Recently separated. Since he left I've been loading up on projects, fixing stuff around the house, painting, pulling up carpet, etc. and changing my makeup, hair, etc. The kids are supportive (ages 14, and 18) and working on improvements to their rooms too. Not only does this stuff need to be done, but I think this is one way I'm dealing with the separation, even though it's the best thing I could have done. I haven't cried (everyone's waiting for me to), but I'm not sad (yet?). We were married 20 years, 10 happy years and then slowly down from there.

Any ideas on what I'm going to do next? Are their steps people go through like after a death? I surprise myself with all the things I can do with my new found freedom. But I never know what's next....

CMK,
Congratulations on all the good changes you are making in your life! I am so very happy you children are being supportive and helping. I did the same thing! While I did not stay in the "marriage home", I rented a house from a friend. It is in the greatest neighborhood! The best school around here for my daughter and 5 minutes from work. My friend allowed me to do anything to the house short of knocking down walls. There was much to do as well!
After all the "redecorating" of our home and myself (I lost 60 lbs and changed my look. I am a hair designer and the salon was an easy avenue for that), yes there was a "mourning" period. Not for my ex but for my marriage and the promise I made to myself more than him(marriage vows). My new life, while full of ongoing stresses, is great! I do not have to "answer" to anyone else and make my own choices, good or bad. There are struggles but they make me stronger.
As for dating .. whoa! I was in a serious relationship for about a year. He wanted children ... I have one and did not(and can not) start over there. However we are great friends. Since then .. I have been concentrating on me and mine.
Good luck! You have found a great place to come to vent, laugh, ask, answer, and offer your own advice. I will be looking for you.
Carla

In 4 more months my husband and I will have been separated for 2 years.

I remember feeling reliefed that he left. Then sad that he didn't love me or want to work things out. Then anger. I cryed a few times at first only cause it just wasn't the life I wanted. It was hard being alone and taking care of everything while he did whatever. But for the most part I just feel angry. Sometimes I feel nothing. I just can't wait to be divorced. I don't love him. He's caused me nothing but heart ache. I wish it never came to this. I never dreamed it to be. But I see a much better life ahead.

I also did some remodeling in my house. I love doing it! It definately kept me busy.

Hi cmk,
Congratulations on moving on.I don't think that you need to cry, but if you want to then that's OK! A marriage break up is a big thing and it's ok to be upset, it's no good holding everything in, let it out and release any anger or hurt you may be feeling. I have found that I usually only cry when I tell someone new of my seperation and what led up to it. Though I told someone today about my breakup and I didn't get upset at all, maybe I'm healing? I have found that I've gained so much confidence since being single (it's been nearly 10 months now) My ex was a very negative person, he had a bad/short temper and this made me scared to speak up half the time, I thought it was better just to keep the peace, so often I would miss out on a lot of things.In the end though I just taking the kids and going out to places by myself, If he didn't want to come, then stuff him, I would just go by myself, no more missing out. I have been changing alot of things that I have simply just put up with in the past, I Joined a gym in January '04, I've got a twelve month membership, I'm also doing a weight loss programme( new eating plan) I've got a personal trainer( no slacking off).I went on a big shopping spree and revamped my wardrobe, I've thrown out all of my "married women's" clothes and have purchased some "single women's" clothes.I've changed my hair style and for christmas I bought myself some new make up, body creams, luxury shower and bath lotions, and I also bought some new perfume.I also joined the local church, who have a singles ministry and sole parents support group( we go out on regular outings and also have regular meals at the church( no more sitting at home by myself). I have also been throwing out alot of junk that I have accumilated over the last 12yrs( that's a lot of junk) Still more to go when I find some time to throw it out. LIFE IS GOOD!! I'm renting at the moment so I can't do anything drastic to the interior, but hopefully one day I will have my own home.That is a major dream of mine, I've got so many ideas for decorating my home.All in good time though.

Hey! My first advice to you would be to avoid dating for at least a year to give yourself time to heal completely and not repeat mistakes. THEN, I would get a book or two on dealing with grief because it is a PROCESS and applies to divorce just as much as death. In some ways, I believe death is easier because it is final. Divorce will stare you in the face from time to time over the years. Then, I would get the book "Co-Dependent No More" (can't remember the name of the author). My counselor made me read it, and even if you're not co-dependent in the least bit, it will help your self confidence. Then lastly but not least, you may want to find a church that offers "grief" groups. There is a safe way to learn what feelings are normal and share your feelings with people who can relate to how you feel. Churches with active singles' groups are great too because they give you an outlet. The only bad part about being a single parent is trying to find other people to talk to! The rest is not so bad!!!

Good luck!

quote:

Originally posted by cmk:
[qb]Recently separated. Since he left I've been loading up on projects, fixing stuff around the house, painting, pulling up carpet, etc. and changing my makeup, hair, etc. The kids are supportive (ages 14, and 18) and working on improvements to their rooms too. Not only does this stuff need to be done, but I think this is one way I'm dealing with the separation, even though it's the best thing I could have done. I haven't cried (everyone's waiting for me to), but I'm not sad (yet?). We were married 20 years, 10 happy years and then slowly down from there.

Any ideas on what I'm going to do next? Are their steps people go through like after a death? I surprise myself with all the things I can do with my new found freedom. But I never know what's next....[/qb]

I know I am alittle late here in responding.
But I had to tell you, it's a good thing what you are doing. You will have your cry times. I too was married 12yrs, and 2 kids.
After we separated, I felt a sense of freedom within. I did cry, but only because I was afraid of being alone to raise 2 kids.
But we made it. One is in college now and the other is 15 and her life is going real good.
Only bad thing now, after 11 yrs of being divorced the ex wants to see her. She has't seen him since she is 4 , doesnt want too, and not only that, I never told him I moved. Im living overseas now. About to marry a wonderful man who loves my kids as his own. And hopefully the ex doesnt come along and spoil it all.
But you keep your head up.Keep going strong.
Do what you have always wanted to do with your life. That is the mistake I made when I was married. I left friends, family and fun stuff behind. Now I regret it, but I am still young enough (for now..lol) to make up for lost things..
Good luck and keep me posted...