I am 7.5 months pregnant and going through a seperation/divorce with my husband of 1.5 years who is in the army. Although my husband has done alot over the past 6 months to hurt me, I'm a little confused as to what to do about custody, child support, etc. He says he wants joint custody. With him being in the military, he wants me to have our son for 6 months, and then him to have him for 6 months. This would mean he would get housing and extra money from the military. Money is not the issue for me... Although I don't make a lot of money, I have a very supportive family that will help me in any way I need. I'm just worried that the only reason he wants joint custody is because he won't have to pay any child support. I don't want to leave my son in his care if he's not going to get the best care or be raised in a good environment. My husband is great with kids, and has shown he can be responsible when he wants to, but sometimes it seems his love for his money and for himself overpower everything else. I don't know if I could handle being away from my son for 6 months at a time, but at the same time, I don't want him to grow up wondering why I kept him from having a relationship with his dad. I also would like to remain friends with my soon to be ex. Even though we have been through some rough times and might not be compatible as husband and wife, we are amazing friends and I'd like to salvage as much of that as I can. HELP!! I want to do what is best for our kid, putting all of my feelings and hurt, and all of my husbands feelings and expectations aside. I would love any advice or insight that anyone may have!! Thanks!

Thanks KM! I guess I'm looking for opinions on what the right thing to do is. I'm at a crossroads. I want what's best for my son. I can't decide if that's being with me the whole time (this would mean he would rarely get to see his dad, and also ruining the civil friendship I have with his dad) or if it would be better to agree to joint custod (6 months at a time) and that would mean no child support for me, but everything is 50/50. It would mean not seeing my son for 6 months unless I move to where they are for that time. It would mean taking him away from my family and my husband's family for 6 months since they are all here as well. I just want to do what's right, what's fair, and most importantly what's best for my son. I'd also love opinions from Dad's. My husband started crying last night when he thought I wasn't going to agree to joint custody. I'm happy and consider myself lucky that he wants to be a part of his son's life! I don't know if I could take that away... but don't know if being away from his mom for 6 months would be best.... I'm so confused!!

Will he be a good dad, sounds like his heart is in it.
Too often the other parent doesn't even want to be involved, sometimes the other parent being involved is a negative influence, and sometimes both parents, though separated, can be good parents. I'd go for the last one any day but instead my daughter's mother can't be bothered for the most part, and much of whatever she has done has been negative influence.
If both parents want to be involved and can be in a positive way I'm all for that. Whether it's you doing 6 months shared custody, or generous visitation or whatever works considering geographics. That's also hoping that dad would be visiting somewhat anyway with the newborn/infant.
Where you run into issues with the 6 month thing is school age. Then it's darned near impossible to get away from 9 months one place for school and then say summer and certain breaks at the other.
Last thought....about not knowing if being away from mom for 6 months would be best, would being away from dad for 6 months be best? Some of us can be pretty good parents too

This is a really tough one, I'm sure it's tough for both of you. I went through a custody battle in 2005, that lead to 50/50 custody. I'm not an expert but I believe in coparenting. If both sides are flexible then it can be a win-win situation.

If you and the dad can talk to each other ok, I really encourage you to talk it all out and come up with a parenting plan. The courts will help you with this, maybe even assigning a mediator to "referee" your discussions. It's cheaper for you, your ex, and the court system to work this all out on your own.

You could be right about dad's motivation, but you could be wrong to. I know for me, being a father was a life-long dream, an enormous part of my identity. When my divorce happened it rocked my world and I was scared ishless that I would lose that chance to make an impact on my kids lives. I'll be honest, money issues were a motivator for me, but not nearly as important as the lifelong dream of being a father.

It doesn't have to be his way or your way. Try being creative and thinking of different options, then talk to him about them. And it doesn't have to be concrete... parenting plans can and probably will change after the divorce is final. It gives you somewhere to start and also teaches you to communicate with each other so hopefully you and him can sort things out when issues come up (and they will)

It's hard to do, because divorce makes us adversaries sometimes, but if you and him can get your motivations and concerns on the table and communicate, then you can find solutions.

I don't think I answered your question, I don't know enough about you and him to answer it thruthfully. I just encourage you to talk to him about it and come up with a compromise.

NOTHING productive happens it court, you can trust me on that or ask a lawyer they'll probably agree if they're honest.

Hey Laura,

Welcome to SFV!

