed me to see my daughter once, before she actually filed for divorce. If I had just taken my daughter back home with me at the time and kept her with me, I might have actually been able to ultimately get custody of her. Once temporary custody has been assigned, however, such a move would be considered "parental kidnapping," if you can believe such a term actually exists, as if a parent can be considered a kidnapper of their own flesh and blood. The other thing I've discovered (after the fact) about divorce law is that he/she who files for divorce first gains a HUGE advantage in the legal system. So, if you think your marriage has no hope of reconciliation, that is something to consider. Divorce and separation **** , and I'm sorry you are going through all this. Not many people go into marriage thinking "this might end up in divorce." We all want to live "happily ever after." Only the fortunate few ever actually experience that. Hang in there. -BDad  |
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On the Board |
I have a similar situation. My husband and I had been together for just about 4 years. He has two biological daughters and the oldest was living with us. She caused problems from day one...and basically worked a wedge between us until everything fell apart. She went through my belongings, stole from me and my neighbor, lied and manipulated. Meanwhile, my husband was going to school and working at night. He neither "saw" what she did nor did he bother to do anything about it.
As far I knew we were having problemd dealing with her but nothing big enough to cause divorce. Well, the story ends on Saturday 11 March when he took me out on a date. I later came to realize he had been working with his lawyer to draft divorce papers the same day. The next day, Sunday the 12th, my good "Christian" husband signed the papers, on Monday, the 13th the papers were signed/stamped at the courthouse, on Tuesday the 14th I was served. Never once did he talk to me about whatever his problems were and he didn't even have enough respect for our marriage, me or our 11 month old baby to try marriage counseling. I think I have a pretty good idea how you are feeling. If you want to PM me feel free. Just know you've come to the right place...you'll get lots of support and advice from people who have been there done that. There will be days where you feel like you need to be on SFV a lot and there will be days you won't feel like it. My situation is pretty fresh so i'm still having up and down days. As I was told when I first started on the board...it is going to get better but it will take time. In the meantime turn that anger into something worthwhile. Hire the best lawyer you can find, expect to incure a little debt and try to figure out what is best for your children as you go through the process of dealing with your lawyer. |
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I am New to SFV |
It sounds like you really love those kids and that's what is going to get you through this. You just have to do what is best for them. Take this time to get your head on straight and just think things through. Then, once you have a plan, you can go for it. Just getting through the emotional part is the hardest. Keep focused and you will do the right thing. |
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You are so right. I wanted the divorce, but my ex filed first and it gave him control. He took our family lawyer (with reasonable rates). I couldn't afford a lawyer, and I thought that we setteled things with the divoce fairly...Looking back, if I'd played my cards right being that I was the homemaker for 17 years and didn't have a full time job, and was the mom........I could have made things go more my way. Divorce sucks when especially when your not prepared.
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I am New to SFV |
If she files for divorce first, she'll take you to the cleaners. Get a lawyer and find out what your rights are and what moves you should make. That's my suggestion.
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Single Family Voices - For Single Parents Online Single Parent Forums Divorce / Seperation My wife of 8 years just moved out with our two boys, she says she needs some time to.