I need major advice. My daughter's step mother oversteps major boundries. my daughter father has refuse to communicate with me for the past 8 months and leave all communication up with his wife. She is very rude with her words and has told me via text and e-mail that my daughter was "her child and its her family now and I need to accept that when i grow up and become a parent" and to not call her husband. I have asked several time for her to stop communicating with me and my daughters father has doen nothing about it he continues to let her harass me either via text message phone message or e-mail. However this women can try to communicate with me she does. My daughter is in joint 50/50 custody arrangement and has been since I left in 2003. She is 7 now. Her father and I had no communuication issues until he started dating this girl. I raised my daughter with out his help for over 2 years.We had done everything 50/50 and it was all a verbal aggreement. For the last 2 years and since they got married in April of this year his wife has ruined the communcation and he no longer communicates with me. Once he started dating her he would take his daughter on a regular basis. his wife now has a 7 month old and does not work and when my daughter is over there her father is always working. So his wife is taking care of my daughter. i need advice on how to handle all of this. I have retained a lawyer to get the custody situation under control. I need advice as to expect. I also would liek soem advice as to what is normal in joint parenting. What are the things I need to understand I can't control so I can get peace of mind in my head. Please help Sorry for the ramblign I can't focus.

Good that you have a lawyer set up. Use the lawyer, go to court, and ask that your ex step up and handle all communications on their end, that she is harrassing you. Keep a journal of all this stuff in the meantime. It's nice when everyone can be civil enough to communicate and get along, but when that can't happen, and it's a "step" parent.....they can just keep it to themselves.

I don't have much advice, but I'm glad to hear you've retained a lawyer. It is so important to have this done through the courts especially w/ the stepmoms comment that she is her daughter now! I'm also in MD, but I have sole custody of my son, so i don't have much experience with joint parenting, BUT communication is KEY - if this man is no longer willing to communicate with you then joint custody will not be successful. Definitely get the legal ball rolling. Ask yourself if you even think joint physical custody is still in your daughters best interest? You might want to consider some other arrangement. What does your current schedule look like?

i am totally able to take her soley i am jsut not sure that the courts will go for it since her father is not a "bad" guys so to speak

I am in total agreement with you and the others in regards to you retaining an attorney. That is a very important step in all custodial situations. It would be, in an ideal world, amazing if parents were able to keep true to their "verbal agreements", but as you see first hand, situations DO change! Being responsible in retaining an attorney that will assist you with a parenting plan on paper (thru the courts) is your biggest 1st step in providing your child with the needed routine and security she deserves. And just to put your mind at ease a bit, one of the largest factors (aside from any type of abuse or neglect) that courts weigh heavily in how custody is awarded is which parent will be most likely to encourage the child to have equal access, opportunities, and/or communication with BOTH parents, whether e-mail, phone, or visits. Another factor could be the detriment the child could or would face in the care of a parent. It sounds as though this could be a factor with the "Step-mom" being the primary caretaker of your child when in the custody of her father by making statements such as "her child and its her family now and I need to accept that when i grow up and become a parent" and to not call her husband." Since this Step-mom has no descression with the words and statements she makes, you wonder what is said around your daughter, and the ridiculous position it puts her in. This brings me to what I believe is the main issue. How is your daughter doing with all this and how are you helping her thru it?

It doesn't matter how short or tall a child's parents are, they look up to both Mom and Dad and love you equally. Children live what they learn, right? So if they grow up with conflict like this in their lives, they WILL struggle in their future with any type of relationship. I'm talking thru experience. My two youngest's father was very aggresive and abusive to me when we were married. Well when we separated (now divorced) all he ever did was say horrible things about me to our children. They would come home upset and cried allot. It took time for me to figure out what was going on. My 10 yr old son was the one who finally told me. "Dad always says bad things about you." And yes they were very bad. I ALWAYS responded with a smile. He was confused about this so I explained to him that everyone reacts diffently when they're angry. Without getting into details of why his dad was angry, I kept it simple. "you can't be angry at someone unless you care about them. It's nice to know that your dad still cares." My children know that I don't agree with the things their dad says, and I know this isn't the ideal situation for a child, but I refuse to contribute to the uneasiness a child faces when their PARENTS can't get along.

I know your child's father isn't nessisarily the one speaking ill words, but continuing to teach your daughter to have healthy relationships should always be priority. It seems you agree.
I suggest you talk to your daughter. Find out if she does hear any of this negative thought and how it makes her feel. I would explain how important it is to YOU that her father is happy, and that you support him, his wife, and new baby. Which happens to be her sibling. That will always be. For you to encourage your daughter to be a big part of her new siblings life, will be one of the strongest lessons you could ever instill on her. And remember, actions always speak louder than words. For example, for the babies 1st birthday, take your daughter out and by him/her a gift together that she can give. Depending, you may even want to go as far as saying something like, "Your step-mom is just seeing that your dad still cares about me. She may just be a little uncomfortable about that and isn't saying the nicest of things. The reason he still cares and is concerned for me is because I am his little girl's mom. I hope she'll understand that soon. I really want her and your dad to be happy." Acknowledging what is being said and showing your daughter that there are ways of handling things in an adult mature manner, will help ease the stress of the situation some, and she will have so much respect for you.

