Hello Everyone. I have been searching for months for single parent support groups in my area and I have been completely unsuccessful. I joined this site because there seems to be such a wonderful comraderie here with unconditional and non-judgemental support system. That is what attracted me. Well, I have just recently become more positive about my pregnancy (I am 6mo) and still have a ways to go.

I am a professional woman who thought she 'had it together' and then I find out I am pregnant. At 31 termination seems so selfish especially when you are not a teenager you have a career and don't have a reason to persure that route. But thats what the 43 yo dad was urging me to do. He was completely selfish and said that he needed me to 'do this for him'. I couldn't. I tried to make appointments but couldn't go. The problem is that he is married and is a supposed 'man of God' who persued me for years before I 'broke down (please try not to be judgemental). Yes we had an inappropriate relationship for over a year and I (we) conceived a child. I feel like I have failed my child from the beginning because this man has made it clear that he will deny this child and will not be involved in his life...yes I'm having a son! The last time we spoke was in Dec. and he is very content with his state of denial/ avoidance. Yes I am going to take legal action when the baby is born.

The problem here is that I destroyed a 9 year relationship with my...boyfriend I guess. We were on and off and I just felt as though if we weren't married after 9 years he didn't want to be with me. Personally I though our interracial relationship was to much for his family so he kept me on a string. I love hime dearly and tried so hard to wait for him to be 'ready' So I stupidly became involved with someone else. I'm gonna try to keep this as brief as I can. The very surprising this is that I thought he would leave but he didn't. I didn't tell him I was pregnant until I was 4 months and once I did he professed how much he loved me and that this should be his baby and how much he wanted to be the one to get me pregnant. Well, this made me feel like **** cause here I am alone and my bestfriend is now finally having an adult conversation about his feelings (which never happened before). Why now...(rhetorical). But he has indeed made me feel gulty for 'doing this'. However, he admitted that he' cheated' also but he said its not the same thing. I don't understand the rational but whatever. He still helps me, spends time with me, we go out, but he does often express his sadness. He hates this ither person which I have not dealt with for months with a passion and every day we spend together I fall deeper and deeper in love with him. He has also expressed that I have to be prepared for him not to be there.

Thats why its hard because we're still lingering on. Being pregnant and alone is the worse!

I feel so dumb for wasting this 9 years but at times I'm glad I did. I feel like I have failed my son miserably from the beginning because of the genes he shares with his irresponsible 43 yo loser dad! And every little boy needs his daddy (Ithink). I know it would be wierd for him if he stayed around so I don't think he will but I really hope he does. We have not told any of our friends (fear of embarrassment) so they all have no idea I'm pregnant. I have alienated mayself from my friends and church for various reasons and now that he (the baby) is coming soon I have to begin coping better.

I know people have far worse situations but I am totally overwhelmed. I don't have any family close and I work 13 hours a day...How do I do this and deal with these other situatI hae stopped crying everyday. The doctor said that the baby can sense my sadness. Its not fair to do that to him. I want to be a good mom and give hime the best life I can and I do not want his bilogical dad to have anything to do with him (I know thats not fair but thats how I feel) He called hima sin and has no regard for how he is doing. He has some on with his life and has voised the fact that he is forgetting about me and his son forever.

being alone isn't fun and sometimes requires you to be brave and find the confidence within yourself you didn't know existed.

Perhaps this child was meant to be in your life in this moment to help you re-examine what you want to accomplish in this short life we have... time goes by quickly.. before we know it we're reflecting and wondering what should we have done.

both of you decided to have this relationship eventhough you both knew how it would affect the people around you. This may be a turning point for you to reset priorities and new goals for your future. whether or not this man wants to be a father is beyond your control. You may be lucky to find someone willing to fill those shoes.'

Have you decided to stay in the same church? keep the same friends? or perhaps have a new begining with a new environment where others are not familiar with your history?

I think it's true, that babies can sense our sadness, even our anger. for your child's sake I would concentrate on your blessings and the positive things you can offer your child.

Good luck and best of wishes.

Thank you so much for your response. I do feel that you are right about the fact that this child is supposed to be here and has a definite purpose. i am trying to embrace that. However, I still have my good days and bad days.

Yes, we both entered into this relationship for whatever reason at the time. But I happen to be the one that has to deal with the consequences directly. But I am trying to deal with it.

Don't get me wrong I love my son but this is not the way I wanted this to happen. I have since left that church I have kept some of my friends there. However, I am finding it extremely difficult to relocate. That may be the best thing for me to do because I get so angry when people ask the typical questions...who's the dad or are you guys happy...or how do you feel about this? I have been trying to put on a happy face but I wish I could get away from all of the familiarity. I would need a good job though.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your well wishes and I will try to concentrate on the blessings.

I don't know of many people who've changed lifestyles so much for a baby as I have done, I'm sure there are, I just don't know of any. It's been almost for years since I became in single dad, I went from driving trucks (I was doing it since I was 19) to staying inside an office all day long, I sold my motorcycle, you can't know how big of a deal this was for me, I mean I always loved bikes more than women. I was 38 yrs. old when Stacy was born, single and living in Vegas, no complaints whatsoever, don't take me wrong I was never the irresponsible party animal or anything close to that, I don't even drink alcohol. Now I have play dates with other mothers, take my daughter to the park, zoo, movies or whatever we decide, but I wouldn't change my life for anything in the world, I can describe the feeling I get when I see my daughter growing up, learning things, developing skills, etc. I'm not sure if I could've accomplished all this if I wasn't self employed, I always managed to have my daughter with me.
What I'm trying to say is that life is going to play it's course, I'm not trying to paint you a rainbow, It was hard at times, but If I made it through I'm sure you can. I found it easier as my daughter got older and started entertaining her self, I felt a great accomplishment when I got her off diapers and, for what I read here the hard part will come the day I get to go bra shopping or when she get her first period, don't think for a moment that doesn't freak me out.
Well I just realized I wrote too much I hope I didn't lose you mid posting.
Good luck
Adrian

Thanks Adrian. I check this often. I am glad there are others here that are feeling some of the same feelings that I am. I don't know why but I am glad to see that a dad weighed in. Well I do know...b/c my childs dad has proven to be an irresponsible selfish coward. And to hear what you feel as your shild grows up WHY ON GOD'S GRREN EARTH WOULD ANYONE LEAVE THEIR CHILD!!!??? I just don't understand father or mother.

