Here is what I think, take it or leave it.

I feel that the ones that were married before have a whole different loneliness than those of us who have never been married.

I feel like in a marriage there is a legal commitment that allows you to get "comfortable" unless something causes you to feel less secure. No matter how long those of us who have never been married were in a relationship I feel we were more prone to feeling less secure unless something proved to us otherwise.

I, for one, never felt unified with the ex and really never was not lonely to some extent. Even when we were "together" he was never my "husband." So I am used to not having a husband. No big change really happened for me. Yes, I get lonely but I don't think it is the same lonely. The lonely I get is the same one I used to get before I ever met him or had kids and it is bearable. I eat chocolate or go to the mall or watch a movie at my best friends house while my girls play with her boys.

Point is, when you have had a marriage, been a family, and then it changes I feel it is a different loneliness that is felt.

I've been separated/divorced for 2-1/2 years now. I feel lonely a lot. I've been dating one woman for a while, and she's a great friend, but when I spend too much time with her, I just feel suffocated. After a hostile breakup with my ex-, she has been more friendly recently. I hate that. When she was hostile, it was easier to be in the mindset of "moving on with my life." Now, I find myself dreaming about her and thinking about the relationship again and fantasizing about getting back together again, even though my rational brain knows that doesn't make any sense. Times like this, it feels like I'm never going to be able to move on with my life.

Hmmm. BDad. Sounds like the relationship you are in now is not what you want. I would deal with your issues separately as they are not necessarily realated. The woman you are currently seeing should be given the respect of knowing you are not really serious about this relationship. It almost appears that you want the benefits of having someone at the cost of accepting one you have no real desire to commit to. Not fair to her, she gets nothing from this.

As for the fantasies. Understandable. When I am not totally happy in any relationship other options start to look good. Even ones I know are not the right ones. You were married to her. Emotional ties are normal. Jsut like you decided to commit to her in the first place, you have to make up your mind that this can't happen again unless you really think it could.

You can move on, but each day means trying to make the right decisions and trying to do better than the day before. You can't move on when you are using people as crutches. Crutches might help you when you are hurting but they can hinder healing and always slow you down when you are healed enough to walk on your own.

I have tried to break up several times, actually, but we somehow always end up back together again. She is as emotionally needy as I am. But I must confess, the *** is good. Very good . Maybe that's what's keeping us together.

Affirmative. I kinda expected that was why you were with her. I am sure you are thinking, "that's not the only reason." It NEVER is but it sounds like the determining one, and not a very good one either. I would put money on the fact that maybe that is what is keeping you with her but that is probably not what is keeping her with you. I will repeat myself, you are using her as a crutch. Main word here being USING. By doing this you are neither helping her nor yourself. Unless you really just don't care. Just because you both are emotionally needy (I have yet to find someone who is not to some degree) there really is no justification there.

You wrote, "Times like this, it feels like I'm never going to be able to move on with my life."

Sounds to me that you are your worst enemy. You have not given yourself the opportunity to move on.

Perhaps you are right. She is about the only person in my life right now that provides me the emotional support I need. She is my best friend. I guess that makes her a "crutch". But we all need emotional support. Are you suggesting I go it alone and abandon the center of my support system. That doesn't seem right either.

"I've been dating one woman for a while, and she's a great friend, but when I spend too much time with her, I just feel suffocated."

"Are you suggesting I go it alone and abandon the center of my support system."

Maybe that is what I am suggesting and the two lines above might show you why. If it doesn't then nothing I say can make you understand my point.

My point is that she is not a "crutch" but that you are using her as that so you don't have to walk on your own two feet. You are right we all need emotional support. Emotional support combined with *** can be lethal for a friendship unless you are truly committed.

Just does not sound healthy for either of you or fair to her.

Hmmm. So maybe I need to cut out the ***. We've tried that several times, and I never seems to last. Maybe I need to try it again. Don't think she'll like it, though. She hasn't in the past.

Thanks for the advice!

Schoolmommy I think I agree with your analogy that those that were married have a different type of loneliness.

When I broke up a 3 year relationship with my first love it was hard but I seemed to get over it faster and was able to move on with little thought of the past. I felt that this love was greater than the one with my husband... I dont know the "first love syndrome" and all. But I seem to think more about my relationship more that I had with my husband more - he made a commitment to me and I to him. He made a promise to love me forever and I to him. Even though I ended the relationship I know that I will always love him. I am not IN LOVE with him but I do love him. He is the father of my son, a child that was made in love no matter what else happened in our relationship.

I do think about the "what if...?'s" but like you guys.. I realize that we are better off apart.

NO one needs a man. You need food you need water you need air. That is all you need everything else is a luxary. But alone can be a wonderful thing and a horrible thing. Sounds to me like you just need a social life you don't need a man to have that their are single parents like you that just like to have a cup of coffee at the local resturant. Sounds to me like you just need someone to hangout with so your spirit doesn't get lonely.

I was 33 when I got married I waited till I found a man that was perfect for me. I did then he left I was devistated after a year and a half he said he wanted to come back then he left again so I finally started dating. But my spirit still misses him. Don't know if I will ever get over finding the right man and then losing him But I did stop feeling lonely you will too. Just try getting over this feeling before you start dateing because then you are just rebounding. Try to find some friends to do stuff with that is why I am ok I have 4 good girlfriends I have when I need to talk they are there to listen sometimes that is all I need is to just feel like I have someone else to talk to then just my children. They are great but conversation with them is not always stimulating.

The loneliest I have ever been was with a man I had given my heart ,soul,and body to. he was there but only in body,after 25years of coming and going never knowing will he be their when I get home or not , but it never entered my mind until he wasn,t , chin up, loneinessis like gas it to will pass.