Do you want to?

In my head, I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. But the only way I can ensure that I never experience THIS again is to never marry. Like a lot of you, I just don't trust men, even though I long for companionship.

And then at our age, the pickings get slimmer. Do you feel a little claustrophobic being a single mom in her 30s, like if you don't find him now (even though you feel you can't trust any of them)you are staring lifelong loneliness in the face?

It would take a extremely special woman for me to marry again, and no I don't trust women either. But I don't think it was the fact that I was married that was the problem, more like who I married, and the reason I married. I married more just to settle down and raise a family then the fact that I was in love, very foolish I know, but it is what it is.

For me, it was how long I was married and how totally sure I was that our marriage was forever. I tell people all the time, my biggest worry when I found out about this woman was whether my dress for a new year's party would fit right...lol. And he was planning a whole other life with this other woman.

Just caused me to question every single second we were together and my ability to be as discerning as I thought I was.

Well we carry our past with us. Its hard to not think in the present without what the past has done to shape our preseptions about people and sittuations. It makes it feel like more of a risk to try again at times. Maybe thats more related to the pain, but thats what it feels like. I cannot say if I would marry again or not, I simply don't limit myself like that.

Cheaters are in the same boat as liers to me, and they allways tend to repeat their action even with a new partner, so I feel for the new woman because that is what she is up against which may or may not be part her fault.

You are right. I will never deny that the trauma of what I have been through makes me feel this way.

By the same token, if I had been in a car accident, I'd still drive again.

I just can imagine myself always wondering when will the day come, when the bottom falls out. I go back over my marriage, and sure there were plenty of bad days, but I cannot pinpoint the time or the place when he stopped playing for our team.

So it will be with another man. I realized I don't know men too well, and the thought of making this mistake again with my little children---oh no.

as always very perceptive Lurch...


I have never been married, but been in a long term relatonship...

even through the disappoitnments, i now realize that yes i would take a chance again, only because I now see, that person who ever it will be, has the freedome to be wiht me or not with me.

we can only hope it will be for a lifetime, but once i realized all i had to do is to appreciate teh time spent with the person is more important than trying to figure out wether this person would be faithful to me.
it is out of our control...

the key is in friendship and respect, and if everything can be shared without secrecy, then it is good.

i'm rambling on here not saying anythign specific.

but...slowly wiht experience I am begginning to have faith in my ability to seek and draw teh right person into my life.

when i draw the wrong person, i dont blame them for hurting me, instead i reflect on, what did i do to attract this person and experience into my life...was it poor judgement? was i blinded by love that i didn't see the signs? was i lonely and thought he would be loyal to me without any signs showing his wants and his needs?

I believe that one needs to start to see more "good" than "evil" in order to be able to draw the "good" to us. Seeing either can be difficult if we have not been exposed to it...thus we cannot recognize it when we see it.

Thanks SPC. You too are very perceptive. I feel open to dating again. I'm not sure I want to marry again. But you've given me a lot to think about. When I was working through forgiving my ex, I tried my best to think of all the good he brought to my life, and like you said, I realize that I will only drive myself crazy trying to be in "control." It's just not for me to have. Good things will happen and so will the bad. I'm rambling to make it sink in for me too.

But don't you worry about a parade of partners in front of your children and what that teaches them?

You needent involve your child unless you are sure you have something. Most single parents won't involve their child at all, and won't introduce them to a date. I am lucky in that respect, mine are 16 and 19 and it makes it much easyer as they know the score allready.

Agreed. That will have to go for the guy friends I have too.

Hi there! I am new here, so here's a little about me...

It has been almost 1 1/2 years now since I found out that my soon to be ex (at least hopefully soon) was cheating on me with a family friend. The proof came Christmas night '06. I survived Christmas '07, but leading up to it was hard.

I am having the same kind of problem. I am from a small town (12,000), and the choices are limited. I am not ready to date because I want my children to grow up with strong morals. Unfortunately, they all three know about the affair and they lost friends. For some reason he expects me to invite the kids over to my house and take them out to her's. Anyway, her kid's are following in her path...no morals and can't keep their mouth shut.

I am ready to move on, after things are finalized. I just worry that once I start dating, the fear will start again and eat me up. Right now I am happy, but would like to have a relationship at some point. Marriage...I am not opposed. I really fear having someone else cheat on me. I guess I am talking myself out of dating

I am also having problems because my soon to be ex has pretty much "disowned" my oldest son verbally in front of his younger brother. He adopted him at a very young age. He rarely asks him to do things and when he does go anywhere with his dad, he cusses at him or degrades him in some way. I am concerned about how this is going to change the relationship of my other 2 kids. They don't want to go see their dad without their older brother to "protect" them. He was hotlined by their therapist, but, being the great liar that he is, got out of that without anything!

Okay, I will quit rambling...I don't know if you have any suggestions or just good advice.

Hiya Glad,

Welcome aboard. Boy do I understand that fear! To go through that devastation and know that starting over means it could one day happen again. Could be paralyzing.

It has taken me a long while to feel ready to date. Of course, I had also spent many months still living with my husband but with no physical or emotional contact too. I have come to believe there is just a natural limit to that.

I am ready to date, or I think I am (you'll have to see my other thread. A friend pointed out that I may be subsconsciously going after someone who is unavailable out of fear.)

But I have to say of all the trauma I have experienced in my life, divorce outranks every one of them. But I also fear being 50 and single too. So one way or another, we gotta get back out there and try again. Fear wins when we never even try.

Ugh that means I got to get hitched before july. I am still wonder why people think you die at 50, or that you are ready for the old folks home, lol.

lol...Lurch, I'm sorry! I know 50 is the new 30, and I plan to be as fabulous then too . I just meant in those years when the kids have moved out, when you're cruising into retirement, have time for traveling and doing stuff, grandchildren start coming, I'd like to share that with someone.

lol, I wish I could get my last one out of the house, I started in my 30's so she is only 16, and as lazy as she is it maybe a few years before she vacates.

Hahaha, 16!!! You've got a way's to there then. You know, you bring up something I was thinking of posting about. If I were to get married again and the man wants children, I'd be in the same boat.

You know, thanks to Heathcliff Huxtable, I've always had a goal of getting the kids out as efficiently as possible, with no boomeranging.