Hello. I have been reading your posts for a while now and have decided to give this a try. Here is my story. My husband passed away earlier this year with 6 of our own living children & (3 sent to the lord) 2 step children from his first marragae and 3 foster children. I guess it is fair to say I am getting a little overwhelmed with the holidays coming up. I know it is a part of griefe but I am starting to get really angry with him for dying. (Like he had a choice) I have delt with a lot of death in the past 6 years but never with out him. I know death is part of life. My church has been quite supportave and my brother-in-law, but his wife is getting tired of him coming down here to help me with things. He does'nt come every day but about once a month.
I'm not sure what I am looking for I guess may be someone who has been through something similar and reasure me that it will get better, or may be just some encouragement.
I think part of my anger is his ex-wife. It is suppose to be our year to have the step-kids and because he is not here she won't let me take them to his parents house for Christmas. They are still the kids grandparents and should have time with them.
Any ideas or thoughts are welcome.

Hi Ray,

My condolences. I'm offering support but I can't say I'm familiar with your situation because I'm not. Much respect for you. It takes a special lady to get through that. Maybe it's better for you to just leave things this year until your better able to cope with the extra stress.

I think the ex-wife is not being very christian here(boy, I'm being polite now) considering the grandparents have suffered a loss too.

I wish you well and hope Santa brings you peace and prosperity. A lot of people here pray for you. Good luck.

I completely agree with Jaydsdad. It is probably better to get some rest for the holidays and not worry about dealing with the stepchildren. Are you sure they want to come? Also, maybe you can kinda turn that over to the grandparents and let them work it out. Especially with you still grieving, you don't need the extra stress. A little less to deal with can't hurt at a time like this. I wouldn't feel to bad about asking your brother-in -law for a little help...once in a while is not that bad. It is still new for you and it is only natural to still not have it all down pat right now. Until you get used to it and more in routine of things, his wife will have to find a way to deal with it. If he didn't want to come and help you, he wouldn't. Let him deal with her. Don't worry in time, things will get easier. Just try to take it slow, one day at a time. Sorry to hear. ((((HUGS)))

My thoughts and prayers are with you. The best advice I can think of and it is what I usually turn to is tough situations is to turn to your friends. Don't be alone for the holidays. Let your friends comfort you. I think we are all stronger than we think and when we come through the other side of a very dark time we realize as much. Be strong and know there are people who care about you.

Thanks bunches for the imput. Jaydsdad your advice in on the money I am taking it easy this year. I am not going totally without Christmas I have to many kids for that. I don't want to give them the impression I am loosing faith, but I am taking it easy. I normally totally deck out the yard, house, cars, everything and I just don't have the energy this year.
Thank you for the hugs THINKER. Amazing how they are helpful. Yes the kids do want to come. They call me 2-3 times a week when their mom is not around. We are very close. They are 14 and 11 and they miss their brothers and sisters. What really gets me is that when Kevin died her and I made an agreement that I would hold up his obligations for child support and orthodonticts, but college was going to be hers in return she would allow normal visitations. I know I have no legal right to do anything so I guess I am going to have to talk to Grandma and Grandpa about them going to court so they can see their grandkids, how sad. I am also considering quiting the childsupport. Like jaydsdad said it is not very Christian of her to be this way but I can not change her. She never has liked my closeness with her kids and now she has the means to try and end it. You reap what you sew.

I would say to threaten her with a suspension of child support until she holds up her end of the bargain but how Christian would that be? My best friend always says you should never return evil for evil. I would sya however that the grandparents should be given their responsiblity. With everything on your plate you should not be fighting battles that are not yours. Love the kids and do what you can but know that you are just one woman and can only do what you can. The worst thing you can do is stress yourself out and become too tired or sick to be any good to the kids you still have with you.

You could always write the mother and kindly remind her of your deal, that way if she writes back you have documentation if you want to take it to court (heh, heh sneaky me).

As for being mad at your husband for dying, it IS ridiculous, and I do it all the time. My father died almost two years ago and I feel angry toward him occasionally. When it comes to death the word "reason" is not common. Don't feel bad about it though, if I remember right it is one of the steps in the grief process. Very normal to feel that way. You have a lot of support with me, you can always private message me if you ever need to.

Schoolmommy....you are a sneaky one

tomany2count,
The grandparents do have rights. At least in Michigan they do. Grandparents can fight for rights to see their grandkids, and when I asked a lawyer about this he said it usually falls during that parents visitational period. If you have that in writing then the grandparents should be able to enforce that....it might just take a letter to the mom from an attorney to get her to pay attention to her committment. I would also stop the child support as the kids should be getting social security now. She shouldn't be collecting both. Just a thought. Take care, and my door is also open anytime you feel the need.

I am sorry for your lose. You seem to be a very determined person and have many things to deal with. I am always reminded of the joke...

How does one eat an elephant...
One bit at a time...

You have an elephant to deal with, it is not going to go away, so take the time you need to grieve and there are five steps to grieving.

The support for his other children is extremely kind of you to offer and send. You may want to reconsider. Evil people go by and execute the theory that "no good deed goes unpunished."

You had made a great attempted to hold things together between the ex and your self for the kids sake, that is commendable of you. But thinker is right, "the kids should be getting social security now."

Unless the grandparents give you their "power of attorney" in dealing with this matter let them handle it.

It would be nice for the kids to stay in touch with each other, they are siblings, yours and hers. You may want to ask her to join you too, if she has not remarried.

Maybe the both of you giving support to each other will show the kids that the family is still united. But I don't know the relationship you two have, before or now.

But again, I am sorry for your lose and you and your will be in my prayers.

Robin

Hi guys thanks agian. Most of what I am hearing is that I need to let this go. It is out of my control. I have no legal rights to the step-kids and I know that. I will talk with their grandparents about visitation. Once granted I will be able to see the kids with them. The ex is receiving social security. At the time I made the deal social was to go into a college fund and child support was for now. Also at the time I could not handle loosing them too. I am starting to accept that I can not change things and if we all care for each other the way I think we do it won't be lost just rearanged for a while. They are getting older and more independent and will call or come over when they need to. They know I have an open door.
As for the ex well let's just say she can go fly a kite somewhere. We never did get along and I don't think it is going to happen now.
Thank you again. I really needed to sort my thoughts out.

You are a great woman Ray. Don't lose faith.

Thanks for the imput I think I knew what I needed to do I just needed to hear it from someone else. I told the ex that I was going to end child support at the end of this year and that if she did not allow Grandma and Grandpa to see the kids then they would do what they needed to do.(court) I did not need the confrontation but am glad it is over. I will take my kids over to see them on visitations, and take the money for child support and put it into an account for the step kids when they are older. I do not know what will happen with Christmas but Serenity, Serenity, Serenity!
Thanks again. Hope you all had a good Turkey Day!