I'm 31, and I have a 8 yo boy, 2 yo girl, and I'm pregnant with a boy due 12/1/05. Things have been tense between my husband and I for a few years, but I thought they were getting better. Yesterday he told me he wanted a divorce. We've been married for 10 years. He is firm in his decision, and, if we didn't have children, we would have no problems splitting up. We have grown apart, but we're still pretty amicable. He's offered money and support, and we'll make a killing after selling the house. I know this sounds trite compared to the other crisis situations posted on these boards, but I break down and cry when I think about my kids not growing up with their dad, especially my young daughter and unborn son. At least the older one has a normal relationship with his dad. Will the smaller ones have to ask the eldest, "Tell us what it was like when we all lived together?" I feel like we are destroying their lives. The kids and I will be moving 1500 miles away for me to finish school and to be near family, so they won't see their dad on a regular basis like we wanted. I am very close to both my parents, and I can't imagine growing up without my dad. He was such a pivotal part of my life... how can I do this to my kids? How can my husband do this to them? I've suggested many alternative situations, but he is adamant that we separate. We'll stay together until Spring after the baby is born, and then that's it. Someone please tell me if my kids will be OK??? I love them so much, and my heart is breaking for them. I know it has to happen, but I can't forgive myself of him for doing this. How do we survive this?

Hey,

I'm the 30yo single father of an (almost) 11 years old boy. Welcome to the site.

Your kids will be OK. While you have very valid fears, but it is inevitable that you and your kids will go through their childhood together, have some good times and some happy memories, and share something special throughout your lives. Trust me...some of the situations single parenting puts you in can make you cry...but some pain is part of any parenting and this is just the kind that we and our children go through. The pain does dull as time goes on, and believe it or not some new things do come up to replace the things you lost.

Regarding your husband, I think this is a terrible thing to tell your wife while she's pregnant. I'd really like to ask him myself what he's thinking...

Honestly, it sounds like you should start protecting yourself against him. If he wants a divorce, you should get your own lawyer. I hate to say these things, but so many divorces end up with one person acting very nice until the papers are signed. Really...each of you having your own lawyer is just smart (and I believe you're legally entitled to one in Mass).

Later,
Bobby

This is a tough one. I have seen two divorces up close and personal and it sounds like your situation is much like they were. The first was my parents, I was 8, my sister 4 at the time. The second was with my first bf, he had three teenage kids. In both cases it was just a matter of growing apart. Everyone still loved and cared for eachother but knew they could not live together.

In my boyfriends case the mother was an alcoholic and the kids were at a very difficult time and eventually he ended up going back to the home until the youngest could move out and then they would sell the home and go their own way. My guess is that was not the healthiest thing to do but I'll never know. They were very civil and friendly to eachother through the whole divorce and there really weren't any problems there, it was just a matter of the wife really not being ablt to support the family without him and I understand that. Hmmmmmm the little one would be about eighteen now maybe I should go look him up, nah.

With my parents, sure I was sad that they were splitting up but I knew even then that they weren't happy and that in turn made me unhappy. They also had a very good, if there can be such a thing, divorce and they are still friends.

I think that is what makes it bearable for the kids, to keep it from reaching a point that you hate eachother. Kids are extremely resilient and they will cope, as long as they know it has nothing to do with them and that you guys can still be friends they will be fine. When you both are happy the kids will be happy. Both of my parents were re-married not long after and all it did was give us two happy homes to enjoy.

Your youngest ones will suffer the least as long as you and your husband can keep a possitive attitude. If you can work out arrangments and there is no hostility between you, the kids won't know there is anything wrong so they won't be upset by it. You may be a rarity on this board. I think most here have not had the best divorce situations and you can judge from the stories how much that can impact everybody in a negative way.

Now some may see this as being a bit rosey colored but my family is proof that a divorce is capable of going well and that it is possible in some cases to maintain a healthy and even loving relationship with your ex. I just wish our case was more the norm, there would be a lot less pain for the children involved.

Bobby does bring up a good point there is a difference between being optimistic and being blind. Make sure you protect yourself first. Once those GD lawyers get involved they just love to get you fighting for things. In both cases above they were handled through mediation.

Welcome to the group and I hope you can find some support here. There is always someone ready to listen and support you.

In most states there is an alternative to conventional divorce called Collaboritive Divorce. It's often easier on everyone, the emphasis is on honesty, the interests of the kids are put first, and so forth.
I'm going through much the same thing as you are, a divorce I didn't want. I'm luckier than you are, my son's are mostly grown. Hang in there as best you can, surround yourself with people who care as best you can, find some personal counseling to help you to cope.
And all the people here are the best. I've been a member all of a week and it's helped me. Hearts and minds here will be here for you..

Yeah, I will agree that mediation is better than dueling divorce lawyers...

Although we didn't even get a mediator...it sort of worked out for us.

I gotta say, however, that I don't trust a guy that's firmly divorcing his pregnant wife. If you do get a mediator, make sure that he really is operating in both your interests. Dueling lawyers are better than a woman finding out the mediator protected the guy paying him after the papers are signed...

I'm sorry if I sound suspicious...and I know that none of this was in your original post...I just felt it needed to be pointed out.

Later,
Bobby

I agree with Bobby that the timing on his part is a bit poor. Now I don't want to stir up any issues here but is there any chance do you think that maybe he has his eye on someone so he's moving forward a bit more quickly than before? I don't want to imply anything really awful on his part, but I know for a fact that things like that do happen and maybe he is thinking that better to do this before the child is born than shortly after when things get really complicated. Maybe he wants to have you set up and settled somewhere on your feet before you have the baby. Oh my look at me defending a guy. Who would have thought? I must be feeling generous tonight.