As the months go on being single I'm begining to wonder how everyone else does it.

I'm 28 years old single father of two boys, Aidan 5 and Devin 2. It will be 6 and 3 very soon after new years. Their mom and I broke up in April but I let her stay here at the house until she could save her money and get her life in order and find herself a place to live. We decided that I would get 100% Physical Custody and we would share legal custoday 50/50. I was pushing for this "deal" and to sweeten it a bit I told her I would ask for no child support.

I make a decent salary and figured I coudl swing it. Considering all the stuff going on at the time I've forgiven myself the mistake of not doing the math properly but I'm still in a situation where I'm having family help financially and physically.

I let mom stay until the end of August and gave her a "2 month warning" to get her situation figured out. She kept telling me that she was gonig to get an apartment with a co-worker and blah blah blah blah blah. Just when she had no time left and I was going ti kick her out of the house she told me that she was moving to Arizona in two weeks to live with her sister.

She said she would fly back every month and fly the kids to Arizona for the weekend and then fly them back. Considering her financial situation I knew this would not happen.

She has been gone now for 2.5 months and has only called probably 6-8 times for about 15 minutes a call and is supposedly planning on coming back for a week in December.

She has a full time job in AZ now and got a cell phone (which last time I checked requires a contract) so things, to me, look like she is setting up shop in AZ perm.

Daycare costs me about $1,000/mo and I own my own home and have a late model vehicle.

I work about 61 miles away in Boston and have to commute every day now.

Thankfully my mom picks up my children from daycare and watches them from 5-7pm which is the time I usually get home. Some days I cook dinner, some days my mom does it for me. Depending on when I get home.


I guess I want to know if anyone else is in a similar situation?

Work full time, pay day care, have no support from the Mom and get no state aid. How do YOU do it? I'm barely making it here.

The thought of selling my house has crossed my mind. I could move closer to work (it is in a different state) and get an apartment but that is not the best situation for my kids. Honestly the best for htem is to probably keep doing what I'm doing. The problem for me I guess is having a life. I have none and I don't really have time for my hobbies anymore. Yeah boo hoo poor me but there has to be some happy middle-ground ...I'd like to go out every now and then and meet new people and be social...maybe make some beer which I'm pretty good at or go skiing.

Hey sadiskital, welcome to the forum.
Yeah it's tough, you are right. As they get older and into school you should be able to save on some of that daycare cost. It's good that you have your mom their to help you out, a good arguement for not moving if you ask me.
I also don't receive child support for my daughter, though I send support for another daughter(different mom) A support check would certainly help out, but I just make it happen without somehow. She's having braces put on next week as well so there's another nice monthly bill to pay. I'm a self employed contractor so I make a decent living, but I tell you the money always seems to find a way of going somewhere.

I do know exactly what you mean about the hobby time. I just try to find other at home hobbies to do instead, hanging out on here on occasions happens to be one of them, build some model cars, some wood projects, things like that. I miss making spur of the moment plans to go fishing with a buddy, things like that but at least in the end I know my daughter is being well taken care of so I get some personal satisfaction from that.

My daughter's mother is also not very involved so it's pretty rare that she goes with her for me to have some "me" time. Eh, maybe someday that'll change and I can have some time outside of parenting and working, but as I said, in the meantime I just get my satisfaction from just that.

Hang in there, find some at home hobbies for the meantime

sadistikal,

First of all, welcome to the site. I know how hard it is to be a single parent. My son's father doesn't have anything to do w/him by his own choice and I rarely have me time. It is hard to make all the ends meet, and I have really been struggling w/that lately. I would like to say that it gets easier, but I haven't seen that yet. I'm glad to see that you take responsibility for your children. I know it isn't easy, but seeing how much you love them is the most precious gift you could give them right now. Eventually you will be able to figure out a way to have more time for you. Selling your home and moving doesn't sound like the best solution for you since your mom is right there to help you.

I hope you stick around the site and use it for some adult interaction. I know it has helped me more than I can say. Good luck and I look forward to getting to know more about you and your kids!!!

