Can anyone help ?? I have 2 daughters that are 10 and 7. I have been apart from their father since the youngest was born. He has been in and out of their lives since. I do not receive support, waiting for him to give it on his own rather than take him to court. Financially I am secure. Not the problem. He loves the girls I know that for sure. Over the past years he has come in and out of their lives, never shown up on time or just not at all on most occasions, shown up with a bag of beer most times and has gotten drunk before he leaves. I am willing to just wipe him from our lives. Problem is my oldest misses him dearly. I have tried to just let him show up and not pay support and have his way but that didn't work, he never showed up and left them crying at the door waiting for him and he never showed. He comes at Christmas and holidays most with presents but not always and has let them down that ways as well. How do I deal with my daughter crying for her father when I know he is a loser and will never be there for her?? I hate to see her in such pain? anyone else have this situation ? or can suggest anything... please do !

I am not in your exact situation. My daughter has never met her father. However, I have a friend that was like you. Her daughter's father was in and out and constantly breaking her heart. Her daughter is now 15. When she was around 11, she started acting out...trying to hang with the "older" kids and way too into boys for her age. My friend went to see a therapist who told her she needed a stable man figure in her life. A male figure to treat her lkie she is very special so that she won't go looking for it in the wrong places. To put love notes in her lunchbox and take her out one on one. She has adjusted beautifully to my friend's boyfriend who took that role for her. My dad has taken that role for my daughter and it is working well. Do you have someone who can do that for your daughters?

Hi Kathysomething and welcome,

If you read around the site there are many moms here with the same problem. The support offered is immense.

One of the things you will read most is that it will be hard to get this man to change his habits. They have gone on too long this way. I could suggest court action but still that option may bring more grief than relief since he will be ordered to pay support (and in Ontario it's brutal...not financialy but the process) and access will be decided then. This won't make him change but may aggravate an already aggravating situation for you and your daughters.

I think the only suggestion right now I can make would be to try and get your daughters to convince him that his habits are painful to them. Sometimes coming from the child has more effect than the other parent. Maybe a letter or an e-mail from the girls. And there is the oldest weapon in the world. Guilt. If the girls could make him feel guilty about his ways that might work but the risk of backlash is greater.

Tough call for you but you have found a wealth of info and support here. There is also a forum dedicated to Canada with specific Canadian issues and members closer to home for you. Look around the site and maybe you might find some ideas that could apply.

I hope you find a solution. If you need more specific info on court and proceedings, feel free to ask but I think this situation is not going to be solved in the courtroom. I think a little girls guilt attack on dad is your best bet. But be gentle and tactful to avoid a backlash.

Good luck.

Thanks... the girls do have male's in their life but nobody can replace their Daddy... for some reason they see him as someone special... God only knows why... I think maybe the letter might work... I will try that and let you know how it works ! thanks again

My situation is somewhat (?) similar: I have 2 daughters, ages 9 and 7, and unfortunately, their father has an abuse (which they witnessed ), drug and alcohol problem. I did receive full legal and physical custody of the girls, and had a stipulation noted in the custody papers that visits were at my discretion, and could be supervised if I feel the case warrents.

When we lived in California, my main problem was his showing up drunk at all hours of the night, and even in his inebriated state, the past abuse, plus my fear of what he could do in the present was too much for me, so that, plus the fact I could not find work in the town we lived in, the girls and I ended up moving 1000 miles away (to Colorado) in order for us to get ahead in life.

The girls father is allowed to call once a week, and of course, his calls are mainly, not really speaking to the girls, but yelling about how I took his daughters away from him (I did go through an attorney before we moved, did the necessary "letter" as to why we had to move, so that if he ever chooses to try and fight me for taking the girls out of state, I do have a legal leg to stand on!), how we moved just so that I could date other men (LOL!), you know, generally trying to get to the girls so he might be able to control me again...it ain't gonna happen!

The girls know now to just hang up when he goes on his rampages, and I will not speak to him unless necessary (and that is few and far between) but as with your eldest daughter, my eldest still misses her father terribly, regardless of what he has done in the past, and it is so difficult to try and present him in any positive light, that I do just what I can do for her, and that is, counseling and church at this time, trying to keep her as active as I can (and that is a difficult one, since I work full-time, have a very limited budget for "extra's" but we do what we can), and while it is no substitute, her Uncle does try to be that positive male figure for both the girls.

Doesn't replace the fact that her father is not really in her life at this time, and until he gets his act together, I feel it is in both girls interest to not have any visitation at this time. They have accepted that fact, know that until he gets help with his "problems" -- and they know fully well what those problems are -- that for their safety, he can only communicate with them via phone right now.

They are not happy about that, but I have to take a firm stand in respect to that, because they have had enough negative aspects in their lives, at such a young age, well, as I stated, I wish he could be a positive influence, but he is not, and I will be darned if he will drag us down because he refuses to get his life together.

Again, this is my situation, and I hope some of my experiences help you get through these days...again, no one said it would be easy, and it is better to take a firm stand now on what you believe (and know) in your heart what is right, because it could cause trouble down the road, if you don't.

Feel free to PM me if you feel the need!

