I am 32 and have a 10 month old daughter with a 27 year old boy. He was there through the pregnancy and until our daughter was 6 months, then he left. We had some issues to deal with and one of them was an insurance check that was rightfully mine. He told me if I didn't give him the check he would become a dead beat dad. That's about the 4th time he'd threatened me with that and I told him that he obviously WANTED to be a dead beat and to go ahead. That was one month ago today. During that month he's been busy partying with his buddy who got married at the end of August. Now the wedding, the bachelor parties and the fun is over and all of a sudden he misses his daughter and is trying to get in touch with me. We spoke once briefly and I told him that he could see her when his Mother has her, which is usually on Sunday's, but I am not allowing him to take her anywhere b/c he is behaving like a 17 year old child and he's up to no good. I am afraid he is going to get into trouble with the law (and it won't be the first time if he does) and I don't want to run the risk of our baby being with him if/when the drug enforcement agency comes barging through his door...not to mention he lives in a bachelor pad which is party central and no place for an infant. Well, he got all mad at me again, called me a wh-ore, and hung up on me. Well now I have a problem b/c it seems like all of a sudden everyone feels sorry for him and is taking up for him, including my BEST FRIEND IN THE WORLD. Or at least I thought she was. In my opinion, if he can't grow up and act right then I am being more than fair by letting him see his daughter when his Mom has her. He knows he isn't ready for fatherhood. He thought he was and everyone thought he'd be great, but he's not.

What I need advice on is this: How do I get over him? He's the biggest jerk imaginable yet a part of me still loves him and I make myself crazy wondering what he's doing and who he's doing it with and if I hear about him out and about it just kills me. I decided to try to talk to him last night after hearing from a mutual friend of ours that he seemed genuinely down and depressed over this and I got his voice mail. I checked his messages (I know the code...big, huge, stupid mistake I know) and there are three messages, all from girls and it's my own fault for being nosy, but it hurts. It hurts to think he's abandoned us and hasn't given a thought to us in a month, plus he didn't answer my call b/c he was off with two of these girls, but now all his fun has died down a bit and now he misses his daughter and it just freakin kills me...he gets to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants, with whoever he wants and ignore his daughter all this time and now all of a sudden he's all pitiful and making some people feel sorry for him. My best friend hurt me so badly over this the other night that I can't even talk to her right now. I don't know what happened, but when I told her about him calling me Friday morning, she took up for him and said I shouldn't have been rude and that I should've called him back before then (he left one message Wed and two Thurs evening) and when I told her what he said just before he hung up on me (called me the name), she said, "Well, what did you expect after how you answered the phone and talked to him." All I did was explain to him that he can see our daughter when she's with his mother. The fact that I won't let him take her off is what made him mad. He's VERY CONTROLLING and if he can't have it his way, then it's no way. I just don't understand how anyone could feel sorry for HIM! He's a loser and if he REALLY cared about his kid, he'd hire a lawyer, get his life in order and get visitation. If he were REALLY a man he would've never abandoned us like this in the first place.

So...my friend thinks it's time to end all this and that I should be all happy that he called I guess. I don't know but this is the hardest thing I've ever had to do and I want to do what's right for my daughter, without putting her in any danger. The biggest problem is the feelings I still have for him. How do you just get over it? How do you just not care anymore? It's so hard. I didn't leave him a message last night, but I know he saw my number on his caller id and he knows I called. I just want to be civil with him. I want us to get along and talk to each other, instead of everyone in town talking about us. It's so hard to not let others opinions bother me. Most everyone I know is with me totally on how I am handling things and they've been supportive, but it's kinda like now he's all sad so those two of my friends have changed their tune. I'd like to know how freakin sad he is when he's out partying all night...I bet not much. I bet his daughter doesn't cross his mind except when he wants to look pitiful.

I'm just so lost and confused and hurt and the main thing is I want to do what is right for our child. I don't want her to grow up without her Daddy, but if he's partying all the time and up all night and sleeping all day, then she doesn't need to be around him. He bartends by the way, so he works nights and even his job revolves around drinking/drugs. That's how I look at the situation...that until he grows up and gets his act together he should not be allowed to take our baby off anywhere if I don't trust him and/or what might happen while they're gone. He can still see her, just not on his terms.

