Hi everyone! So glad to have found this forum.

I'm a 33 year old woman with an almost three month old son whom I adore. I also have a 10 year old daughter, but my relationship with her and her Dad are excellent and not the reason for this post.

History: Bio Dad and I have been on again, off again for over five years. He leaves, comes back, leaves again, etc. Issues with infidelity on his end. Sept 2006 he decides he MUST have me in his life (interestingly enough, just as I'd finally met someone new), and works his butt off to win me back. I decide I'm willing to discuss it, but nothing else, and he spends four months building trust and reconnecting. It culminates with him saying that if we should get pregnant, he'd stand by me 100% and not leave immediately like he did the last time. In fact, he wanted to try for a family.

I wasn't too keen on the idea, thinking not enough time had passed from his change of heart. I also didn't think I could get pregnant again, and we were using birth control anyway. Lo and behold three months later, I find out I am pregnant - a TOTAL surprise - and he's out the door within 10 hours of finding out. Yes, I feel like an idiot.

He shows up for our son's birth, and I find out he's already introduced his new gal pal to his parents months prior. She has a four year old son. I ask him if he plans on parenting her kid as his own, and he says, "If it gets serious, yes." Little did I know they'd already made plans to move in together. Supposedly she's been through what I have and is completely understanding, although I have no idea what that's supposed to mean to me.

So. Bio Dad has now decided he isn't interested in acting as a Dad to his own child, but will show up for visits as he finds the time. He's tried twice to be more involved but then "forgot" about those commitments as they came up, so he's basically done nothing. He is also "blaming" me for why he's not more involved, saying he's scared of me and my reaction. Well duh. Who wouldn't be angry in this situation?!

So my question is this: How do I cope with all of this stress while still parenting my son positively? How do I work through this fury I have for my son's Father? I feel like I'm barely treading water these days, and I know my emotions are affecting my ability to stay present and positive.

I don't feel qualified at all to reply, since I am asking the same question.... With that disclaimer, I'll answer anyway

I've been divorced for just over a year now, and looking back over that period, the times when I was least angry/depressed and a better parent was when I spent my time worrying about other, useful stuff. Worrying about bills, etc., that doesn't work. But when I decided to go back to school, and I was studying for the LSAT, and writing personal essays for law school applications, and really considering options for the future, things were good. When I ended up coaching soccer for both my children's teams, I was thinking soccer all week long, playing with my kids every night, worried about having time for homework, and not so much worried about what their dad had done to our lives.

I'm also a very religious person, and when we first separated, and I first found out about my ex-husband's infidelities (and other stuff), my church leader gave me great advice. He said that I *don't* have to forgive him right now, but that I would eventually. And then I would need to repent of being unforgiving. It was just nice to know that we can all work on our own time, and as long as we are working towards something good, we'll be OK.

I have to admit I have slipped a bit now that all those things are taken care of. It's a constant battle for me to stay focused on other things and it's tiring.

Yikes, just reading your post makes me wonder if he is terrified of commitment to where he sabatoges his relationship.

Ok... let me explain what I mean. He left himself an escape route for both relationships. It seems, he's kinda got you in his life since the both of you are parents now... and with the GF... he doesn't really have to care for another child... he can excuse himself sort of speak. IDK... I wouldn't want to know if he would be a great father to someone else's kid. It would be too hurtful and painful for my kids to see.

It makes me wonder if he had a great childhood because he doesn't seem to have much empathy for the way he makes the people around him feel.