I have a problem with my son's mother. She thinks that it's bad that I want to see him and share my life with him. She thinks I'm selfish and naive and that I only cause the little man harm. Soon after she got pregnant, she kicked me out of her life for no real reason. So, I decided to become a role model for my son and I went off and I became a United States Marine. Now I'm back in school trying to get my degree, my son is 8 months old, I volunteer my time for my local rescue squad and I've just started my own business. Basically, the run-down is this...when I ask to spend time with my son, she gets angry and feels I expect her to drop everything so I can see him, but when I'm supposed to wait for her to offer to let me see him, she gets angry that I haven't called and thinks I don't care. THen she claims that I don't spend any time with him because I have all these other obligations now--all of which I really only did because I was tired of waiting around/bothering her to see my son. I threatened to take her to court to get joint custody, but she said she'd go back and file for full custody and would fight to the death to make sure I had all my rights taken away. I love my son more than anything in the world and I only want the best for him. What should I do?

Hello, single mom of three young girls,
This is just looking at if from one mom's point of view. But I think she is scared..
Scared the child might bond more with you, scared that you might actually want joint custody, and then yourself try to go after sole custody. Which is hard for either party to get.. and as far as taking the rights away from parents that is even harder... You have to be able to prove them to be either physically violent, very neglectfull, ect you get my point..
Imagin how you felt when she said she was going to try to take away your rights and then put female emotions behind it and thats probally what she is feeling + thinking...

Its true some parents shouldn't be able to see there children.. But it sounds like your sincere..

I would tell her that you don't want to take away the boy just spend time with him.. You realise she is doing a great job, you just want him to know who is father is... If possible even provide a situation where it is you, her, and him...Not to get back together or spend time with one another.. But so she can see you interact with him.. And see that he will still come running to mom to give hugs ect.. Then slowly after she is comfortable with that you can start having alone visits.
Don't get me wrong I'm not saying in any way you should be supervised..its not about that.
Sometiimes I think it takes adults in broken families longer to adjust then the children.(lol)..
I know its alot to think about. but if your sons worth it to you and you don't want to go the battle route, then I would try to talk with the mom and really try to stay sensitive, and calm...
Good luck to you hope things work out it must be horrible to want to see your son and are a caring father and not be able to.
hope to talk w/you soon.

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Love should enhance your life...
Not control...
Or...
Define it...
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Well, unless you are doing something real bad, which it doesn't sound like at all, the courts would never grant her full custody with no visitation. With my situation, when we went to court, I did get custody and my sons dad got visitation rights, with the court telling us exactly when and how often and for how long the visits were. It really worked out for us because it set up a routine. If you want to see your son, I would calmly talk with her about what your options are and try to get something in writting. Then if she backs down from the agreement, you can go to court and have a document to show what was previously agreed upon. I would think that you would definately get visitation rights, because it sounds like you are a very responsible guy. So try your best, and do what's right. You are the daddy, so be there. Doesn't matter if she doesn't want you to see him because in the end, the baby will want to know who his dad is and thats you! Good luck, and email me if you want, kbuchanan*atb.com

hello,
sorry that this is going on. you really should think about all corner of what is going on in both your lives. what she or you have to use against eachother. do you have things like drugs or never see your child or help out that the court will look at. they are there for the best interest of your child. WRITE DOWN EVERYTHING not how you feel but everything on when you called her what she said. tape it if you need to. if you buy diapers keep the repceits! do things that can prove you are trying to seee you child, father your child,and protect your child. hope you take her to court for you arent going to get it any more easy if she has been like this from the get go. a father has just as much right to the child as she does. you just got to make it change sooner than later. you dont want your child to be in the middle of you too later when he can pick up the energy. good luck.