Ya know, he's got the best of both worlds b/c he acts all pitiful but if I called him right now and told him he could have her for the rest of the week he would come up with some excuse as to why he can't. The times before when he's gotten her he brings her home early usually or is ringing my cell phone off the hook wanting to know when I'll be home so he can drop her off, etc.

How does anyone deal with this? The pain is terrible. I'm so stressed out I can barely function and the only reason I make it to work everyday is b/c I need my job to take care of my daughter. Some days are better than others of course, but I really need to get a handle on things once and for all. This has been going on since our split at the end of May and I can barely eat,I weight 100# soaking wet if I'm lucky (I should weight 120 at least!) and at some point every single day I am in tears b/c of all this. Is it normal to cry EVERYDAY? Is it normal to feel like I do? Abandoned, left out, jealous of others that are close to him, and very, very alone. Time will make it better of course but I am not sure I can hang on for however long this is going to take. It's so tough and what my friend did Sat night really through me in a tail spin b/c she hurt me as deeply as he has. I know in my heart that he isn't good for our baby right now and I know his pitiful act is just that, an act. But it doesn't matter what I KNOW, b/c he's making me out to be the wicked witch of the west all over town and it's killing me. I guess I shouldn't worry so much about what others think, huh?

Well...thanks for reading this major long post. I needed to get it all out. I am not a weak person, but I feel terribly weak right now and taking care of a baby alone is NOT EASY by any means. It's such an adjustment and I feel like my body and possibly my hormones are still all messed up from the pregnancy, plus I had a rough one...bedrest at 28 weeks, an emergecy c-section at 35 weeks, a week in the hospital, two days at home and the day they discharged our daughter, I had to go back in the hospital b/c I had an infection and was deathly ill. He barely even cared about me by this point...when we were waiting in the admitting part of the hospital I couldn't hold my head up b/c I was so sick and I was sleeping on this couch and everytime I opened my eyes he wasn't there with me. When they came to get me I was almost to the elevator before he caught up and then he told me he was going to see the baby and left me. He's immature. That is what it all boils down to. So somehow I have to find the inner strength to bury my feelings for him and be the adult in all this and make peace with him if there is any way possible. Do I? Do I have to do that? Why should I? Why should he get to come and go whenever it's convenient for him? Imagine how it's going to hurt her when she's old enough to know.

Ok, I'm gonna stop now. Advice, words of wisdom, whatever you can offer will be greatly appreciated.

Are you as old as you say you are?

Hi and welcome!

I know that this sounds like a cliche but in time u will get over those feelings for your ex. It is VERY hard b/c it is not something that u can just turn off at a whim. For me it helped to busy myself with other activities. One thing that I would advise you not to do is to keep your ex away from your child. As long as he poses no danger then u should allow him to see her.This was something that was very diificult for me to understand but I made the decision that I would not intervene in the relationship between my son and his dad no matter what my feelings towards his dada were. Your daughter is entitled to have a relationship with her father as long as he is responsible. Good luck and remember that you are stronger than you think and that while it appears that things are soooo bad right now, i can assure you that it does get better. Just remember to stay focused, take care of YOURSELF and most importantly, choose your battles carefully.

That's the thing...he isn't responsible. I am 90% sure he's dealing drugs and 100% sure he's using them daily. Plus, everyone he associates with are also into that scene. It worries me that she'll be with him if/when he gets in trouble. I am willing to let him see her as long as his Mom is also there for now. If and when he straightens his act up I will gladly let him see her more.

We talked last night and had as close to a civil conversation as we've had in months. I told him he could get her Saturday, but I meant at his Mom's, not that he could come take her off with him. I think he misunderstood me, but I didn't want to rock the boat at that point, so I let it go. It's hard b/c I know I'm not perfect, but my lifestyle has changed DRAMATICALLY since our daughter was born and his hasn't. I agree she should have a relationship with him, but I have to monitor it closely as long as he's living the way he is. Don't you agree?

Yes, absolutely. You are 100% correct. If he is dealing and doing drugs then I dont blame you 100% for your actions. In fact, you might want to look into obtaining sole custody of your daughter through the courts. It is a very emotional process but it will ensure that you have more of a right to dictate the terms that he sees your duaghter.Hang in there and fight for what YOU believe is right for YOUR daughter.

I am sorry to hear about the pain you are in...I can relate very well to it, and it is a very challenging time. I'm the single mom of a 5-year-old interracial boy, and his father is like the father of your daughter, a deadbeat dad. He too is involved in illegal persuits, and has not contributed in any way to my son's life, neither with time, nor with money. Luckily for me, though, he's not on the birth certificate, which makes it much easier for me at least to set the parameters of him seeing his son.

