I am relatively new here and this is my first post so please bear with me!

My story is this--and if you don't have a glass or cup of something in your hand, now may be the time to stop and get one because this is one h*** of a story....

Married close to 15 years and have a 6 and an 8 year old. Ex-to-be was an attorney who attempted suicide last year and left the legal profession as a result. Turns out there is a strong history of depression in his family, amongst other reasons. Shortly after his resignation, he met a woman who offered him a chance to join her in setting up an international trade center. He always loved travel, world affairs, etc. so he was intrigued to say the least.

You all can guess the next part. They began having an affair early this year (she is married with a 3 and a 7 year old). I found out in early May (after he left a hotel receipt in plain view) and things went from bad to worse. His temper, which was always terrible to begin with, became worse whenever I questioned his whereabouts, schedule, etc. Also, she became much more demanding and aggressive, calling his cell phone and emailing him constantly. When did/does she have time to take care of her family?? Still don't have an answer to that one. Anyway, we argued constantly, and the worst part is he had no qualms about fighting (and throwing/breaking things) in front of the children. When it became clear that he was not going to leave her or their business, we discussed separation but he was always EXTREMELY resistant to moving out of the house. He wanted it all of course! He kept up his routine of staying out all hours, not calling to say when/if he'd return, etc. Meanwhile, I'm trying to keep my part-time federal govt. job which includes full health benefits for us all! Well, within no time he became even more distant, a virtual stranger to his own family, putting her and their business even before his own kids (that is the part that really hurt and still bothers me greatly). In July, after a series of horrific phone calls between me, him and her, he attempted suicide again. Girlfriend was almost crazed when he was in the hosp for 10 days and she couldn't see or speak to him (she even called friends of ours in which the husb. was a business acquaintance). After his release, he was okay the first few days home, and marriage counseling was discussed, but several days later he made contact with her and things returned to the same old, same old. After much more fighting, we decided to separate and I told him that I was filing for divorce. He decided to go stay with his mother overseas for a while, and would live with a friend in a fairly close city upon his return (he thought if things "cooled down" I might have a change of heart). However, I then learned that she joined him overseas shortly thereafter and even stayed at my mother-in-law's house! Well, a person can only take so much, and his behavior was so unpredicatable, that I had the locks to the house changed.

Well, he went ballistic when he returned to "his home" and could not get in. Thankfully, the kids and I were not home, but he has been trying to move back in ever since. Not because he wants to reconcile, but because of the convenience factor. Did I mention that their new business has made very little money so far? Or at least that is what I am told...

Anway, I filed for divorce, but the problem is that everything is in limbo because he has not been served with the papers yet!! He will not tell me where he is living and only recently gave me his new cell phone. Since he was an attorney, he knows all about service and the clock starting once he is served. He has not even seen an attorney yet himself! To make things even more stressful, when he comes to see the kids, he hangs around the house as if he still lives here, i.e. checks his email, washes his car, runs his errands with the kids (that's his idea of quality time with them), etc., etc. It is infuriating!! Of course, the kids still adore him, although my daughter recently asked "why did you ever marry the guy?" Made me realize that I made a good decision in having him leave, but still incredibly frustrating to say the least!

Does anyone have any ideas for dealing with this mess? Or how about a joke or two? I really apologize for the length of this and for dumping it all out, but he just left and it is all I can do to keep myself from wringing his neck. I am truly at a loss.

One last note, I recently switched attorneys and am waiting to get the balance of my retainer from the first to pay the second (they really don't make it easy), but the new one has several ideas to have him served. Sadly, it will probably have to be when he is here with the kids or at a soccer game. Does this stink or what?

Thank you all for your patience in reading this (to the brave few that is) and may we all get what we deserve!

MJ

MJ welcome to the site.
Sorry all that happened to you and your kids.
Heck I hate all the stories that brought us all here, but you have found a great place with wonderful people with great hearts and real world experiences and knowledge to draw on and share
It's a rough time to be sure.
I was thinking as I read your story that she should have him served when he comes to see the kids if that is somewhere you know he will be at such and such time.
If his behavior was so over the top in front of the kids before it won't be a shocking experience for them. Sad but true, and it moves the process forward. Or how about a health club or somewhere he is a member
It sounds like you have had a tough year and still have a few more months or turmoil, but you will get through it. You seem quit determined and strong.
I wish you well,

Harmony

A belated thanks, Harmony, for your words of encouragement. I am switching attorneys (I actually found a good one believe it or not who does not charge for every phone call and scrap of paper!) and she will be having him served sometime within the next week or so. I am so relieved. I just can't wait to get our situation formalized, so to speak ,so I can start living my own life.