No maybe it didn't happen the way you always imagined but gosh its your kid! So no you did not write too much and I 'm sure after you saw what I wrote yours is a walk in the park. I am just trying to find some answers...or logic is a better word to some of the things that go through absent parents' minds. My situation may be a little different but ...well it is what ot is. I guess.

To me that's always the million dollar question how can a man (or woman) divorce his/her ex and what I call divorce his/her kids as well, I know it must be hard to put up with ex's doing hard things to your own kids, but still, kids need both of their parents, so I guess we have to bite the bullet and do it for them.
I don't think you'll ever understand why he doesn't want to be a dad, try to take it for what it is, at least you know now, so he won't be any part of your son, its always better this way than been in and out of the kids life.

Well, its true. I would so much rather things stay like this. I do not want him to be a part of the baby's life because he doesn't want to be. I think I feel worse because he an I were necver married and I feel as if I have done sommething bad to my child by bringing him into the world without a dad. Little boys need their daddy...i think. Well, part of me doesn't want him to have a change in heart because I went through this entire pregnancy alone and i want him to take his ill feelings and continue on with his 'perfect littlelife' without the burden of his child (which he called a sin) Oh that just makes me angry. But I am in therapy and trying to deal with it all. And I do believe that God has placed angels in my life to be with at this time. I just keep saying...My baby is a blessing. Although it doesn't feel like it right now with the circumstances, I know he will bring great joy to my life. Thanks again

Soon2b:

First of all, NO ONE is perfect, so don't beat yourself up... we have all done things that we think we should have done differently but you just learn from that and move forward. With that in mind, you cannot change anyone else but yourself, so you focus on you and your baby! Like you said, you love your son and that's what ultimately matters the most. I adopted my bi racial son as a single mom and I have had a few people say stupid things to me, and with practice you come up with the right things to say to shut them up. It hasn't always been pleasant but I can tell you my son is the greatest thing to ever happen to me and a few strangers ridiculous comments will never change that!
I looked online too, as I am also in NJ, and I couldn't find any support groups either! I'm glad you're in counseling... that's the best thing so hopefully you can keep your stress level down for you and your son.
Good luck to you and I will keep you in my prayers!
Yvonne

Tinker, thank you so much for your words of encouragement. I figure that once my sone is born and I get the 'practice' will will also begin to come up with the 'right' answers. Now I avoid that 'father' questions and statements like the plague or I justget the best actress award and act like I'm having a normal 2 parent pregnancy that I am beaming about. Yes, I am trying to keep my stress level down but every time I think I'm getting better I think of him and he makes me angry all over again. I know I need to try to let it go. But he has some nerve...UGH! I am even anticipating a court battle that is not going to be easy for a number of reasons with this man. I know that once I see that little face nothing will matter...I hope. Thank you for your prayers. I really need them!

Why would you anticipate a court battle, I thought he didn't want to be involved?

I mean court for child support. He doesn't want to be involved and he is demanding a DNA test. He has said that he will deny this child at all costs. So instead of 'manning up' he's making me go the difficult route. He does not want to admit to fathering this child because of his position(job) and status. So basically, he told me to send him a court order so that he can deny as long as he can. He also told me to write that I didn't know who the father was on the birth certificate. I told him that he was out of his mind. So I am going to have to force him to support his child financially but I do not anticipate him being physically involved. Yeah...(sigh).. its a mess!

Hi soon2bmommie, WELCOME TO THE GROUP I want to start off by saying that you are not alone, I have four children by a man that lives a couple of blocks from me and they barely see him, try to keep your stress levels down and concentrate on that beautiful baby boy, you waste so much energy and time trying to figure out what to do about the loser, thats time that could have been being spent sleeping or eating something delicious(lol). Try to stay focused and happy because believe it or not this baby is a blessing, everybody cant have children so be happy that you were blessed with one. Keep in touch.

Keep your spirits high soon2bmommie! Your son needs you to be strong. The road will not be an easy one but we are here to help. Make sure you get a lawyer and BTW welcome to the group.

I have to say thanks for all of the outpouring of support. I do have a laywer but she can not do anything until the baby is born. She said that she can however serve him the papers while still in the hospital. You're right it is a hard road and this is just the beginning. I know he needs me to be strong its just that its one thing after another. Nothing is easy. Its hard not to think about the loser carrying on as if there is not a child about to be born. I know tha energy needs to be directed elsewhere but I'm working on it. I'm very scared and nervous about all of this. Becoming a parent is major in itself but facoring in all the other drama seems to be so very overwhelming. thanks again for the warm welcome and moral support. I will stay in touch.

I'm afraid to bring up this subject because many ppl don't agree with me.
Think about the fact that if you force the father into court, he can came back in 5 years and suddenly start demanding visitation out of nowhere and you are going to be forced to give him/her to him. It doesn't sound like you are doing too bad financially, is this is the case I'd look into the possibility of having him sign away his rights, you can't force somebody to be a father and, believe me, you provably can't think about this now because you child isn't born yet and because deep down you are still hoping for a change of heart on his part. If you raise him/her is going to be very hard to part, even for an afternoon.