When I was young, in a divorced family, my mom remarried a man who had custody of his daughter. 8 months younger than me. But when my biological father came to p/u for visitation, he would always have my step-sister come too. He never forgot her birthday, and for sure got gifts for her too at Christmas. This has had a major impact on me that I am sooo grateful for.

I promise, I know, that your consistant love and support for whatever comes your way WILL pay off!

P.S. Another suggestion... request the courts to have you and your child's father take Co-Parenting classes. It could help bunches.

P.S.S. Food for thought... you say the baby is 7 months old right and they have been married for 2 yrs now. The way I see it that she has been going thru some major hormonal changes most of her married life with your ex. Hmmm? Who knows.

Best of Luck to You!!
Blondie70

thanks Blondie for the advice. I do make sure I talk to my daughter almost monthly to make sure she is ok. since everythign has gone on she has pulle dback a bit and refuses to talk at time then I jsut let it go. She opens up to me at bed time we usually get alot accomplished then.

as for the step mom and ex they have been married since April 2008 they were together for abotu 2 years prior to the wedding.

Sounds as if you are on the right track. Like I said (being a mother of an 18 yr old ++) Your continued communication and support will pay off. I honestly wasn't sure of that until recently. Being apart from their dad for almost 7 yrs now, my 10 year old who use to only want to be with the "Disneyland Dad" now struggles with watching him cut down, not only me, but his Grandfather, current G-Friend, friends, etc., etc. (Their dad is very good at playing "victim") My son sees me hustle to make ends meet while "dad" is unemployed, no support, and lives with his Mom and Dad paying all the bills. He really sees the struggle without his dad's help. And so you know, it's not me that says "Dad" doesn't pay. His Dad makes comments such as "your mom is looser." "You are HER "job".
"Mom is the one that is suppose to give you this." etc. (please keep in mind, that this is NOT the norm. He is an abusive man, and yes Child Protective Services, monitor him!)

All the while, we play music, sing, dance, etc... with a smile. Yes I am human, and this makes me cranky, but this is how I deal with it.(Plus vent to a confidant) I don't like it, but it is what it is.

Just this past week, my son thru at me that "I don't want to be near him." He didn't want to go to "Dad's" anymore. He further stated that, "Dad is mad because I respect my you more than him." I sighed. "It's true though!", he said. YIKES!! I hate to admit this, but I finally felt justified. Of course I didn't tell him that, just asked him to be patient with his dad, and everything will be okay cause he's got me! Again, this is not the ideal, but...

You know your daughter best! Keep a smile on your face and always be there for her. Sorry I read wrong about how long they have been married. Almost the same ???? You can talk to her more than once a month, I think. Not to drill her, but you know what I mean. She needs to feel sooooo comfortable to approach you with anything, that means you need to initiate it. Kids are kids, and are only learning when the right and possibly wrong time to talk, deal, or handle any scenario. Good job Mom!!! You will be in my prayers!!

Me ex husband did not help me the first year and a hslf after my son was born because he had so many complications from ebing a preemie. I almost died in the hospital and he did not vist my son but about 3 times and he was there for three months. Now my son is 3 and he wants oint custody. He only can see him on Sunday and Monday s for 8 hrs at the moment and has no overnights. I ofcourse do not want himt o have overnights. We were ordered to go to a parent cordinator. I think that is what you should ask for. Let the judge pick one. We meet with the coordinator about every 4 to 6 weeks. this really is the only time my ex and I communicate without our child around. For me I am trying to learn to trust him. Not working he got arrested and was put on probation, but atleast I now have a witness to him being an idiot. I believe if you ask the court to atleast get a consultation with one it would be good. I mean you are trying to open the commnications and he is not working with you. You have a right to know what your child is up to with out verbal abuse. It does cost about $150 an hour. Usually we each pay half. Seeing how he is the real reason you have to go, Maybe your lawyer can get him to pay all of it. Good luck.

