Hello all. I'm new to SFV and can use some advice. I'll give a little background; I 'legally' separated April 1st. I asked for the divorce not my husband. We have three wonderful children;15,9,and 4. He's a great father and I have no problems with child support.

Our marriage was over 2 years ago. Basically, it was a dead relationship. He's also very manipulative as well as verbally/mentally abuse.

Here's my problem. He's trying to guilt me taking him back for the kids sake. He comes from a home where his parents stayed together for the kids. I just can't see living the rest of my life miserable. My kids were living in a home where their parents didn't talk and when they did they were screaming at each other, as well as showing no affection for one another. That's got to be worse than us being apart.

I guess I just need some reassurance that my kids will get thru this and they will be ok.

Reesa

Its of course your choice on weather you take him back or not. However ask yourself this. is really better for the children to live in 1 dysfunctional house hold with 2 parents that don't like each other and they know it ? or 2 separate households where theres peace not war.
Good luck. God bless you and hang in there.

Drew

i agree, ive been trying to think of what to say whenever my x plays that card as its almost inevitable.If you feel your kids prefer peace not war as im sure they do, and you feel better cause your not fighting with someone then thats your answer. hope you can push on and do what you feel is best for you and your kids, do not be emotionally blackmailed which is a form of manipulation funnily enough.

Wish you the best of luck!!! :welcome: we'll be here to talk if you find it hard!!!!

Do you want some professional help in this situation is he willing to go to counseling or are you done?

I'm done. We were together for 12 years and nothing changed. It actually got worse.

You have an obligation to your children to protect them. Subjecting them to an abusing household is not protecting them. Sons who grow up witnessing abuse and become abusive; and daughters who grow up witnessing abuse are more likely to end up marrying abusive men. I'm sure you do not want this for any of your children. If it's not good enough for them when they get older, than it's not good enough for you (or them) now.

I guess I'm just at the 'having doubt's' stage...

I DO NOT want back in the marriage. I'm ready to move on with my life and be happy again. I've been over it for a long time now, I'm just worried about my kids.

My concern is how long will it be before he leaves me alone.

I have been reading your problem, and I wanted to say that besides doing what's best for your kids, you have to do what is best for you. You are not going to be any good for the kids if you don't please yourself as well. It will be rough and he will not stop trying for a while.
My mother left my step-father after 14yrs of marriage and three kids (besides me). My siblings took it hard at first but they have since accepted it. It took my stepfather a while to stop trying to get my mom back but everyone (sibs, mom & stepdad) have gone on with their lives. So this example is to say just do what you have to do to make yourself happy, and if you are worried about the kids, get counseling for them.
[QB]

I've always done everything for my kids and nothing for myself. So now that I'm doing what I feel is the right thing to do, I'm labeled the 'selfish' one. My 15 year old just told me this morning she was happy we split up. She says she sees a huge different in me - I'm happier... That helped A LOT!!

I have to learn how to 'turn off' the buttons he's pushing - Any suggestions on how to do that?

Don't let him see that he's pushing your buttons. If he knows he's having an affect on you, he will continue with whatever it is he is doing. If, on the other hand, he sees that his attempts to get you back are getting him nowhere, he will be more likely to let up sooner. Just know that he will push your buttons as long as he sees a benefit in it for himself. Just don't give him the satisfaction of seeing you affected by it.

^so right u r!!im trying to avoid a button pusher and ive learned the hard way just exactly what alexmichelle means tonight actually!i thought it would have to actually work for him to keep doing it but even him seeing(or hearing if on the phone) a glint of an affect on you and he will go in with the next move.its very difficult not to show your true reaction to what he says and very hard not to let up but please try as i certainly will and eventually they'll get fed up and you can move on properly.Very glad your daughter gave you some encouragement!!GO U!!!after 12 years youre doing great to have made the step to get out of the relationship and also should be doin stuff for special you!!
Good luck!

You guys are great - Thank you. It's amazing how just a little encouragement goes a long way...

I'm getting ready to have Child Support filed with the state and once he gets the notice he's going to start a whole new set of slams... I'll be ready

yep, you get your helmet/mask on for when hes about to pounce with those big button pushin finger tips!!!im armoured up after tonight!
hugs x

I agree with Scottish P.Seans, get your helmet on and use the same method on him that you use with your kids when they are trying to push your buttons.