Thank you for all of your supportive feedback, but still I'm having some trouble...my son's mother and I sat down and talked for a good three or four hours the other night and we kind of came to an agreement/ultimatum. She wants me to sign my rights over to her so that she can proceed and continue to do what is best for our son. She wants me to do this because she's afraid that I am going to make a decision with her that I will ultimately turn right around and change my mind on her. I've done it in the past, I'll admit. When our child was first born, I was on active military duty and I came home and she begged me to consent to adoption. I said yes, but I later changed my mind because I felt that I--in the singular sense--felt that I could take care of and raise him myself, really without consideration of how this would affect my son's mother. Well, as it worked out she never ever gave me any kind of opportunity to raise him on my own, and she has been raising him all herself for the past 8 months. Thus is the reason why she doesn't trust me, and wants me to sign my rights over to her so that she can be independant of my interference to make the best decision for our son. She promises to allow me to see my son, and to teach him who I am--that I am his biological father--and that I will be allowed to come see him when our schedules permit, anytime for the rest of our lives--that is, assuming he wants to see me. She's an honest woman, and I have no reason not to believe that she would ever deny me of time to see my son, but my main concern lies with what would happen if something were to happen to her. Or, if she were to move away, or even come to believe that since she is/may now be starting her own family with another man, that she will feel that my presence would be detrimental to the relationship between him and his possible new stepfather. What do you all think?

I think signing your rights over to the mother is wrong, you are the dad, you want to be the father, she is being selfish, if you are not abusive, not completely selfish and want to be around you son, tell her to get lost in the nicest way possible, you are the boys father not some inconvenience, if you were not married she did not have to name you or gain your signature on adoption papers (correct me if I am wrong, I admit Amercan law is different)she chose to keep the boy rather than give him to you as first agreed....don't be manipulated, its your boy, retain your rights, you will still have to pay child support even if you do sign over you rights, what happens if your ex does pass away or get ill, does she mean to send the boy to her favourite person rather than let you gain him..why would she want do that!!! Unless she is protecting the boy from abuse and possible emotional abuse then she has no reason to insist or even ask, get a lawyer and get some visitiation set up so as to get to now and bond with your kid, she is trying to gain control soa s to give herself more freedom etc..if you sit back and take the easy option now and give in to her, you may spend the rest of your life regretting it. Ask yourself..have I let her down and put my training and career before getting to know my son, have I made excuses as to why I have not seen or bothered with the baby, do I forget to call each week and ask after the boy (showing that you care) is there a pattern she can rely on as to when you see the baby or do you just turn up or remember you have a child and ring when it suits you...if the answers are lots of Yes's to the latter questions then you are being unfair to a young mum who is struggling to establish a routine and relationship with her new baby, you are being selfish and very unsupportive, even if you do justify your actions to yourself (which seems so in your post)be careful you do not reap the wrath of an exhasted mother in a few months...my advice would be ..become reliable, grow up quickly and put your son first..show her you care about your son and want to be there, gain her trust and I am sure she will relax a bit and stop protecting the little man as much...if you don't you will encounter the protective parent who does not want her child to be let down or hurt...thats a hard boundary to cross onces its established...step up to the plate young man...do you want to be there for your son....then do soemthing about it, she is having sleepless nights and a crying teething child 24/7 and all the worrys of new motherhood, she has an excuse for being unreasonable and picky (we all do that when we are overwhelmed and tired) whats your excuse....Good luck in your choices

Caley, I think you're very right about much of what you said in your post. I haven't been entirely selfish and unsupportive, but I haven't exactly been entirely unselfish and 100% supportive. It's just very frustrating and difficult to be totally reliable and dependable when I cannot rely on my son's mother to return a phone call ever, or even reply to a quick email. There have been times in the past when she's called me to come visit our son, but never called back to say when or where and ignored any of my following phone calls for further information. There was another time when we planned days in advance for me to see him, but she called up 15 minutes before I was scheduled to come over to say that she decided to leave him with her current boyfriend's parents--people my son isn't even related to receive priveledge over my rights! I think that neither of us can honestly state that we're the most mature individuals, nor are we magnanimous in knowing what is right for our child. How do we best figure out what is best before I make a possibly huge mistake and sign over all my rights to make ANY decisions?