I agree with you that it is better for a child not to spend time unsupervised time with an unresponsible parent. If he is involved in illegal pursuits, and if he does take drugs, it is imperative that no unsupervised visits are allowed. Is the father on the birth certificate? If he is, I would recommend for you to go to court to establish a custody agreement, and I would insist on a drug test as well as make sure to have documentation of his prior criminal convictions...all this will help you get full legal and physical custody of your child, and the courts will be more likely to agree to limited, supervised visits. They will also order child support, and may make drug treatment and psychological counseling a condition for your ex to see his child.

As to your emotional attachment to your ex, don't expect it to disappear immediately. My ex left me hanging during the pregnancy, and I spent the last 3 months on bedrest, all without help or support from anywhere. After Brendan was born, his father was there during the birth, he (father) disappeared again, just to come by my art stand 6 months later to tell me he got married to another German woman. In the beginning, it hurt like crazy. But checking up on him and EXPECTING him to change is just making things harder for you and for your child.

Right now it is important that you let go. Whenever you feel like checking up on him, STOP. He is who he is, and believe me, should he change into a responsible human being, you would be the first person to know as his child's mother. So don't waste your time hating him or checking up on him. Do what you need to do to make the transition easy for your daughter. Maybe you should check into counseling as well, they have free counseling at community centers and free clinics. Because your child will feel all the unprocessed hate against your ex, that's a fact.

The biggest challenge for me has been to come to accept that I was the one who made to choice to have the child instead of an abortion, and I was the one who made the choice to sleep with my son's father, despite all the warning signs. And yes, it would be nice if his dad would wake up one morning and realize what a blessing his son is, but that's not very likely, so I don't waist my breath on it.

\Focus on taking care of yourself...take hot candlelight baths with epson salts when the stress or the anger gets too much, it helps the body let go of all the adrenalin that builds up. Find other single moms and lean on your girlfriends to help you through this. Believe me, the pain will periodically come back even after you are over him...for me it happens every time when I can't pay a bill again, and I'm giving up everything just to make sure my son has food and healthcare. But life goes on, and with the support from my girlfriends, I've managed to deal with it on a day-to-day basis.

But also, check into taking your ex to court...if he does take drugs, a hair folicle test will show it. Insist on the hair test, though, because a urine test can be cheated on, hair tests cannot, they show drug use up to 6 months ago.

I hope everything works out for you, and feel free to email me. Good Luck!

In my state, he has no rights unless he files a petition for legitamization and he hasn't done that, nor do I think he's going to. He knows he doesn't want to go before a judge with me. I've checked with two prominent attorney's in my town and both have assured me that even though his name IS on the birth certificate and even though HE SIGNED a paternity form, he still has no legal rights to our daughter until he files that petition. I don't have to let him see her if I don't want to, I don't have to tell him anything about her if I don't want to, and he cannot make me do anything concerning her. The only other thing is that I'm not getting court ordered child support which I could, but I don't want to open that can of worms b/c then he might file for legitamization and get visitation and I'd die if I had to let her go spend every other weekend with him. Deep down, even he knows that our daughter is better off with me. That's why he hasn't pushed the issue legally...he just likes to b-tch at me about it all the time but I told him that all he has to do to get rights to his daughter is straighten up his life and take me to court. Father's have rights and I can't keep her from him if he's living right and makes an effort. It'll never happen though b/c he can't straighten up his life enough to take me to court.

quote:

Originally posted by newyorkmama:
[qb] Hi and welcome!

I know that this sounds like a cliche but in time u will get over those feelings for your ex. It is VERY hard b/c it is not something that u can just turn off at a whim. For me it helped to busy myself with other activities. One thing that I would advise you not to do is to keep your ex away from your child. As long as he poses no danger then u should allow him to see her.This was something that was very diificult for me to understand but I made the decision that I would not intervene in the relationship between my son and his dad no matter what my feelings towards his dada were. Your daughter is entitled to have a relationship with her father as long as he is responsible. Good luck and remember that you are stronger than you think and that while it appears that things are soooo bad right now, i can assure you that it does get better. Just remember to stay focused, take care of YOURSELF and most importantly, choose your battles carefully. [/qb]

You are good, newyorkmama. great advice.