I have had a bad week...stressful, busy...everyone knows what I am talking about...but I struggle with whether I am making a mistake in trying sooo hard to get a divorce. I have 16 years with this man - only man I have ever been with and the only man I have ever felt complete with...He hurt me so bad over the past few years...lies, deception, betrayal...but when I think about what I want in a person the next go around, all I see are things that he did or things that he said that made me happy. He made some pretty large mistakes and I know that I shouldn't look back, but I have 5 children to think about and I wonder if I am making a mistake ...they need him.

Truth be known, I am lonely...I miss being touched, talked to, consoled, loved....when is divorce wrong...I struggle with whether it is wrong in God's eyes. I wonder if I will be alone forever...cause I hate it! There has to be more to life than this. I could settle for an 1/8th of a fairy tale right now!

Could use some input!
steph

I believe that if (while you are married) you are living in misery and turmoil, strife, are being abused or he is cheating...that it is acceptable to get a divorce. God never intended for a marriage to be that way. If the husband (or wife) cheats and commits adultery, he/she goes back on their vow and I've been told by many church goers that once the vow has been broken-you are loosed from it.
I have questioned the same thing, too....I have read scriptures about it. Sometimes, I too, wonder if biblically, I can move on (one day) to another. In my case, I have been married more than once. But 2 out of the 3 husbands I had cheated on me and ultimately that is what destroyed the union.
It is different with you perhaps.
I was so concerned about this last divorce b/c this husband did NOT cheat on me but I and my children (not his) were so unhappy when we were around him. He was controlling and VERY authoritative (what I said goes knda guy). He wasn't raised around his 2 kids so didn't seem to have much patience with them.(long story)
When I took this to my counselor ( I had questions about wether it was wrong or right in the sight of God, since there was no fornication....but I was SO MISERABLE) he told me that I needed to definately get a divorce and ask God to forgive me. (Forgive me for breaking the vow). He said it is like any other sin and showed me in the scripture where all sins are the same to God...one is like the other. When you sin-you simply ask forgiveness and move on.....

Is there a chance here with you and your husband-to work things out and start over? I mean does he want that like you do? If there is a chance to salvage a marriage I would say YES, do it. But if he was abusive to you in any way, shape or form, leave him and stay away......just MHO
Hope this is useful to you....
I am sorry you are going through this right now....but I promise that in time, it will pass.

the abuse that I endured was not physical..his was emotional and he was sooo controling (only, I never saw that until he went to prison). He has cost me financial ruin (which I can repair over the course of time), loss of integrity, betrayal beyond words...

But, the kids love him and he is a great father and great in other areas ....just tired of being alone and sometimes I wonder if my baggage will cause me to be happy with anyone again.

Thanks for the kind words.
steph

Be glad he is good with the kids and that they love him. But if you cant trust him and he is controlling then it is time to move on.

One should never consider going against God's word lightly with the attitude that God will forgive. While God will forgive we still face the consequence of our choices. I do not want you to think that I am saying don't do it, just don't do it lightly.

From what you have said I think in time that you will find it better to be alone then in the situation you talked about. In the long run it could be better for your kids.

I too have lots of baggage and wonder if I will have some one to spend adult time with but if not I can still be happy in a different way.

I apologize for making it seem that I was taking God's word lightly-this was NOT my intent at all.
To better express myself, I should be speaking and not writing....at least pertaining to this particular subject.....
I wish you the best and really I think prayer would be a good thing to consider (regarding this)...

Peace,

I did not think you were taking God's word lightly, just making a point for others, as this is an open forum.

As you don't know my history you can't know what I have struggled with. For many reasons I don't talk about my past much. I was not pointing fingers as that is not me and the Word speaks against it.

I too do better talking then writing.

Steffi,

I was just talking to my fried about this the other night...cause when she told me...that she was filing for divorce from my best friend...she also asked me...if I thought she should do it so quickly.

Here's what I told her.

""YES, I think you should, as quickly and THOROUGHLY, and with a good attorney ( they own businesses) as possible.
You and he have problems, I have been playing marriage counselor to you two as long as I can remember. I know you are lonely....but after your done with the divorce process and that last day in court,...and seeing those signed papers, something WILL change.