Do you have physical custody by verbal agreement or did you go to court for it? I know you said you told the mother you wouldn't ask for support, but there's no law saying you can't ask for it now anyway. I understand it might "stir the pot" a little-she might fight for the kids after all, but if she's been gone now and you've been taking care of the kids, maybe there's a chance you could still have them. It sucks to struggle financially and nothing gets me more upset than parents who don't contribute. It has taken me 3 years of fighting with my ex to finally start seeing regular support payments but it was worth every minute. I don't get a lot, but every penny extra is a blessing.

Maybe you could talk to her about it?

Good Luck and welcome to the site. Lots of good advice and support here.

What do you do when the other parent doesn't want to work with you in trying to come up with some kind of aggrement as far as custody and visitation? We go to court on Friday and I don't want a judge to figure out what is the best situation for Hailey. We had to go to mediation and that hasn't worked because he's so set in his ways. Are there any suggestions or should I just let the judge figure it out?

haileys_mom521...I think it depends on what state you live in. For example in Vermont where I'm orginally from, they won't award joint custody unless both parents agree on it. Since I didn't agree to joint custody, they award full custody (legal and physical) to one parent. Naturally, since I'm not abusive or terrible they would award custody of my then 6 month old to me, the mother. As far as visitation went, I had a lawyer and it didn't really matter. I think they already have preconceived ideas on what a typical schedule should be, and of course it varies some from couple to couple...but the judge definitely saw to it that my son's father got as much time as he could. It's a terrible feeling to have to release power like that to a judge who knows nothing about your history or situation, but unfortunately it is just the way it goes. Just pray that he will do what's best for your child. Remain calm in court, refuse from name calling or finger pointing...you can provide statements about why you think it should be a certain way, or documented proof of some things, but all in all, there isn't a whole lot you can do. At least from my experience!

http://www.child-support-collections.com/child-support-laws.html

That link has some guidelines per state. It may help. Basically if an agreement can't be reached through mediation the judge would ultimately make a decision. That link shows different states and each state link shows "standard" for that state if agreements can't be reached. Perhaps it will give you an idea of what you might expect.

quote:

Originally posted by TinkerbellNC:
[qb] Do you have physical custody by verbal agreement or did you go to court for it?


Maybe you could talk to her about it?


Good Luck and welcome to the site. Lots of good advice and support here. [/qb]

Thanks for the response.

I went to court. So I have 100% physical and 50% legal through the courts. She has visitation every other weekend and 1 month in the summer and alternating holidays.

I have spoken to her a few times explaining that I do indeed need some financial support for the kids. She said she is going to try and send me $50/week. But the first response I got for a few weeks was "why don't you just change your tax deductions and nix your 401k". Kind of annoying.

She is a bright one isn't she? I would say that moving closer to your job might give you more time with her too! More importantly, if your ex is allowed to spend time with her she should be required to pay for some of her support costs. If she continues to not send the $50.00 (and you are being generous there) I would take it to the courts and have them garnish her salary (provided she has one). You seem to be the more responsible one, but you seem to need help and if making her become a little more responsible helps you out at the same time, well, all the better!

I have a had a court order for child support for over 4 years, every few months I have to go to court because he isn't paying. Every once in awhile a little money will come, I'm taking like 50 dollars 4 or 5 times a year. I've given up, I am not wasting my time on it any more. I have figured out how to live my income and if some money does show up, I use it for something fun for my son and I.
Would also like to say in most states visitations and child support are seperate. Therefore if you go to court to get child support and she says she wants the kids, then she is going to have to file seperatly. My sons dad threated to get my son more often, but in the end he was to lazy to go file.
Keep your heads up!!