Our situations are so similar. My daughter is 8. Her dads girlfriend makes all the decisions when she is at her dads. She doesn't have my daughter call her mom, but has told her "Your mom is who raises you, not who's belly you come out of."
Same thing about her dad and I getting along fairly well until girlfriend came along.
She is so evil, and he lets her. I think she's jealous of me because I had a daughter with her boyfriend. (She's old enough to be his mother, and he's "fixed" so there's no more kids for either or them.)
I have tried to be nice to her, talk to her, say "hi" to her, and she just snubs her nose at me. I think that just makes her look bad in front of my daughter.
Blondie70, I am so glad you shared that your kids are 18+, because I keep telling myself that my daughters father and his g/f are just ruining for themselves. Not that I want to see it happen, I think its to bad for all involved, but it is what it is. It would have been a lot easier to have just got along.
I have wondered myself what the courts can do about his g/f negatively affecting the situation. It can't be good. I'm in a court process right now, and I think I'm going to bring it up and see what happens. Keep us informed. I'm interested in seeing what happens with your case as well.
This kind of situation is infuriating isn't it? People I know wonder how I can keep my cool like I do. I do it for my daughter. She cares about the people in her life, even the ones I don't and I have to be respectful of that. What it comes down to is I AM her mother, and she knows it no matter what the evil ones might think.

Hey saw your message and wanted to respond. My situation is a little different but similiar also. My ex got married and basically I have raised our son for the past 8 years. I have tried to keep communication open, but nothing can get to him, unless it goes by his wife. I tried to arrange a schedule for him to call his son or talk with him via internet so they could bond and get to know each other. But it seems she plays the major role in what she will allow him to do. Even though a judge stated that the communication should be between him and I, still she plays the same role in interfering. I do want my son to get to know his father, he left him and I when he was only a couple months old. Since remarrying he has two other children less than a couple years apart from my son Nicholas. Then a major turn took place in Dec 2007 when they were going to the Bahamas for vacation but I had stopped receiving support for my son. When I inquired, I was informed by his wife that, she would send it when they returned in a week. Needless to say, nothing has come and its October and all contact has stopped. Upon taking my son to the doctor it was then I learned that his health insurance also had been dropped in Dec 2007. They have sinced moved and I cannot take him to court due to no address, so I am filing my things with Division of Child Enforcement here in Va. It hurts me alot over my son, who is now 8 years old and asks alot of questions that mommy has no answers for. I did find out early on that it is best to get a guardian ad litem. That basically is a representative who only represents the child involved and not the parents. They in turn will tell the judge what they feel is best for the child and how things should work. It is a good thing to have not counting the lawyer. Check with your job to see if you have any benefits that fall under legal aid, which in Va some jobs do have. You pay a basic fee each month and you have an attorney when and if you need one, each and every time. My ex has been convinced by his new wife that the only reason I want him to be in my sons life is because I want him back. But the Lord knows I just want my son happy and everything to be fair on all sides, but especially for my baby boy. It is sad because the only way my son sees photos or anything about his dad...well that is from his myspace page. I see the hurt in my son's eyes and as a mother I just make excuses to try to lesson the hurt I know he feels. Children need both parents but when there is a new girlfriend or wife involved it becomes sometimes impossible to remove the hinderance, i.e.wife...in order to get through to the dad. He has told me that he doesn't want to disrupt his new family by bringing my son around. Which is sad and hard for me to grasp. Good luck with your situation, hang on to that attorney and consider the guardian ad litem which the court can appoint if you ask your attorney or the judge. Much regards

Momzilla,

I was in a similar situation some years ago, and although states vary, you may want to discuss the possible ramifications of declaring 50/50 custody in court. I did not retain legal council when I went through this because, being naive, I though we were going through the motions of legalizing our agreement and it would be clean cut. what I got was something all together different. *I won't go into all of the gory details but I can tell you that I wish I had declared a 60/40 split for the sake of having an upper hand- I don't mean that in a controlling sense but in the legal eyes of the court and how they viewed my responsibilities (I too had been absolute sole provider for 2 years- which I thought spoke for itself). *DO write everything down. Everything.

I can't tell you what will happen legally, because that can vary state to state. For instance, in my state a court cannot award joint custody, so that would not be an issue here.

What I can tell you are some universal truths. Step mom is not "Mom" you are. Look through your divorce decree. Standard language is that the parent should not encourage the child to call anyone else "mom or dad." Second, you are not required to communicate with the new g/f or wife. Any judge, whether new wifee likes it, is going to tell her to butt out. You are not required to communicate through her or too her and your refusal would not be unreasonable. As you know, many things can be lost when there is a go between passing messages. Your child's father is the other parent, not the new wife.

I would suggest that you ask to go to mediation in which the new wife would be barred. This could be facilitated through the courts, and is non binding. In mediation, you and your ex would sit down and talk through the situations in the presence of a mediator who usually has a counseling degree. Perhaps if your ex see's your frustration, then he would be willing to step up and silence his new wife.

I don't think that new wifee being the primary caregiver when your child is over there will be an issue. But if she is hostile to you in front of your child, if she is talking bad about you in front of your child, and causing ill will, this will be a large issue in court.

Good luck. Unfortunately this is a HUGE problem in family law these days. Step parents need to step back and let the bio parents, parent.