Wait until then before making any further decisions about "Him". and IF, he comes back to you...and you do WANT him? Dont pick up where you left off...start over. Make him change, improve and above all make him court you, so he can remember why he married you in the first place. ""

Steffi, Loneliness is a terrible thing to endure
(especially alone. get it? alone? loneliness? sorry just trying to lighten things up.) and as much as you miss being caressed and made to feel "wanted", a man like myself misses the opportunity to touch a woman and show how much her very "presence alone" is appreciated.

Hang in there, kiddo.

Can I cry now? Are you an author of romance novels? If not, you should be! You're just getting material to work with aren't ya?

No, really, I know you get it, it's just hard to stomach sometimes being by myself and wondering about everything...

steph (not steffi)

Steph,
My whole marriage was a romance novel...Good, bad, ugly....or otherwise. No joke.

I loved being married...and was quite good at it....I was "happy" and glad to face whatever problems I had to.

I thought about writing a book about my life...but it'd be too boring to be a "best seller" I'm thinking.

I think I could possibly hit the "best seller" list. My story is nothing short of a novel, movie...you just wouldn't believe it! I too loved being married...there are things I really miss.
steph

Steph,

That question is hard to answer since you got to live with your decision and it affects other loved ones also.

thoughts to ponder (you don't have to answer this on the post)

quote:

He hurt me so bad over the past few years...lies, deception, betrayal...but when I think about what I want in

What was the reason behind the lies, deception, betrayal? was it to keep you and his family happy or take advantage of you?
Sometimes people make dumb decisions out of love and everybody pays the price.

quote:

Truth be known, I am lonely...I miss being touched, talked to, consoled, loved....when is divorce wrong...I struggle with whether it is wrong in God's eyes.

If faith is very important to you and you belong to a church, perhaps your church leaders can council you.

quote:

all I see are things that he did or things that he said that made me happy

There's no doubt he made you feel loved and not wanting the divorce may mean he's not willing to give up yet.


You'll know in your heart what will be right for you because you'll feel some peace.

((I wouldn't answer the questions above on this post.... PM me if you like))

quote:

((I wouldn't answer the questions above on this post.... PM me if you like))

How do I do this...I have been trying to figure this one out but no luck. I would love to PM you and Paul...
steph

PS Thanks for the advice

Okay, you can all sue me because I'm going to post a scripture that helped me get when my husband left me. And it's from the Book of Mormon. I know some people don't believe it's the word of God, but this scripture was just such a big help. This scipture is talking to some men who have messed up big time.

Jacob 2:35
Behold, ye have done greater iniquities than the Lamanites, our brethern. Ye have broken the hearts of your tender wives, and lost the confidence of your children because of your bad examples before them; and the sobbing of their hearts ascend up to God against you. And because of the strictness of the word of God, which cometh down against you, many hearts died, pierced with deep wounds.

I guess what I'm trying to say is God hears the pain of your heart at this broken trust. I wish I could put the whole chapter here, but it's simply too long. In it you hear over and over God's sorrow and anger at these men for harming their wives and children, for deserting them, and causing so much pain.

quote:

Originally posted by Sunflower Central:
........God hears the pain of your heart at this broken trust. ..... In it you hear over and over God's sorrow and anger at these men for harming their wives and children, for deserting them, and causing so much pain.

Although, I dont follow the teachings of the Book Of Mormon, truth is truth.
I, for one, have to ignore and not carry the things I've witnessed from watching one parent leave and nearly destroy children because of it.

But, the fact remains that sometimes divorce IS a necessary option...whether for safety or sanity.

First, I want to thank everyone for their input...I had a weak moment when starting this topic. Point is, when I think about my children and the life I want for them, I remember the vows I made when they were born to give them a loving family with a mother and a father! I have a large amount of "guilt" even if I did not cause this situation. I deal with this in counseling at least once a week.

Second, according to my faith, there are two reasons where divorce is "allowed" and that involves abandonment and adultery - I guess I have this covered on both counts.

Anyway, I am going through with the divorce...I just have to deal with dealing with the guilt.