Hi, I'm new here. I'm 33 and am expecting my first child 6/08. I've always wanted kids and knew that it would be difficult-impossible for me to actually have them. So, I'm excited. The child's father is someone I've dated for 2 1/2 years. He is financially stable and has always wanted to be a father. He is escited. But, marriage doesn't seem to be in the cards. He goes to the dr. appts., is on board with providing financially, and is even here for me during the pregnancy. The difficulty lies in the fact that it is hard for me to square his enthusiasm for the baby with our unmarried situation. He's "excited" that I am the mother of his child thinks we aren't the best match for marriage. Neither of us is dating anyone else. How do I square my irritation with him on this personal note so that it doesn't interfere with his relationship with the baby? Why am I being so selfish? We are still intimate and he has made himself available to go to functions with me so that it isn't awkward for me. He plans to integrate with my family and wants me to do so with his. This is so crazy to me. It seems that it would be so much easier if we just hated each other, so that our interaction would be clear cut. Of course, I don't want to give up the comfort and support that he provides me regularly and consistently. How do I manage this? Just put distance between us to make everything black and white for me and risk pushing him away and making myself feel isolated?
I hate that the child won't wake up to 2 loving parents. I hate that we are 2 professionals who love each other but won't just TRY for the sake of the child. We both came from single parent homes and never wanted this for our families. Is that just old fashioned? I KNOW these are things I should've thought out before I got to this point, but what now?? Do I just need to get over it and march on like a good soldier?

Hmm.. not sure what to tell you on this. In your situation, I would probably want to be married also. Sounds like all but that would be there. I don't get it.

I should say it is great that he is there for you during the pregnancy and plans on being there and providing for baby.

wish I may

WElcome to SFV....when you get I think 50 posts or so, you will have access to private messaging...I tried sending you a welcome note, but you don't yet have access yet...



mommydiane....if intimacy is still there, than surely there are some feelings in the relationship that are still meaningful.

Did he ever say why he thinks the two of you are not the best match for marriage? Maybe ask him, if he thinks you are both best match for parenting?

I wouldn't push the issue with marriage...coming from single family homes it is normal to fear a committment level on unconditional love. Many from single parent homes go through what we call abandonment issues, which unfortunately is carried over into our adult relationships because we have never really experienced our parents happy so we "assume" that happiness doesn't exist.

So having the baby without the marriage is the next best thing for him without him getting out of his comfort zone.

If the intimacy stops that I would be concerned, then that would truly show there is no romance, and that would be double jeopardy.

Do you both enjoy your time together? Do you have fun together? Perhaps for now, those should be the goals of the relationship is learning how to have "fun" together, as if you were in a field as a kid playing with others.

When my girlfriend of a few month got pregnant I proposed living together to the amusement of my parents, been married 40 years the thought I should have had proposed marriage instead. One one hand I was full of joy knowing I was about to become a father, on the other I felt really sad because I knew I wasn't bringing a child into a loving family, she was going to be loved, of course, but I was always a little old fashioned.
It sounds to me like he wants to be a dad but only when he choses so and it doesn't work that way. I have a question, does he wants to give the baby his last name, does he wants to be list it on the birth certificate, those were things very important to me, I knew her mother and I were doomed from the start but I always wanted to be a full time dad.
For what I read I take it you two don't live together, if this is the case let me tell you that as soon as the baby is born and you are not available for going out any more things are going to change, now he has access to you any time he wants but once the baby becomes your primary task nothing is going to stay the same, then soon, and I'm sorry to guess so much into the future he is going to get somebody else to do the things that you won't be doing with him anymore and puff, you are the ex and going to have to start fighting for support.
May be I went too much over the tangent here without knowing the specifics, I hope this is the case, then dismiss it.
Adrian