The mother of my child and I have been having relationship problems for a long time now. Sometimes we both think that we are only together because of our son.
Well, just recently she said the dreaded words "I think we should take a break, see other people." I never thought in a million years that those words would come out of her mouth. It�s been very hard trying to raise a family, go to school, work, and maintain the same relationship we once had together. Our relationship has been a roller coaster ever since we�ve moved in together 3yrs ago. After our son was born I was on cloud nine everything was right in the world. But being a stay at home mother, a young stay at home mother has been very rough for her. We never have been apart and we both LOVE our 2yr old baby boy with all of our hearts. Well just recently we decided to live separately to maybe save some money and allow her to work and maybe go to school. Well the plan seems to have backfired. She now has freedom and friends that have been absent for the last 3yrs. I just learned that she thinks she has feelings for someone else. Its only been 2-months since weve been apart. We've been together for 5 years now! She dropped the bomb today on our 5th year anniversary. I don�t know what to do! This changes everything. I keep beating myself up for allowing her and my son to live 3hrs away. I�ve never felt emptiness like I have felt for the last 2 months living without them. I�ve tried to keep my self distracted and have been doing a good job until today. As much as I don�t want my son to have separated parents, all signs are pointing that way. Like I said I don�t know what to do. I had our whole lives planned out, now if we are not meant to be what do I/we do? I still have 1year left at school which I have no plans on postponing. Do I limit my job options by finding a job near my son or do I get a job somewhere else and take him with me? I know that sounds selfish but I can�t imagine my life without him. Do I fight for custody now or later when I have a job? I don�t know what to do.

Frank

We there some signs before........a small hint there and here. Maybe she saw you were busy working and schooling while she was still at home most of the time? Coz I think the best options is for you to talk to her again, find a job near your son so you can be near the two of them. It might give u a chance to talk to her again and understand one another again. USIKUFE MOYO. A kiswahili word meaning dont lose hope.

Hi Frank, welcome to the site.
When you are done with school and looking for work, then you can take a better look at where the work is I think. That also gives you more time to see exactly where your relationship has gone in the meantime. Generally I wouldn't suggest actually purposely trying to find work further away. If you can find it closer to your son, I think it would be better. That way regardless of who has custody, the other parent is more easily able to remain a part of your son's life. You already know what just 3 hrs distance means in terms of seeing him.
Meanwhile, keep your head up and finish school and do what you can to remain fairly regular in your son's life.
Good luck.

Hi, Frank and welcome.As Dads we are very active here.


Regards,

Mark

The biggest reason my Ex and I aren't together today, and we live within 10 minutes of each other, is the fact that he didn't have time for me. He made time for my daughter more than me and that is only just now getting to be adequate. How focused on being a parent are you? What about her? How important is her happiness to you. I heard a lot about your son and you, but it sounds like you probably are beyond love with her. Just a thought.

As far as your son, I'd try to be close to them, but not ensue a battle. He needs both of his parents as he has had from the start. Is it fair to say he can't have the both of you even in separate homes?

Sometimes things just don't work out the way we want them to. It is a fact of life that things change. Perhaps there was something that wasn't fulfilling in the relationship for her. Before she said you 2 needed a break, did you ever talk to her about the relationship and where you saw it heading?

As far as your son goes, I would suggest trying to stay active in his life. If you can get a job closer when you finish school, so much the better. I would say that if/when you go to court, I would suggest a compromise instead of all out war. If she has custody and you can't prove her unfit (no where in your story did it say you felt she was), you are only going to make yourself look bad if you try to take the baby from her.

Welcome to the site and good luck in what ever you decide to do.

Whatever happens between you and your son's mother, stay involved in both of their lives, especially your sons. He will need you and the better the two of you (baby mom) get along the better off your son will be. Take care of yourself and finish school, then take a look at where you plan on being in 5 years and what is best for all of you as a family.

not trying to take the mom's side but it is hard being young and being a mom. she probably feels like she is a single mom now because you are three hours away so you are not the one being with your son 24-7 its probably really hard for her to know what to do with her new found freedom and how to deal with her life. Its tempting to take on everything new and get rid of the old. I know because after three years of living with my boyfriend we no longer live together and he lives an hour and a half away. he comes up once a week and i feel like it takes a least two hours for us all to even feel comfortable with one another. many times i feel like he and i should take a break and find out if sometime in life we are going to be living with one another again and actually working on being a family again.

i realize that it is probably hard on you to not be around your son to and i am not trying to discount that for anything i am just trying to give you a possibility of why she is doign waht she is doing. It is awesome that you are so wanting to be in your sons life and that you care so much about him and i totally give you props for that. as far as your future career goes you have to do what is going to fit your life best. you have to weigh what is more important to you if having the job you want is the most important thing to you no matter where it is then you have to go with that BUT if being close to your son and not missing out on any part of his life is most important to you then you need to look for a job close to him. it sucks that you have to play out your life close to your ex but you have to realize that you are doing it to be near your son not to be near her. Try adn get along with her no matter what though because you will be more help to him if you do! Hopefully i did not ramble too much and that all made sense!

Frank G,

I'm in basically the same boat as you are. My son's mom and I met in August of 2000 and by March of 2001, barely 7 months later, she was pregnant. We struggled with our relationship and she decided to call it quits this past February, about 3 months after our son's 2nd birthday. I moved out in the hope that we'd work on things, but found out she went out the next weekend "guy hunting" with one of her friends. Long story short, she now has a super-serious boyfriend and is convinced they're going to spend the rest of their lives together. She's become very selfish and self-centered, but there is nothing I can do about it. It takes time, that's all I can say. While she was out guy-shopping, I spent the time becoming a better person and a better father and turned the focus from myself to my son. Technically, we share 50/50 custody. In reality, it's been about 60/40 or even 70/30 since we split up...the greater amounts of those two equations being the time our son is with me. She has "a different life now" (her own words) and all I can do is accept that and go forward. As hard as it is, for at least the time-being, and perhaps permanently, you need to let go. Find yourself first, I can't stress that enough. Nobody can make you happy but you. Spend as much time with your child as you can...the things you do and the memories you make will never be forgotten. My son will be three next month and I was dredding Halloween because my son's mom decided at the last minute she'd like Shawn w/her so she could go trick-or-treating with hew boyfriend and his kids. I told her I would stop by and he could see her for a little bit or perhaps we could all be adults and walk around the neighborhood. She refused and said she'd just see him the next day (yesterday). I took my son out and after he was in bed and I turned out the lights, I heard a tiny voice tell me "dad...can I tell you something?". I walked over to him and he whispered to me "thanks for taking me trick or treating." Priceless. Let your child's mom do what she is going to do...you just focus on you and your son. Good luck.

Hi and welcome, Frank G

Is there a reason you two were together, but never married in those 3 years?

Just curious.

From a woman's point of view, if we see the relationship at a stand still with no future or planning with action, we do tend to feel empty.

I agree with MafiaMan, your focus right now should be to your son and finding what path your lives will take now....

Good Luck to you...

Peace