Hi there, everybody. I hope I am not intruding, because I am not yet a single mom. But I am afraid that that moment is not too far off. I have a 2 year old son who is the centre of our world. My husband adores him and is a good father to him - at least in terms of his day to day interaction with him. But we are having severe marital problems. We love each other, definitely, yet we still manage to make each other absolutely miserable. The details aren't so important - he says, I say - and we are trying to overcome our difficulties, but it is not going well. If I am honest with myself - and it's difficult because I can't bear the thought of my son without his dad who he loves so much - this is probably not going to work out. The consequences of that are pretty enormous - we are from different countries and he will probably go back to his country, which means that contact with his son is probably going to be infrequent.

So here's the question - to those single moms out there with just one child (I have no doubt that those of you with a 2nd child don't regret it for a second!). Do you regret not having had a 2nd? Do you feel like it would have been worth having another one even if it was inevitable that you would separate from the father?

I am conflicted about it - on the one hand I just don't want my son to be an only child and I feel like being an only child of a single mom is probably more difficult than being an only child from a "traditional family". But at the same time, is it fair to have another child knowing that the father probably won't be around? Also, how to manage on your own with 2 kids? I am working full time and earning well right now, but I really want to spend more time with my son and a lot less at work (one of the sources of tension with my husband - I've been supporting him for 8 years and he's made hardly any effort to get out and work, even though I'm desperate to be at home).

I would really appreciate your advice, particularly from the point of view of regrets or no regrets about not having had a second child.

Thanks so much,

dri

Hello and welcome to the site,

I often *do* regret my son not having a brother or a sister. It seems like it'd make his life in a SP family a lot less lonely, if he had a sibling to share it with. It'd have made my own life easier too, as he could have played with his sibling while I did things like housework, home repair, car repair, etc. It was so sad seeing him enteraining himself alone while I did the things that he couldn't be a part of but needed to be done.

Now, choosing to make a child with a man knowing that you're planning on shipping him off later? Honestly, I think that's pretty terrible. Just my position, however.

You say he's not working. Is he helping to take care of the house or the child?

Later,
BObby

BigBobby, I really appreciate your quick response, and hearing your perspective is incredibly useful.

On the other issues you raised, I don't really want to make this thread about marital difficulties rather than single parenting, but I will just say that I misspoke - I don't KNOW that my husband will not be around, I am very very much hoping that we can overcome this. But it is tough going, and in all of this I am trying to think of what is best for my son and what is bearable for me. My husband and I have actually discussed the idea of having a 2nd child even despite the possibility that we might not make it, because neither of us feels comfortable with the idea of him being an only child.

Thanks a lot for your reply, and I really look forward to hearing more ideas.

I have an only daughter too and I hate it, I wish she could have a sister to play with but back then, when she was younger I knew her mother and I didn't have a chance so I was against having a second child, now that she is almost 6 won't make a difference because for the time that I meet somebody and go through all the process she'll be in high school...lol.
I compensate this by organizing more play dates, even if it means putting up with mothers that I don't really care for, but I enjoy seeing Stacy playing with other kids.
I also wish my daughter had a mother in her life but that's not possible. There were times when Stacy was not even 2 yr. old that I didn't know how I was going to manage and if I would've had one more I don't know, you may be making a bad situation worse.
This is just my humble experience.
Adrian

I hope it's ok to poke my opinion in here even though I am not yet a mom, therefore, have no experience with your question....

however, I can't not say something about this decision you are thinking of making. You say you and your husband are going through some difficult times and you don't know if you will stay together but at the same time you are talking about having another child JUST SO THAT your current child won't be an only child??? This sounds so wrong on so many levels.

To conceive a child based on that reason alone is mindblowing to me. A child (ideally) should be conceived with love, especially since you are somewhat planning this. I think you are making a B I G mistake on wanting a child with a man you are fighting with just so that your son will have a sibling to grow up with. Sorry, not a good enough reason.

As a single parent of three I can honestly say I'm glad there isn't just one. However, if I were in your position I would think long and hard before having another due to the current problems. I've always wanted a large family (yes larger than the one I currently have) and could not imagine having just one child. Although it can be very difficult as a single parent working full-time to care for and manage all these guys. I'm not going to sugar coat it, it's hard sometimes b/c there will only be you to do all the work. I do believe that you should consider the consequences though especially since your spouse may not ever be living in the same country as you. Good luck and keep us posted.

I am a single mother of one daughter. I would love to give her a sibling but as circumstances are at this moment I cannot but someday I know I will. Even if I am not with someone else, I will have a 2nd child close to the age of 30 which is 3 years away for me.

In your situation, I say that yes it is hard being a single parent sometimes but all in all, if you really want a second child then I would weigh the good and not so good points of it and make your decision from there.

It is unfortunate that things dont seem to be working out between you and your husband. I hope that they do but in the case they don't, do what you want with your life. Make you happy and your child(ren).

Hi, I'm sorry I've been quiet - I really appreciate all of the responses you have sent me. I only wish there was an overwhelming vote in one direction!!

I have always wanted to have 2 or more kids, and while it's not a desperate longing right now, I suspect that it will be after a time and that I will personally regret not having another if it never happens. From my son's perspective, I feel like our relationship is so intense that it might end up stifling him when he's older if there is no sibling. I am also a little introverted and so might find it difficult to do all the mommy networking needed for a good group of playmates (maybe, maybe not).

I am just scared of having to do it all on my own, of course! I still don't know how to solve that dilemma....

Thanks again.