Hi all! I'm new to the board - I am a 30 yr old single mother of a wonderful, but energetic 5 yr old boy. There is a long story on how I got where I am below ... but what I am wondering is what I tell my son when he begins to ask about not having a dad?

My son's father choose not to be a part of our lives soon after I told him I was pregnant - I do not receive any support from him, nor have I tried to get any. At the time, I gave him the choice to of wheather he wanted to be listed on the birth certificate or not, and he did not want to be listed on the birth certificate so he is not. I live with my parents so my son has a wonderful Grandpa that is a postive male rolemodel in his life, however I know the day is coming that he will ask about his dad and I won't know what to say. Does anyone have any advice on what I should tell my son? Should I try talking to him before he starts asking? I just don't know what to do ...
His dad is a nice guy - doesn't drink or do drugs, and isn't abusive or anything like that, he just doesn't want to be a part of his son's life (he says he can't, but everything in life is a choice right?). I don't want to bad mouth his father to him, but on the other hand I don't want to lie to him either. Any help or advice would be appreciated!

Don't let your emotions concerning the cop-outter come out when you do talk to him. Not only does it bias him but it also makes kids uncomfortable and it is in their nature to think they did something wrong.

I would suggest waiting until he asks. At that time let him know that his dad was not ready to be a dad and still isn't. That he does not know what he is missing but that he is just not ready and does not think he would be a good daddy. tell him that some kids don't have mommies or daddies but that he was blessed with a mommy that loves him twice as much.

I have heard of people telling kids that Dad has a hard time taking care of himself so he is unable to help take care of them. Dad had things to work through. Dad lives far far away and is hard to get a hold of. Dad loves you but can't be a part of our lives now.
Keep in mind that all these things are going to bring up more questions. These are things I have heard through my daycare. If a child does not have Dad around I find out what Mom tells the child so I can back her up.
I would wait until he asks. Why bring something up that he may not even realize yet?
I wish you the best.

Thanks for the quick replies! So far all he has said about not having a dad was when he was 3 and asked me "Your my mommy and my daddy right?" - I told him yes and that was it. But lately he has been talking about all of his friends dads and I know the questions are coming ...I will wait until he asks and then try to tell him as best I can that his dad loves him, but he just wasn't ready and can't be with us. Thanks again!

Yes he will ask, and he might insist one day in wanting to see his father.
When he asks about him it might be an idea to make the distinction between a Dad (=emotional concept) and a father (biological concept).
It's also important to make him understand that it't not his fault if his father doesn't want to see him. In your case you can probably say that he's never seen him, so it can't be the child's fault, since he doesn't know his child.
We will soon be in the same situation. Our story is very similar to what you described in your first post, my child is not even 3 yet though...so maybe a few years to go yet before it becomes REALLY tricky.
I have recently decided to let him communicate with his father, in some way at least (phone, email via me), even if it's only 1 time in 2 months or even less, so that he gets a concept of 'my father'. I am hoping this might answer some questions for him already (my Dad/father is not here, but YES, I have one).

I have a 7 yr old boy. His father opted out of being part of his life also. From about the time he was 3 I would make small comments like, you have your fathers eyes. then came more as he got older. My advice would be to start small and tell him similar qualities then when the questions of where he is you will be more ready and so will he.

when michael was 3 years old he started to go to daycare and he was very attached with the husband of the daycare owner that also had his little girl on the daycare. he understood he was the gir'l's daddy adn when it's father's day he started to cry he wanted to have a father. it was so painful to hear but it wasn't the first time.. i had explained things before, even i didn't know how to explain something like this to him.. he'd not have a grandfather (my father died 11 years ago) and he had no uncle and his godfather never showed up... no male friend or boyfriend, etc. i chose to tell them (him and his twins sister) that their dad had went away and he'd not come back anymore. because this guy wasn't the guy i'd like to raise my kids even if he wanted. he did very serious things for me and i was so afraid he'd teach wrong things for my kids.
so i started to tell them about their grandfather. that their grandfather was a very honest and good person.. and qualities i thought they could have as example, even i don't think my father would accept them as they were children from a relationship with no marriage..
i couldn't lie to them "dad loves you" if this guy lived one block from my home and he passed by us and pretended we aren't there.. if he watched from the other side of the street (where his best friend lived) my beloved twins walking, talking their first word, their first birthday, their first christmas (he spent his friend's home and even brought a gift for someone else's... and),he simply ignored... once a woman told me it was the most shocking thing she saw in her life, this guy 2 meters from us acting if he had nothing to do with them.
well, i think i talked too much and i went out of topic...
now, i've this bf that is very present and last father's day michael made a gift for him.. :love: yesterday i was so moved both are playing with his cars in theplayground. michael; doesn't ask for a father anymore since my bf entered our lives. he knows he isn't his father but i think because he had no male figure around, only my bf presence does a big thing for him! :balloons:

The way we handled both my daughter's adoption and the separation from her father was to talk about it when she was young, then it became "routine". A couple of years ago when she was six, she actually put a "stepfather" on her Christmas list. This last Christmas she said, "I know these things take time so I won't ask for a stepdad for Christmas; how about my birthday?" Now, she's decided kittens might be nice for her birthday too!!! But it has been painful watching her adapt to an absent father...keeping her in youth activities sure does help.