I first want to recognize how good it is to hear of two divorced parents being able to communicate and take such a strong interest in their child's well being. Kudos to both of you. From my own experiences I think 50/50 shared parenting is great if both parents are committed to making it work. What I don't see is how it can work with an infant when there is such a huge physical distance between the two of you. I can see this working when your son is older but even then you will eventually have to address who he will primarily reside with upon entering school. I would try and work things out as much as possible between the two of you without getting the courts involved. I'm not saying you shouldn't seek legal advice. It is important to document anything the two of you agree upon. Realize you are both going to have to give in to the other's wishes from time to time. It sounds like you are lucky to have someone that wants to be a good father regardless of his deficiencies as a husband. You both have a tough road ahead but if you look out for the child's needs first there is no reason you can't both have an equally strong relationship with him. Long distance parents can still be good parents. Wish you all the best.

Oh, and if that doesn't work tell him to check out SFV. We will straighten him out.

thank you so much for all of the replies!!! They have given me some great insight. I too appreciate that my husband wants to take an active role in our kid's life. My worries are if it would be healthy uprooting him and his routines every 6 months. Also, my husband got in a major car accident 2 years ago and suffered tramatic brain injury. He has mood swings off the handle, seizures, and the temper of an italian on top of that. I'm worried what he would or wouldn't do for our son in a stressful situation if he were alone... I only want what is best for our baby. Part of me thinks that is staying with one parent (and I will be the more stable one, since my husband is in the army and going through alot of changes with his MOS and also pending several more surguries) I would want sold custody but would do everything in my power to keep my husband in our son's life. I know at first he may resent and hate me for it, but my hope would be that eventually he may see my true motives and put aside feelings and just grow to love his son.... fyi I did also offer to try to work things out with my husband. I know we're not "meant to be" but I also know how important our son is to both of us. I told him I was willing to try for at least a year so we could both be with our son, and just see where things went. He refused. Also, I am planning to breast feed. How would that come into the picture?? I can't very well stock up on 6 months of breastmilk and send it off with my son to go see his dad!! Sometimes I really wish I just wasn't forced to make this decision. I wish things could be easier.

Hi Laura.

I want to say that as much as I admire your good intentions as far as your ex and your child are concerned, from my perspective it doesn't sound like he's really in a position to provide a stable and loving home for your baby. He can love his child without being the primary caregiver.

Your concern about breastfeeding is legit, and think ahead a few years -- it won't be long and you'll be trying to figure out preschool, and then elementary school. I don't see how a kid can move every six months without it being a huge disruption.

Did you say your ex is in the military? What would happen when, if your child is living with him for six months, he gets mobilized, or for some other reason has to put in tons of hours?

When you factor in the traumatic brain injury, the mood swings and outbursts ... he doesn't sound like full-time parent material to me.

I hope you'll look at all your options and get some legal advice before you agree to anything. Things change in a heartbeat during a divorce and what seems like a great idea now could turn into a nightmare down the road. The top priority is making sure your baby is well cared for by the person best suited to put him first. To me, that sounds like you.

Just my $.02 worth!

quote:

Hi Laura.

I want to say that as much as I admire your good intentions as far as your ex and your child are concerned, from my perspective it doesn't sound like he's really in a position to provide a stable and loving home for your baby. He can love his child without being the primary caregiver.

Your concern about breastfeeding is legit, and think ahead a few years -- it won't be long and you'll be trying to figure out preschool, and then elementary school. I don't see how a kid can move every six months without it being a huge disruption.

Did you say your ex is in the military? What would happen when, if your child is living with him for six months, he gets mobilized, or for some other reason has to put in tons of hours?

When you factor in the traumatic brain injury, the mood swings and outbursts ... he doesn't sound like full-time parent material to me.

I hope you'll look at all your options and get some legal advice before you agree to anything. Things change in a heartbeat during a divorce and what seems like a great idea now could turn into a nightmare down the road. The top priority is making sure your baby is well cared for by the person best suited to put him first. To me, that sounds like you.

Just my $.02 worth!

after a few days of worrying, contemplating, and aggonizing over this decision, I think you're right. My husband will be a great father, I'm just not sure that he can handle all the duties entailed with a new born right now at this point in his life. I know I'm going to be given **** in court for this. My husband has made it clear that he plans to fight for as long and as hard as it takes to get "what he wants"... I"m just not sure what he wants is what is best for our son. It's hard to put aside the feelings I have for my husband, because regardless of what he's done to hurt me, I still love him very much. It's hard knowing that the decision I'm about to make in a few months could potentially ruin any sort of relationship we might have had... but not taking that risk would be putting my needs and wants before my son. I hope that one day maybe my husband will realize my true intentions and we might be able to salvage a friendship. Thankyou for all the replies! You all have helped me work through alot!