I'm new to the board and I'm finding a lot of encouragement and strength from everyone and I just wanted to say thanks because this is currently one of the most depressing times of my life when it should be a happy time.

I am about to be a single-mother again here pretty soon. I have 3 children from 2 previous relationships (2 from first marriage and 1 from a serious relationship). I got married back in Oct 05, and not long after became pregnant with child # 4. I am due mid July My hubby has a 5 yr old daughter from a previous relationship and only has joint conservatorship (they live close by). I'll try to keep this short cus there is history, but my hubby was abusive to me--physically, emotionally and verbally. And all the time I was pregnant, funny how he only became abusive once we got married--started in Nov 05. In any event, he gave me a black eye mid Jan and he moved out, and then on and off again with the promise of getting help (counseling marital, and anger management), we could try and work things out. Would it be a suprise if I said, none of that happened. But I hoped and hoped he would. In any event during one of those times that we were arguing, I filed for divorce on my own following a book because I have no money. I sent him the documents--I even tried to set up a meeting with him so that we could hash some of the stuff out so that the divorce would be cut and dry--stood me up (friends and drinking were more important). In any event, after suggesting that he get legal assistance if he thinks I'm jerking him on the paperwork (even offered to give him the book I was reading from), he finally went and did it (good for him).

To try to make a long story short, one day were were talking and he said that he wanted full custody--my other children are boys, 7, 5, and 1. There father's are not involved, but are ordered to pay child support which is impossible to receive. So when I heard that I freaked out because this guy is not a good father, he's had a DUI, warrants out for his arrest, is abusive and apparantly in a convo with his ex-he was with her too. He doesn't do much for his daughter only for show and tell. In any event when I heard this--oh and he said that women can't raise men. I first said that he doesn't have custody of his daughter and he said that girls belong with their mothers. The boys are all I have and have been through a lot, so I said that you might want to get a paternity test because I cheated on you and the child might not be yours. Please note and I know none of you know me, I have never cheated or had any inclination too--I only said it to get him off the full custody issue because there is no way I'd agree to that and I felt threatened because my ex-husband said the same things and until the judge signed the decree I thought he would get them. I know deep down inside I am a good parent, everything I do is for them, but I feel so inadequate with the things that he says and does. To end the story (novel). Since I said that, he's convinced that the child isn't his and I did cheat. It's too late to do a prenatal paternity test so we have to wait it out, but I've asked for him to forgive me as I said it out of anger, but he said he won't. He also said he's not signing any paperwork until the test comes back. Can he hold any of this against me in court? I would like for him to get supervised visitation first and go to parenting classes and anger management. He's about to be kicked out of the service and he blames me, we work 50 feet from each other and he doesn't look at me or even ask how the baby is doing or anything. It hurts so badly right now, but I want to do what's right for my child. He's apparantly filing for divorce once the child is born and finds out it's his (and it will be a huge burden off of my shoulders). I can't afford a lawyer but I want to make sure that he only gets visitation and since he doesn't want to be involved at all, I don't want to allow him access to the child until he gets the paternity test (even though it's his), but if he's doubtful I don't want that attitude around my son until the results. I feel so alone and abandoned because he has promised to help me around the house and stuff and he's never there--always drinking and clubbing.

I took photos of my black eye--not the best and there was a case filed (military), but they didn't get a statement from me so they found him not guilty. I want to be fair, but also he's put me through some unecessary ups and downs and I've done this alone. What are my chances of getting full custody where I don't have to report every move or decision (legal) through him because I know he'll disagree with everything just to be vindictive. He also said that since the baby gets up a lot, that I could have him the first year and then he'll take him and I'd have access to him whenever I wanted, but I want him to grow up with his older 3 brothers in our home. Am I wrong?

So he wants full custody but not until the child is sleeping through the night? I'd like to be in the room when he tells the judge that.

I don't know for sure what your chances are/are not, but it doesn't sound like he's got a lot to stand on.

quote:

Originally posted by SueP:
[qb] So he wants full custody but not until the child is sleeping through the night? I'd like to be in the room when he tells the judge that.

I don't know for sure what your chances are/are not, but it doesn't sound like he's got a lot to stand on. [/qb]

Thanks SueP, I keep telling myself and of course praying that things will work in my favor, but this guy is so unpredictable, it's scary.

Why didn't the MP's get a statement from you about the black eye? What kept you from going through with the charges? That would have been your biggest help in this case.

Are you military also, or civilian dependant?

JAG will not help him with a divorce, so he'd be on his own to hire an attorney. Your best bet would be to go apply for legal aid and file for divorce on your own before the child is born and get everything you've said here into writing for grounds for the divorce.

Do other people, friends, family members, etc, know about his abuse? Can you get any of them to write affidavits to that fact and have them notarized? Any local bank would have a notary you could use - or the JAG office on post. Those would help to prove your case as well.

As far as you telling him you cheated, I'm sure if you explain to the judge that you were just afraid of him because of his past treatment of you so you said you'd cheated and the child might not be his to get him off your back the judge might understand. I don't know, I couldn't speak for the judge, but it seems reasonable.

Good luck to you. I hope you and your children come through this well.