After being single for seven years, I met a man who seemed so right. After three years together, baby on the way...he doesn't love me anymore. I suffer from depression (have for lots of years due to murder or best friend and rape of myself) and he knew it from the beginning. When we found out I was pregnant, the doctors took me off medicines and it went down hill from there. Now, I have a three bedroom trailer in the middle of nowhere, transportation, and and seven months pregnant with my first child...a little boy. My emotions are so off the chart. Since I am in my third trimester, the doctors have put me back on medicines, I am seeing a counsler, trying to do things right but I find myself feeling cheated. I've always thought that a child deserves a family unit...both parents in the home. I am still madly in love with the babies father, trust me I've tried to hate him for what he is doing but when my child moves around all I can think is that I failed and will fail at being a single mother. He is paying support since I am unemployed. He is rather well off (making 100k + yearly). He will be a good financial provider for my son, but the most important thing to me is a father figure for him. I know that have alot to be thankful for, I still am so focused on what a mess I've created for myself and my child. I suppose why I am here is I feel very alone in this big world and could use to connect with anyone who understand and/or has advice.

You haven't failed! He's failed that child and you but you haven't failed! And you can't go saying that you'll fail as a mother, because God only knows I felt the same and here I am with two healthy, beautiful children.

SFV is a wonderful place to come and find understanding. Nearly all of us here have been there when our loved ones have left us to parent alone. It is a very unkind feeling to the heart. Just know that your baby boy is going to be fine with the family you give him. Yes, most of us agree that a two parent household would be preferred, but children don't know that. My daughter honestly looked at me once and asked why one of the girls at school lived with BOTH her parents. She didn't know anyone that did before that. Children accept unconditionally the life they are given. If you give the child your love and make a home for him, he will be just fine.

Try to spend this time resting up, preparing his room, picking out names if you haven't decided, and caring for you. This is the time you need to pamper yourself, perhaps it will help mend your heart slowly. It is so very hard. It took me 6 years to get over my daughter's father. I had a child with another during that time with a man I didn't love and still wasn't over my first ex.

I just hope you understand that what you are feeling is natural. I too suffer from depression and was on medication and doing therapy until I was put on bed rest with my son. You are doing the right things, keep it up! I for one am proud of you!

Thanks for the kind words. I tend to drive myself crazy going for days without seeing/talking to anyone. The only person who I do see is the baby's father when he brings me money. That makes it worse....cause I an so independant normally and right now my whole exsistance is dependant on his support. I started today looking for childcare once I can start back to work. Baby's room is all ready, bought everything months aqo, I just moved in to this trailer and do not know any of my neighbors. Really, I have no family are friends anywhere close. Everyone is in FL and even there I have isolated myself over the last few years from the depression that even in FL I really don't have any suuport options. That fear of doing this alone is terrifying. My mother and brother both say I am to unstable to do this. My counsler says to limit my contact (what little phone there is) with them since their input is only to make me feel worse. I am not afraid of loving my child but I am afraid of what happens the next time I get severly depressed. Happens about twice a year even with medication atleast that has been the case for the last few years. Never knowing how bad it will get or how long it will last scares me for my ability to be a good mother. I'll stop now, Way too long, but your thoughts do help. Thanks.

Never think your posts are too long. Keep going until you feel better, your fingers are dead tired, or you just don't want to write no more.
It is best to surround yourself with people who support you and do not make you feel bad but I know that is easier said than done. I too isolate myself. I have lived in the same house for 1 1/2 years and have said maybe 3 words to my neighbors. Previous house same thing. I am just not an outgoing person who will approach someone I don't know. Maybe its a rejection thing for me, thats why I like online.
Is there a hobby you have or want to start up? Trying to find something in the community could help you. Also after baby comes you could try a mommy and me class or something like that.

Dyanna,
I do agree that you need to have at least one person that you can tell when you start to feel like you're isolating yourself down for a real spell of depression. We know when it's coming on at my house because I stop answering my phone or if I do I barely talk, I don't go online much, and I can barely pull out of bed. The good news is that the birth of your baby should bring you up not down. You will do fine raising him. I had never held a newborn before my daughter and now I have an honor roll student who is sprouting up like a beanstalk. God doesn't give us more than we can handle, so you must be ready whether you know it or not.

So many times those of us that fight depression don't realize what strength we really have. Stop listening to the voices that say you can't....remember the ones that used to say you could do anything?

I can only tell you that once your baby boy is born your emotions are all going to change, you are not going to feel lonely anymore, you are going to find the strength to pull your self up, dedicate your time to that.
You can only find guidelines and support here, I 've been a single dad for almost 4 years and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world, I just had my first Chuck & Cheese outing with a mom and a classmate of my daughters and I came out like a pro...lol
Good luck to you
Adrian

I am going to sound weird but a child needs only a strong put together mother and you will be that for your little one. Have you thought of asking for help? Maybe there are programs you could qualify for. You do not need to hate your ex in order for you to be a better person. Keep in mind that a person's loss is someone else's gain. You have a wonderful and exciting life ahead of you,(enjoying your son, watching him play, smile, talk, fall on his butt and get up like nothing happened) believe me all your grief will be compensated with joy once you have your little one in your arms. It takes a while to have things sink in but be strong and relax. The family unit your child needs is YOU!!! you need to provide with that happy, stable, healthy home your child needs. You and only You. Good luck and please take care of yourself.