Hello,

I am a single mom by choice (donor insemination). I work as a paramedic. Yesterday I had an eight year old male patient with some severe behavioral issues. He was quite violent towards his mother, the social workers, the police, and us initially. He finally calmed down. My partner asked him where his father was and if the father lived with him. She seemed quite suprised to learn that he did live there. I was very annoyed with this question for many reasons. First of all, what type of question was that? The child was mad at mom for saying no to something. Why does it matter to her about the father. If there were issues involving the father, then she was creating a potential for the patient to erupt again. Did she feel that a single mother can't control her child? Did she think this must be a single mother family? Maybe I am just overreacting but I was really annoyed.

Thanks for listening.

Firstly welcome to SFV anyasmom. Glad you found us.

Secondly, amazing! Kudos to you for taking life by the horns and shaking it up. Single mom by choice. Tough decision. My admirations.

Thirdly, yes and yes. Oops thats two therefore fourthly as well. You are right to be annoyed, knowing your circumstances and yes you are over-reacting I think. Your parenting choices, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with them, are not exactly the norm. The questions asked were normal. I doubt you would have been annoyed if you were not a single parent. It's like if you buy a Ford Focus. You never noticed them before but now that you own one, you see them everywhere and every detail now stands out.

Just to give you a look at the other side of the coin, I have talked with many custodial single fathers and their main peeve question is "how did you get the kids?" ( I sometimes suggest a snide retort such as; "well first you get her number then buy her flowers...") As if fathers really can't be primary caregivers. Sheesh.

Welcome again and I hope you have more to share and add to our wealth on this site.

quote:

Originally posted by jaydsdad:
[qb] I have talked with many custodial single fathers and their main peeve question is "how did you get the kids?" .. As if fathers really can't be primary caregivers. Sheesh. [/qb]

Well fathers have come a long way with their legal rights to being the custodial parents. Still to this day it's not as common as it is for women. I suppose we just assume that its the mother who'd have custody and if not, there's something "seriously wrong with her" .. I don't think it's so much that the FATHERS are inadequate .. it's more like, "What the heck happened to the mom??" I mean no disrespect and I know I've caught myself feeling like this. But if you look at the patterns of history, it's the women who took care of the children and the men who went off to hunt for food. Still, it's a changing world. I think as the laws change on your behalf, we'll be seeing a lot more fathers taking on this role and eventually it'll equalize to that of mothers. People are just funny with change.

Back to the post, I agree with you. That upsets me too. There's definately a stigma that comes with single-motherhood. We're usually expected to be uneducated; underpaid; overly stressed; who's children rule the household.. Any misbehaved child hanging out with mom has GOT to be fatherless, right? grrrrrrr.. I deal with that sort of bull myself. In fact, the very first time I met my son's pediatrician (he had medical concerns at the time of the referal) one of her first questions were if I were a single mom and if I were employed.. I remembered feeling offended being that I was only there to discuss my son's developmental delays due to his birth complications. She had no right.

quote:

I don't think it's so much that the FATHERS are inadequate ..

Excuse me? Are you offering an opposite argument or are you supporting my statement with this clearly defined gender bias? Obviously the "long way" you mentioned is not quite long enough yet.

Okay...maybe I took the above out of context. Still, the question I mentioned and the questions in the opening post really have no place in PARENTING. Why should a father even be asked that question about the child he helped create? Even if nothing "happened to the mom". But that is a perfect world with a perfect legal system. And we all know the truth about that.

It is also a stigma that many "fathers" have helped to create and the fathers that truly are fathers take the brunt of it. Just like the stigma I face all the time....you are still not married at 27 and have two kids, that must mean that you hate men huh? NO, I loved a man, that is why I have two kids, I love them, that is why I am still single. When I meet the right man for me and them, I will love him and no longer be a single mother. LOL. But I think that there are many single mothers out there who are angry with men, and married ones for that matter and vice versa, men angry with women.

