After almost 10 yrs invested into our relationship (8.5 yrs married) I know it's over. I am still new to the board and I may have mentioned in an earlier post that I we were going on a cruise that we had been planing for about a year (before probs). Well, we went on it and that first day I know it was over.
We were living on an overseas military base, and my kids and I moved back here to the states in Oct. I had to drive down 8 hrs to Ft Lauderdale airport to pick him up. On our way to port canaveral for our cruise, we talkd off and on.
The moment I knew it was over was when he told me he wanted to expadite the finaliazation of the divorce (coming from someone who a month ago was in no hurry, and who isn't a very decisive person) because he had plans. This caused me to loose words. Then right after that he made the comment "Im sure you want to move on withyour life as much as I want to" That was a real slap in the face.
Then he went on to "joke" about dating others and how he had no intention of dating anyone for a long time. He's made a complete 360 degree turn in his personality in just the last 6months. He's been blaming me for alot in the last 1 year, but it's gotten worse the last 3 months or so. He has attacked me as a person, provider, and mother.
He has by no means made me feel guilty, like I am the bad guy or anything to that effect. I feel that his accusations are non founded and I have no reason to buy into them.
I am staying/playing nice till he finishes signing for my house. I got an offer accepted to buy a home and need his income to back me up so that I can get in it. I need him to sign one more paper. So I need to keep him happy long enough so that I can secure my house.
We have a legal noterized seperation aggreement and he's already violated that. It's only been 2 months since that has been in effect.
My parents, friends and family are being as supportive as they can. I am very appricative that I have them, but in the same note I also feel so alone. I know that I am not the first or last for this to happen to, but I feel very by myself. I have to many decisions to make and a battle with my soon to be ex. He thinks he has the upper hand, but I know better. It's so hard to bite my toungue and pretend everything is fine towards him when I was to rip him a new a$$hole.
It seems unfair to me sometimes to have to be as calm and secure as I can for children's sake. My kids are 4 and 20 months, and my 20 month old is still nursing.
She does ok and only nurses once and sometimes twice a day, but this last week when her daddy was home and up till yesturday she was wanting to increase her nursing. I know how much her daddy hates me nursing her, and she always wanted to nurse more frequenlty when we were together. Now that we are apart, she doesn't want as near as much. I know that says alot about the tension between us.
Tuesday night my 4 yr old son was going to sleep and he says "Mom I need you". It tore my heart out. I know what he meant. And I didn't know how to handle it. He was feeling the tension from his dad (who I thought was harder on him than his sister) and wanted me to rescue him.
I get so tired of soon to be ex trying to make me feel like I am theif, liar, bad mom, and selfish. I know that I am not any of those things.
In the last few weeks, especially since his last visit, I am begining to think he has had someone on the side for a while. Weather or not he has sexual relations with her I dont know. But there is just too many clues not to point to that. If it was just maturity issues, then it wouldn't be as vague as it is.
He looks incredibly guilty and acts like it as times while he thinks he's hiding it. I would have never though he would have been the type, but I now I wouldn't be surprised. He's very judgemental of everything I do. Good or bad.
I guess I dunno know what I was wanting to get out of this post, except to get it out to people that could understand how I feel.
If you have gotten this far, thanks for listening.

Guilt often causes people to lash out at those they are vicitmizing. It is his way of making himself feel better and also to make the divorce final in his mind. Makes it easier to leave when he demonizes you. As far as the other woman, may or may not be true but although it hurts you may be able to use it for your advantage. If you can prove it, the military looks very badly on it and will make him pay you out the wahzoo in alimony!

As for the house, I am sorry you have to kiss up to him at all but you have to the best thing for you and your kids and it is not like you are using him, you are getting what you deserve from a man that not only is callous to you but throws it in your face by making light of the situation.

Hold on, and find support here. You'll get it.

Very sorry for you.

Sounds like he's already justified his actions. I'm sure that there is guilt there, but people have a strange way of remembering the past differently to justify their giving up. There's not much you can do about it.

A side note here, if you need his signature for a house, is it something you can afford on your own? I know its hard to think about $$$ at a time like this, but getting yourself strapped into an overbearing debtload can only add to your frustrations.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your small children. I know how much this tears you up in side, seeing them go through this and having to keep your feelings calm. Just know, that because you are thinking of them first, it will all be ok.

I'm sorry to hear that things are going so badly for you and your children. Just know that it will get better. I know that isn't a consolation right now, but it really is true.

Just out of curiousity, and kinda relating to what DMM said, you aren't going to have his name on the house, are you? I think that would be a big mistake to do things that way. If you do, he has rights to half of what it is worth, and can make you buy him out or sell the house for his half. Be very careful of this and not getting into it and then not being able to afford it.

Good luck, and I'll keep a positive thought for you. Keep us posted.

Dear Tammy,
It is a tough and lonely time and most of the people in this site have felt the same as you at some point becoming single parents. It sounds as though you are being really strong and doing really well. It does get way better and as soon as you get the signature that you want you can at least start moving forward. I agree with the other posts that some people react to guilt by blaming the other person for everything so that they can feel like they are OK. It is his inadequacy. Hang in there and keep posting - people here do understand exactly how you are feeling and you are not alone
Take Care

I appricate your concerns about the house I am buying. But we will be seperated for over a year when we finalize the divorce. He still lives overseas and won't be coming back till very late next year. The kids and I will living it by ourselves for at least a year.
He is signing for it with me knowing full well that he will never live in it.
I also live in the state of florida where they almost always side with the wife, especially when there are kids involved. I know from watching my brother and others.
I will not loose my house. My crappy dh won't let his kids go without a place to live. And he knows that he can't handle them on a day to day basis by himself. My kids wont be taken from me either.
I know because of what I am still watching my brother go through. His dd is 5 and he was not able to gain custody even though the mother of his child was caught by the cops dealing and smoking pot. He can't gain custody even though his dd doesn't even live with her mother.
He doesn't seem to be worried about taking the house away from me, more then he's more afraid of being ordered to pay for it.

I understand your argument, but there are other things to consider.

His name on the house is a perfected lien. Therfore, it is owned in joint tenanship and unless otherwise contracted, he has a 50% share in the excess proceeds of the home when it sells...even if its 20 years from now.

He has means of establishing residency without even living there. If the home gets to a point where it is worth some money, then it can also become a shelter for him.

In Florida, there is an unlimited homestead exemption. If he were to get into financial straights and file for bankruptcy, his interest in the home would be an exempt asset and not included in the filing. When he came out, he may look to recover what he can from the home.

There are a number of other things that could possibly happen. I would STRONGLY advise you to seek counsel before the closing.

If he name is taken completly off all of it in the divorce decree then I have nothing to worry about since he name will no longer have any attchement to my house.

The divorce decree can't change the contrat with the lender. His name cannot be taken off the contract until you would get a new loan to payoff the old one.

Divorce decrees can determine who pays for what, but have ZERO bearing in civil court.

Tammy- DMM-good advice!!
your wrong about his name being taken off the house in the divorce decree and him then having no rights. You must really speak to an attorney because you will have to file a quit claim deed to take him off title and then you will have to refinance the house to take him off the loan. I work for a mortgage company and see these scenarios all day long. I am wondering if your receiving this information from your husband and if so he is going to make out like a bandit in the end living in the place you thought he wasn't going to have any rights too. Again, you need to obtain legal advice. Once you go to look for a loan be sure to let the mortgage company or bank know your scenario. I'm pretty sure they will tell you what I have mentioned.