In short, my ex walked out 10 years ago leaving me with 2 boys under 5 and 1 yr short of getting a degree. After years of struggling financially and emotionally alone, he realizes his mistake and wants us to be a family again,

My kiddo's dad has suddenly decided that he would like to enter into the kid’s life too. My 18 mo old has seen him maybe 5 times and it has been almost a year ago since that was. I had to hear from my 7 yr old plenty of times "why doesn't my daddy call me or come see me?" So I personally have decided that he doesn't get that leisure to walk in and out of the kids lives. Mind you he has never paid a penny to help support them!!

I don't know what kind of man or father your ex is, but your kiddo who is about to enter high school is at a very impressionable age and if this man isn't anything you want your son to be influenced by I would have to say tough to this guy! HOWEVER.... if your kid wants to try and seek a relationship with the father at this point he is old enough to decide that, and if you deny him he may resent you for that.

Tessmit, tough situation... I can see why you are not keen. I think you should follow your intution on this one. My concern would be that he is simply curious about how and what they are doing, what they look like now etc...That's an opinion of course..as I don't know the full situation.

If that is the case it would not make me feel very confident that he may back out or may dissappoint the boys and at that age it could be an interesting turning point in their lives. Dissappointments are much bigger in the hormonal stage of things.

Personally I would say no, but explain to the boys why and what your preference is. I would be concerned that it would affect their grades and how well they are doing in school should it not turn out so great.

But at teh same time take your children's point of view into consideration and go with your gut and as long as they understand the consequences of their choices either way..then it should work out good no matter what route you and the boys chose because they will be prepared.
Hope that helps.

I would suggest due to the lack of time he has spent with teh children, that maybe for the first long visit, he should maybe go where the kids actually live. Not at your place. Surely he can find a cottage or camp ground to go with the kids and and do it for two weeks. After going this long without developing rapore on a continual basis with the kids, he can't expect to be able to just jump right into their lives. Especially at that age, where they didn't grow up with him to understand their father, and vice versa. Arguments are not a terrible thing, it would be part of their healing experience and conflicts will arise. Normal.

I think your gut feeling is that something could happen. Follow your gut.

Now my question to you would be, is it you that is afraid that they may not be taken care of, or that they may not enjoy themselves there and be unhappy and you will have no control to go and get them? Or are the kids worried about that?

Because while it is true, you do not know how their relationship works because he hasn't been there, you don't really know what is normal or not. But at the same time, it is normal because it is their father and that is the relationship they are going to have with their father for the rest of their life. It doesn't mean that their father was right when that happened last summer, but that is what it will most likely be like. It may not mean it is right or wrong, but it is a new situation, something new to learn how to cope and work through.

But your gut feeling is usually right...try to comprimise with him on that.

Shorten the time....


And lastly it is no one's responsibility to make HIM happy. It is not your job, and not the kids job. It is his own job.

Now you say he seems to be re-evaluating his life and seems sad.

Not your problem.....

What do the kids want to do? Do they want to see their father for that length of time?


Miranda

My mother always said that by the time your children are teenagers, you have taught them everything that you can as far as right and wrong is concerned. At that point all you can do is pray they make the right decisions and let them make their own mistakes.

I would imagine your kids would like to have a relationship with their father. Even if he is a flawed person he's their father. And they will get to know him for who he is. You dont have control over that. All you can do is be supportive to your kids and pay attention to what's going on.

Tessmit...
while that is great, use caution and maybe shorten the visit for this time until he can prove good behaviour wiht the kids.

and i agree with missabb as well...you taught them all they need to know when it comes to making decisions and values etc...

there is only so much we can do to protect them, and if it is what the kids want it is up to them to chose partly but you can still have control on the time of how long they go for.

It might be an eye opener too for them not to mention a healing process no matter how it turns out.

I am anxious to hear what happens.

Miranda

and to answer your question as to whether sons get along with their dads like that?

Not usually but it is known to happen. If all parties work together it can work. I am concerned about the part where you mentioned he seemed sad though...can you explain that part more?

Wow...a winner!!! LOL

Tell him I said that if he wanted to be closer to the kids to uproot his own but to do that.
Okay, all temper and emotion aside....

Now, let me get this straight, he wants YOU to move into the same house with him? Sounds manipulative to me. Perhaps a way for him to have control over your financial weaknesses to inspire you and make you believe you should do that because you are weaker? Hmmm maybe that is just a silly thought, but on the other hand, he did nothing to empower you at all in your situation with the kids and now he is coming across with hidden agendas here so it seems.

I think you should follow your gut feeling on everything. Gain back control of the situation by limiting the kids time with him for the time being. I am not sure what exactly he is up to, but it sounds like hidden agendas to me. For one he makes you feel sorry for him, and now he is on cloud 9 with all these big purchases. Not sure where he is going with this so I think you should stand your ground and let it be final.