I am in the opposite situation and I would never try and keep my child from her father, but being a mother who only allows limited visitation right now I can kind of understand the mothers perspective. I may get attacked but I am just telling my situation. My daughter is a little older than your son (19 months). I am not in anyway trying to keep her from him but rather waiting for a time when she is better prepared to handle long periods of time away from home. Assuming that she is a good mother,(if not than you can ignore this post), she is just trying to do what is best for her child. Children at your sons age, need stability, rituals, and schedules. These things give them there since of saftey and security. Alot of people think I am being ugly to my ex but I am not. I'm just doing what is best for my daughter. My daughter is not used to being away from her home or me for long periods of time. She has a set schedule and the littlest thing will set us back. In the past my ex mother in law changing her daiper made her cry for a week everytime I changed her, and even now with only 2-4 hours visits a month she comes home and will not talk, laugh, or smile for the rest of the day. This is so hard on me to see her so uncomfortable. She loves her daddy but the stress of being somewhere besides home is hard on her. You definatly should have a relationship with you son but the best thing for you and the mother to do is sit down and talk about what is best for him. The older he gets the easier it will get. Whatever you and her decide I wouldn't throw your son into a drastic change. I would gradually work up to what you are wanting. She says that she will always let you be a part of his life and you said she was honest so I would just continue to work with her. If you try and do something to undermine her as his mother or give her the feeling that you aren't willing to speak with her but rather battle it in court, things will probably just get worse. You will have your court order visitation but your son will be in a family with striff and fighting and I don't think that is what you want for him. Again this is assuming that you feel she is trying to do what is best for him. If she isn't then I'm not sure what to tell you. I assure you though the courts are very father friendly unless you have a legal record of things that could harm the child, DWI,child abuse,drug use. If those don't apply you are assured visitation with you son. I wouldn't sign over my rights. Once this is done there is no going back. I'm sorry if I've gone on I am just very lucky that the father of my daughter understands the things I have told you, and we are able to work out any differences we have for the sake of our daughter.

I pray that your situation gets better and I am sorry if I offended anyone.

Actually, it's funny that you should write all that...we recently sat down last week and talked for a good 3 hours on the subject, and finally at long last we see eye-to-eye. We both want to do what is right and best for our son, which was obviously the predetermining factor in deciding how we should proceed. So, to make a long story short, I get to see my son, he gets to live a happy stable life at his mom's house, and his mom gets to rest assured knowing that his dad is going to do everything possible to make his son's life the best it can possibly be. Hurray! I love happy endings.

oooh the lovely mind games that women can play...particuarly the single mommys! L

i feel maybe she is scared you will take her child away and he will love you more. she may feel that he won't love her anymore.

it's a real tuff thing to deal with. my advice is to stop cornering her and threating her with custody. i know my ex tried that with my son when he was 2yrs old and there is nothing worse than threanting a mama bear with her cub. i said some terrible things to him and he backed off and never brought it to court. mind you i had no problem with him seeing him and spending time with him but i had issues with him trying to take my baby away. maybe this is her problem and that is why she gets mean and nasty.

dont forget there maybe some feeling for you in her heart that she is dealing with. i know i hated my ex but yet is hurt everytime is saw him. i did not want him to know so i was nasty to him. keep that in mind when you think she is trying to hurt you...in her mind you hurt her by not staying with (possibly)

just relax and keep seeing your son...she will get used to this whole new thing as well as you will and by add anger and threats to the situation it will only make it worse.

good luck

smvt

Jourdan...good for you young man..I am glad you found the wisdom to negotiate with her..your child is very lucky to have 2 parents that can put their needs and wants aside so as to work out what is best for baby..enjoy your baby and if the time comes for renegotiating..rememebr deap breath first..react later...good luck