Hi Sadistikal,
Hmmmm, thought you were being smart not asking for support, and got custody to boot. Well I guess you got what you wanted. So did she. Don is right....when your kids start school there will be less of a daycare bill, and you can enter your 3 year old in school at age 3 for a half a day of preschool. Moving away to an apartment would be a huge mistake. You would lose your tax deduction there and that far outways the money you would save on gas. Also you will lose the help of your mom which you and your kids need. Maybe you can find a job closer to your house and sell the car...get a used one with a lower payment. I did this a few years back and it helped. It also helped the car ins. bill. I agree with you 100% not to touch your 401k....but maybe stop your contribution until your kids are in school full time. It would at least keep growing. It's tough no doubt...I don't know what your debtload is but you can always look into a consolidation loan or even better a home equity loan to consolidate debt and that is another interest write off.

As far as the social life....one day a week. Make it happen. Get mom to keep them overnight. Maybe you can do like Don says and find a home hobbie. I personally play sports, so If I can make it there to play, it is a definite out. Some of the people I play soccer with bring their kids and some of the spouses watch their kids too while they play. You have to join something that maybe your kids can go to and also be seperated from you. The gym I belong to has a small day-care that is included in my monthly bill. When I went there I enjoyed two hours of working out,relaxing and swimming and talking to other people there, and my daughter enjoyed the playing time in the day-care. You have to look around...it's not going to jump out and say here I am....I feel for you. It isn't going to let up until they are a little older and even then its different problems. You have to find a way to cut corners and you also need to take a night out for you. It will make you an even better dad.

Hi Sadistikal,
You are still in a fairly new situation and I think you need to give yourself more time to adjust. I do understand needing some time for yourself I think we all do.
I am not always good at saying things the right way so please bare with me. I do not know your personal situation so I am going to give you the facts about something I do know about, Money! Realstate is one of the best investments you can make and so is a 401k or other investments. You do not want to touch them in fact you want to keep putting into them. If you dipp into either
one of them you will only hurt yourself in the long run. Cars credit cards and rent eat up your money faster than anything. Car loans and credit card debt are the worst debt you can have.
If you want to be more stable in finances you will need to find out exactly where your money is going. Coffee in the morning, donuts, soda's, etc. All these things bought in gas stations or quick marts add up. Most people spend $5.00 to $30.00 a day that they do not need to spend and could go to other things or retirement. Cutting expenses does not have to be painfull just rearanged. Buying in bulk and making meals ahaid of time, then freezing them will not only save you some money but will help on the nights you don't feel like cooking. Take a meal out in the morning and warm it up when you get home with the kids. Home made and not half the cost of buying prepared food or eating out. This does take some time to learn and some organization but if mastered will save a lot of frustration and money.
There is a book called "The Automatic Millionaire" By David Bach that explains money very well. It is not a get rich quick book, I promise. It is easy reading and a practical way of making it work for you. I have read a lot of money, and investment books and this is about the best one I have seen.
I would also like to let you know that I came from having nothing, nothing was ever handed to me.
On another note you may find that there is financial ade in your area. I know we have programs that help pay for daycare and school supplies etc. in our area. You may have the same. If you can not find anything in the phone book you may be able to call your local child services office and get a phone number to start with from them.
I wish you luck and hope to hear your situation is improving soon.

Hey there Sadistikal-I know when you get stressed out and have to adjust to changes, it seems like things won't work out. But there is a solution to every problem, and you are a smart guy with a good job and family support. Now, traveling 61 miles every day is a long way, it must be at least an hour each way? That time is valuable, if you have to move or change jobs then so be it- just weigh the pros and cons. As for hobbies, I know its hard. Sometimes I want to go hiking or something but its hard with my little one, my other kids keep up but she gets tired and I end up carrying her. Just do what you can to get out some time alone, if your family can help or maybe one of the teachers at the preschool does babysitting..try to stay optimistic and good luck to you!

Thanks for the responses. I think you are right..I'm in a transition phase still and need to just get the routine down and work on the financial stuff. This is actually turning out to be a good month.

My kids have been better behaved for me as well the last few days.

I applaud you. I think it is great that you are stepping up and being a responsible man. Are htere any financial courses offered in your area? I n my church we have a class I need to take advantage of called Crown Financial Ministries. I have been told that it has helped a lot of my close friends tremendously. People always tell you to make a budget but never tell you how to begin to set up a budget.

Good luck. See you around.