From my few readings on this web site, it seems like you all are a great group of people. I hope to be able to offer some words of encouragement to someone down the road myself--once the smoke has cleared here in NJ of course!

Thank you again for your kind words and your warm welcome.

MJ

Hi Mj and welcome to the site.
So Sorry you have not recieved more posts on this. Actually I am surprised.

I do hope things can clear up for you shortly. I know sitting in limbo is not to fun.
Join in the anytime you feel it is a good place to be.
Take care, lots of prayers, God bless.

My first thought when I read your story was: Why has he 'attempted' suicide on more than one occasion. And how can two attempts (especially by a man) be unsuccessful? Now, I'm not saying it's impossible since I don't know the details, I'm just saying it seems a little odd... If he really wanted to take his own life, why is he still here?? Could it be just a way to get attention? And if he's willing to risk his own life just for attention, what else is he willing to risk? The most dangerous of criminals are those who have no consideration for their own lives because they have nothing to lose.

That becomes a concern when your children are brought into the picture. What if he decides one day as he's driving around, running errands, with your two precious angels in the backseat of his car, that he's just not getting enough attention that day. Since he has no regard for his own life and equally no regard for his children's well-being (as he would voluntarily elect to remove himself permanently from this world as to leave them father-less) he could be capable of anything. What's to stop him from running the car off the road to attract a little attention? What's to stop him from taking off with the kids so everyone has to stop living their lives to look for them, thus focusing their attention on him?

People ARE capable of doing horrendous things, whether we believe they are or not. Just watch the news, open a newspaper, turn on your radio. But it always seems that "He/she just didn't seem like the type of person to do such a thing! We're all in shock!" But the truth was in the warning signs, no matter how seemingly small or insignificant everyone chose to ignore...

Wow, MJ. I thought my story was bad. I'm new here too. My wife is leaving me for another, and has had a history of depression, etc., but she at least is keeping focussed on the kids and maintaining good relations with me (and visa versa). I think we both feel this is bad enough without being at each others throats as well). Sorry to hear about this mess. I'm afraid I can't offer much advice. Maybe try posting in the legal thread. All the best. I know first hand that this sucks big time.

MJ I am sorry for your situation and feel for you.I can tell you that my husband was served in front of the kids and acted like an idiot but after the kids and I talked about it they were ok.Wish I could help you more.It is so hard to deal with someone who truely believes he does not wrong Good luk

Hello, finally able to get back on here after a long weekend with the pop-in dad. Hope you all had a pleasant weekend.

You have all made some good points. I will say that his first suicide attempt (both of which were with over the counter pills by the way and both of which occurred in our home) was an act of desperation. I am convinced, however, that his second attempt was one of manipulation. Without going into all the details, I truly believe that he is in a place now where he has wanted to be for some time--and that is single, living with a bachelor friend, with his own social life and nightlife, with no parental responsiblities (no school pick ups/drop offs, Back to School nights, soccer practices, etc.), and with no financial responsibilties other than to himself (and his married girlfriend?!).

He dropped the bombshell last night on his way out the door that he will not be able to pay all of next month's mortgage payment. Mind you, he pays nothing else, and in fact maintains expenses for himself that are still billed to "us" and our address. He still has yet to see an attorney, and he is clearly just dragging this out for as long as he can because he is the only one that benefits from this lack of structure. The good news though is that I just received a refund check from my first attorney which I can use to pay the second one to finally get him served and in court. He really needs to explain to the court why an Ivy League attorney cannot (actually will not) obtain employment that pays for the support of his children. It looks as if he will probably be served this next weekend at the house before our daughter's soccer game. I've been told that the process server is very diplomatic and low key, but I'm going to try and keep the children occupied so they don't have to be a part of any drama that he may wish to create.

I completely agree with the statement that people are capable of horrendous things, and that in many instances they are committed by those that appear the "most normal." I work in the criminal justice system and I see it everyday. You would be surprised, regardless of whatever type of socio-economic environment you live in, just how many of your neighbors, acquaintances, etc. are involved in the system. Many have just made a mistake, others are greedy, and the remainder are mentally ill or just plain evil. Your post about my ex-to-be driving around with my precious little ones really hit home though, and I think I must ask for supervised visitation. They can't visit him at his place now because he is living in a somewhat dangerous neighborhood, with cockroaches to boot!

I can see that many of us share similar stories and it is a relief to be able to discuss this (or is it ventilating, or both?) in such a supportive format.

I thank each and every one of you for your observations and words of encouragement. I truly feel less alone.

Good for you. You seem to have your head on straight and your children's best interests at heart. Working in the criminal justice system probably helps you to see things in a different light, which I'm sure can be depressing at times, but probably helps put things into perspective. You're never alone! We've all been through some tough times. Just focus on your kids and what's best for them and the rest will fall into place.