I posted a question awhile back about how to raise a little girl. I got some great responses and advice. I have tried bonding with her one on one and talking with her about her feelings for her mother but it seems things are just getting worse. She misses her mother so much that she cant seem to find joy in family activities. We went to the halloween parade last night and baked cupcakes for school today but all she could think of was she wished her mom was here. I have spoken to her mother and she is more than happy to have her come live with her. Her mother can provide for her as well as I can financially but im starting to think she can do a better job at the emotional. My biggest concern is she has an older brother. He would stay with me. Am I being selfish in wanting her to stay with me. Keep in mind they would be living in another state. I am at such a loss right now i'm not sure what to do.

Hi baretaster,
I don't think your feelings are selfish. But that is a tough call.
I had a couple of opportunities to take Jayd legally (in hindsight, I wish I had) but all I could think was how hurt J would have been to be taken away from her little half-sister and her mom. I wanted to protect J but couldn't without hurting her. That decision was tough too.
I also think moms and dads can do an equally as good a job emotionally. It must be hard for you to see the longing in her eyes. I hope this helps and you find a happy solution. Best wishes.

Baretaster,
Hello, I just read your post and want to tell you that I respect the fact that you are feeling for your daughter and respect her feelings of missing her mother. I think that you should let her go. I don't know how many times we have heard in this forum how many moms write about boys missing their dads, and here it is a girl missing her mom. It is just great that you two parents are willing to work things out, some people don't have this option and have to deal with the sad and loneliness of missing the other parent. Sometimes kids know what they want and have different ways of communicating it. She doesn't want to hurt your feelings and make you feel like she loves her mom more, when she doesn't....she just misses her. That is a tough one...but if the mother is willing and able to be there for her...then I would definitely let her go. Sorry for you. Take care

Baretaster,
I am with Thinker on this one. You are such a wonderful dad to recognize your daughters pain and wanting to resolve it. I think you should let her go. If you still can't bring yourself to let her go, then at least work out a deal where she can maybe go live there over the summer or for a set amount of time. I don't know how custody is arranged with you and her mom, but it doesn't have to be an all or nothing kind of thing, especially because her mom is willing to work with you.

I wanted to thank everyone for their advise. My children and I have started seeing a councelor. He seems to feel that her problem lies with missing the family as a whole unit and her going to stay with her mother would not solve the problem but complicate things by seperating her from her brother therefore breaking the family up even further. She has definately made progress since we started counceling. For the time being she will stay with me and leave the option for going to her mother open. In the meantime they will spend holidays and summer break with their mother and more regular phone calls in between. Thanks again for you advise. shawn

Hey, baretaster! Sorry this has been so difficult for you. I can only imagine the pain it must cause you to be torn w/the decision. I think it is great that you took the initiative to start counseling. That will be a big help. I can't imagine how terribly tough that would be, and don't have to think about it, thankfully! My son wants a father, but doesn't know his from a guy walking down the street. That makes me sad, but glad I don't have these issues. I also think it is fantastic that mom is going to work w/you in making your daughter feel more secure. Good luck to you and your kids. I think you will all be just fine!

Hi baretaster. I just wanted to tell you how respectable it is for you to think about EVERYONE's emotions and not just yours. I wish my kids' father was like that. (I have two boys, 11 & 6). Honestly, I personally could care less if I never saw their father again (not in a mean way), however, I feel so bad for the kids that I wish he was involved in their lives. He only lives 20 miles away from us but calls maybe 3 or 4 times a year. I think it is really starting to affect my 11 yr. old, now that he's getting older and realizing a lot of stuff.

The point is, I'm glad to see that you AND your child's mom are both willing to do what is best for your child. Good luck and I'm sure counseling will help your family.

Being a parent is about doing the right thing for your child no matter what it means to YOU. That is your job. If your child wants her mother, then that is what has to happen! It hurts so much for all involved but you could visit her where she is going to be moving. Just do what is right for your child and everything is going to be just fine.

quote:

Originally posted by baretaster:
[qb] I posted a question awhile back about how to raise a little girl. I got some great responses and advice. I have tried bonding with her one on one and talking with her about her feelings for her mother but it seems things are just getting worse. She misses her mother so much that she cant seem to find joy in family activities. We went to the halloween parade last night and baked cupcakes for school today but all she could think of was she wished her mom was here. I have spoken to her mother and she is more than happy to have her come live with her. Her mother can provide for her as well as I can financially but im starting to think she can do a better job at the emotional. My biggest concern is she has an older brother. He would stay with me. Am I being selfish in wanting her to stay with me. Keep in mind they would be living in another state. I am at such a loss right now i'm not sure what to do. [/qb]

I also say, Good on You. Many people are too wrapped up in spite that they have no regard for the little guys who are hurting through all of this, also. I think you will make the right decision because it sounds like you are a smart guy. My son misses his dad, lots...I can understand your position. Sounds like you and mom are capable of working something out, too, and that is good. Good luck with this heart wrenching decision.

baretaster, Your children are lucky to have a father and mother that care enough about them to take the time to find out what the issue is and work together to resolve it. There are a lot of children out there that do not have that in their life.

Baretaster, I would like to post a comment from a different angle: instead of encouraging you to send your daughter to her mom's... I think you should gauge what is best for you and her personally. I have two boys, 10 and 7, who miss their dad like crazy. We have been in a custody battle for quite some time, and I have been standing my ground. While I realize that boys need their dads, their father moved an hour away and wants to uproot them to another school and town. Over the past two years there has been a lot of instability and changes in thier life and my goal has been to provide stability and continuity.
While I know that their father loves them, he also works a lot and if he had custody, they would be spending time with his mom or his sister while he worked.
So, boys or girls, you have to work out what is best for you and your little girl. Keeping her with her brother, in her school, in her STATE, might be more healthy for her than sending her off to mom's. Her pain may be more over the divorce than just over missing mom also.
The counseling step was very good. I admire the effort you are putting into being there for her. I also have a play therapist who spends time with my boys and with me. Together we are working out the issues. I facilitate contact with their dad, and he usually takes advantage of the opportunity, but I am providing their stability and foundation and he is incapable of doing that to the degree that I can. So, maybe when they are older they will go stay with him, but for now, I am doing what I believe is best for them.
I support you keeping your daughter but responding to her needs to the best of your ability.
Just my two cents!

Its interesting. I have 3 kids, and the oldest is my only boy. He is 10, and I have joint custody with Dad (although he've never got along). For the past 2 years, I've felt my son shifting towards his father, and I'm bracing myself for the day he tells me he wants to live with him. It would be selfish of me to stand in his way. I think that a lot depends on how old the kids are at the time fo the decision, how long you've been split up, and how strong the relationship is between you and your child. From the moment they are born, it's not about us anymore. There was a moment when I realized it doesn't really matter if your children love you or not...you're job is to raise them to be self-loving, capable, happy people and that's it. Love might just be a bonus, and friendship doesn't always happen, especially if you are the oposite *** as your child.

I think anyone writing to this board for thoughts is to be commended. It means you are open to the ideas of others, and that you are taking the time to sort through the feelings.

...and a big welcome to you shroomie!

Your words are kind. Thank you. You're gonna fit right in here. Be sure to stop by the fun lounge and the Canadian Roll Call so we can all get to know you.

See ya around.