Hi all, my name is Olga and this is my first post so bear with me. Thanks.

Okay, here is my situation. I am seriously thinking of leaving my husband of 6 1/2 years. We have been together for over ten years and he is the father of my three children. The thing is, he has never really wanted any kids. When I got pregnant the first time, he asked me to get an abortion. When I didn't, well, he basically threw a tantrum, told me I was making choices for him refused to speak to me for three weeks and broke things. I told him he could leave any time. He stayed. He told me the second was no big deal and we even planned the third. However, our first is almost 8 and he still spends most of his time on the computer, sometimes not seeing his children for more than 15 minutes a day. When I leave so that he has to stay with the kids, he either sits on the computer and lets them watch a movie the whole time or he sleeps on the couch. He told me when we moved to our new place he would take them for walks and to the park but in two months, nothing, just more computer time. He almost never spends time with them voluntarily and when I ask him to be with them to give me a break, he yells and acts like it is this big imposition. This is not constant, probably 80% of the time. The other 20% he is really great with them. I think he loves them because he feels like he has to but he has never made a real commitment to be a dad. I do not think he really wants to be and he thinks that he does his duty by going to work and coming home. I am not saying it is all him, I know I should have left before the first was born. I didn't and now I am not sure they will be better off with no dad.

Now onto our relationship. My husband wants us to swing. For those of you who don't know, this is where couples have sex with other people as part of their committed relationship. I know it is not the norm but it is healthy and fine for many people I believe. I don't really have any interest in doing it. He told me he needs it, so I let him. The thing is, I don't mind if he sleeps with other people. That is not the issue. The thing is, he told me that he *needs* it, that he feels like less of a man if he doesn't have relations with other people. He feels less complete when this isn't part of our sex lives. Now there are two possibilities: either this is true or he is just saying it so he can bang other people. Either way, how can I stay?

I think I am just coming to the point of realizing that we are really incompatible and that I have to leave. But I am having trouble overcoming the idea that you stick. I was raised that you stick through hard times and you don't leave unless you have to. I have trouble justifying that I *have* to in this situation. I feel like I am giving up. I guess I just wanted some input from people who have a perspective from the other side, ya know? Thanks for any words, kind or otherwise. =)

Warmly, Olga*

Well, I don't want to share this, but I feel I have to. My ex convinced me to "swing" with him for 18 months. He had me convinced that it is "healthy and fine" but it's NOT. I also didn't mind him sleeping with other people (should have set off alarm bells in my head!) and when I got pregnant actually encouranged him to go out with other ladies so he would not touch me. The problem would come when we were at a "club" trying to meet a couple to "swing" with and I would not agree, he would huff and puff and say I was ruining all his fun and that I was just being jealous etc. Once, when I was pregnant, he said he was taking me out to "celebrate" and he brought me to the club! He couldn't get in without me (couples only) but since I was preggers, no one would talk to us, and he said it was all my fault. He made me feel horrible about my guilt over what we were doing. I was torn over my feeling like I should do what he says and my feeling that it was just plain WRONG what we were doing. I look back on that time, five years later, and I still cry and have to see a couselor to get over everything that did to me. If your husband feels the NEED to do this, I am telling you, as someone from the inside, this is WRONG. I don't care what anyone says, consenting adults blah blah blah, husband and wife should not be sleeping with other people! I see it as a flimsy excuse to cheat. Don't feel like you are stuck or have to do what he says! You are a grown adult and make your own decisions! If you feel like you should have left before the first child, then do it now before its too late! If you already are at the point that him cheating doesn't faze you, then you have already passed the point of no return. Think about it, you can't get much worse off without him, all you will end up with is one less mouth to feed a lot of extra room where that silly computer used to be. (BTW my ex was ALSO involved with his computer, spending every spare momenty with his. Once he threw my sons bottle at my head because I asked him to turn around in his chair and grab the bottle off a table near him) I say let him and his new "square-headed girlfriend" (computer)go on their merry way. Think about it, in five years, you could have a whole new life, while he will still be parked in front of that computer. Which do you think is better? Leave that dead weight behind and get on with your life! Take it from someone who's been there!

Olga,
I think, I hope, we all give everything we have to our relationships with our children's other parent (mom or dad). But, there is a point when it isn't fixable and it isn't livable. It sounds like you've about reached that point. Have you reached the point that you have to leave, for your's and your children's sake?

Seraphin,
Thanks for your story. It mustn't have been an easy one to tell, but it helps us all to hear that someone as strong as you are, has gone through some pretty cr---py times. It gives us hope, strength, empowerment to get out and move on when you know you need to, but are afraid.