Long point short, the people who are not good fathers make people surprised to find there are good ones. Unfair? yes. I guess it really has not been quite long enough really (for either of us).

quote:

Originally posted by jaydsdad:
[qb] Okay...maybe I took the above out of context. Still, the question I mentioned and the questions in the opening post really have no place in PARENTING. Why should a father even be asked that question about the child he helped create? Even if nothing "happened to the mom". But that is a perfect world with a perfect legal system. And we all know the truth about that. [/qb]

Well jay, I didn't say it was ok to question. I was just giving you a different perspective than the one you harboured: that those statements equated to fathers being inadequate .. I moreless felt it was the mothers who were the inadequate ones being that they somehow were denied as primary caregiver. I'm not saying how I feel is fair and I'm not proud of it. It's never ok to assume and I'm trying to be more open-minded with this. I guess on a personal level, I've attached that belief to my own personal dilemma with my ex. Also, like I mentioned above, laws are changing. It wasn't common for the fathers to receive the custody. It's growing in numbers now and I applaud on your behalf. Face it, so far that has been out of the norm and people don't know how to react with 'out of the norms' .. I hope I'm making sense and not offending you further.

Hi anyasmom
welcome.

I think I would have asked the partner later why she asked that?

I know I certainly have seen that assumption from many before. It seems common for some people to assume that when they don't physically see a father in the situation.
It is a stereotype of the child, mother and single families.
I have overheard several times adults mentioning or asking about the father or similar type of questions that seem to assume that is a cause to the problems.
It is a stereotypical assumption that many people adopt to single parenting.
And in my opinion it is just one of the strangely distorted assumptions that some people link to single parenting.
Along with moral standards of the parents, drug use, housing conditions etc.

The thing I am not sure of is how this is propagated since at least 95 percent of the single parents I have been exposed to work darn hard to give their children as stable and healthy environment as possible.
Maybe it comes down too one bad apple that taints the perspective.


edited for really bad typing. (need sleep.)

You haven't offended me Jes. I jumped the gun.

A little bit of stress got away on me there. Sorry.

Thanks to everyone for responding. I was quite upset with the person at the time I wrote the original message. I can't bring it to her attention as she is rather outspoken and also happens to be one of my supervisors. I guess I'll just chalk it up to her ignorance.

Jaydsdad,

Please don't think that my post or even my partner's comments were gender biased (I think she's equally biased). I felt that her statements were against single parenting in general, I just look at it from the single mom perspective because I am one. I commend you for being a single dad. As much grief as we get from our jobs, etc. when we try to put our children first, I imagine it is even worse for you. It shouldn't be, but I think society in general operates like that. Thanks for your response.

Laurie

Laurie,
I can appreciate you having to keep from asking her to clarify under the circumstances.

I hope you stick around the site and jump on in where ever.
I think you would made a great addition to the site, and your perspective, challenges and triumphs would be good for all.

Thanks Iamharmony,

I will be sticking around. I have been reading the board for a little while but just started posting. I am really glad I found it. It's great to get perspectives from others that are in similar circumstances (no matter how we got here).

Laurie

quote:

Originally posted by jaydsdad:
[qb] You haven't offended me Jes. I jumped the gun.

A little bit of stress got away on me there. Sorry. [/qb]

No apologies needed!

Yes please Laurie. Don't let my words discourage you. I have great respect for Jes and she is wise. We agree on much more than we disagree on but healthy debate is welcome around here. It is one of the tools we use to grow and become better parents. If we were all the same, then we'd all be making the same mistakes and never learning from them.

Welcome aboard.

anyasmom,

I get questions asked that of me. Like my son would behave differently his dad was around? NO! A child is going to be a brat on any given day whether both mom and dad are present in the home or if it's just mom or dad. God!

Hey have any of you got this stat thrown at you yet? I've had people say that the stats prove that if my son is raised by just me (the mom) that he has a higher chance of being gay! Now where they got that one was crazy! Trust me my son is all boy and if he turned out gay it's b/c he more than likely was born that way! Hey if he was gay imagine the free beauty and fashion tips I could get for free. LOL LOL

By the way jaysdad it's not that we are saying dads can't raise their kids on their own it's just not even that common now in 2005. I respect any man that takes on what us woman do in raising our kids on our own. Besides I enjoy having you single dads here it makes me see a man's side as well.

SPIRIT