I'm looking for some feedback here. Anyone, help, please.
My son is 6. His father and I have not been together since he was a baby, minus a 3 month interlude when he was 3 where he lived with us for one more trial run. (terrible mistake) He has passed through my son's life on occasional whims. Periodically, he has made some serious attempts to be a good father when he was attending church. He would take him each weekend for a few months at a time until he just bombed out again and disappeared with no trace either to jail or to some girlfriend.
I've had to deal with his family insisting that he remains a part of our son's life. Out of my sense of duty to my son's grandparents I have been manipulated constantly into driving an hour to drop my son off to visit 'them'. I knew what their intentions were. I was OK with it until my son started telling me that his Dad would not show up at all through a weekend with his grandparents. They were calling every other weekend for me to bring him to visit. I had to tell them that they would have to start making the drive. The phone calls stopped.
This summer he started dating a girl whom he showed some honest intentions of beginning a new life with. I gave 110%, even letting this girlfriend pick up our son on Friday nights so that he would be there when his dad got home from work for the weekend.
Well, they ignored times to be home by hours. They completely ignored scheduled soccer games. And they didn't even bathe him through the weekend. His father doesn't have a driver's license and would still drive them about. His reply was that if he was arrested the girlfriend would be there to take our son. They would call randomly and never commit to a scheduled weekend and the girlfriend suddenly started getting hostile to me.
I finally put my foot down when my son came home late, at 10 PM on a Sunday night, and cried to me at bedtime saying they had left him at the girlfriend's mother's house overnight so they could go out. I called his father and spoke to him about the weekend and he snubbed me as if I was the one with the problem.
I realized that it would be neglect to let my son go unsupervised with them until they showed me that they would start behaving responsibly. I could not use his family as a mediator because he has a history of not showing up there after my hour long round trip to transport my son there. He was always close to my family so I chose my grandparents. Of course, he was not happy with that either.
I then got strange messages on my answering machine from the girlfriend saying, "We love you and we'll see you soon." They had not called to make any arrangements to see our son. I got spooked, not knowing what to think of that. I even made sure that my son could not leave the school premises without written permission from myself.
But since then, they have come to see him 3 times, sporadically, with no further strange comments or behaviors. They told my little boy that he was going to have a brother or sister on their last visit 3 weeks ago, and have not called since.
My little boy asks about his Dad often, and proudly tells people about how he will soon have a little brother or sister. It breaks my heart when he asks if he can go see his Dad.
Should I call his Dad?
Or should I leave it alone?
Another twist is that I just filed with CSRU for the first time and they have ruled that he owes me a considerable amount of money monthly. I have offered him throughout the years that if he pays me $50.00 a week, I would be satisfied. I even offered to use my attorney to write up the paperwork. The guy makes $50,000.00 a year. Last Spring he actually paid me this amount for 2-3 months and then he just stopped. When I demanded some help with a $300.00 dentist bill, he brought me $150.00 saying, "since he's 1/2 mine and 1/2 yours, here's my half of the money." I was horrified and told him that he had just treated our son like an object. He laughed. I just wrote him a receipt and told him good-bye.
Somehow, I am plagued with guilt, thinking that I am pushing his Dad further away with monetary compensation, even though everyone thinks I'm crazy that I haven't done it until now.
Any advice would help.
-Thanks

Do you have court-ordered visitation and child support set up?

If not, you definitely need to take care of that immediately, some guidelines MUST be set up.

A few questions come to mind, and that is whether he is calling them or are they calling him?? What it is about their dad that they find they can't do without? You say they have other male role models but are they active in their life daily or just like dad in the time sense? Does your daughter miss her dad or just the idea of a dad in her life? There is a difference. Do you feel their dad is a benefit to them in any way? Does he make them feel special? or vice versa? Does he come around for him, or them? Because if it is for him and when he misses them it is like you are giving him the chance and the opportunity to let him emotionally hurt them. Who is the one giving here? Why do you think it is ok to let him around only when he has time. What about him making sacrifices for his girls and come around when they want him.

My advice so far without answers to these questions is that as a mom you are responsible for your relationship only...but you are also responsible to protect your girls and their well being, their outlooks, way of life and securing that they feel safe and loved. When he leaves them standing at the door crying, disappointing them, he breaks their idea of being loved and makes them wonder why their dad doesn't want to be around...what did they do wrong..(so to speak) It doesn't sound like this father is providing any kind of positive outlook of what a dad should be like. I would sever the ties for sure but I would explain to your girls in detail why you feel that their dad isn't going to be a part of their life for the time being. His behavior is unacceptable, his drinking around them is unhealthy and destructive, and if he truly loves them as his daughters he should want only to show them a father figure that is postive in his role.. nuturing in a positive way.

You need to talk to your daughters in detail, then put them in therepy so that it reinforces what you are telling them.

Sorry for you.... JMO Karen

Thanks for all the good advise... well my daughters wrote him a letter and it was a whopper ! my oldest did most of the writing and asked why his house and beer were more important that they were and why he wasn't a 'good' Daddy like all their friends had and what they did so wrong to deserve him... well they delivered it and then went over to talk to him to get answers... I couldn't believe it when we got there he was in his garage smoking pot with his friend.. and he knew we were coming at that particular time... well... the girls talked to him when his friends left but never really got the asnwers they were looking for... all he could say to them was that he would try harder and hopefully he could come through for them... I wanted to just leave but I couldn't.... I am disgusted with him... also as we were there his girlfriend was driving by again and again waiting for us to leave... that's another thing.. he has a girlfriend with a daughter the same age as my oldest.... but I have not told my girls about either of them... well so far the nights are getting better... I think getting that off their chests was a good thing... and they are realizing that they are better off without him... I just told them that some men just aren't good Daddy's... not that they are bad people... they just don't know how to be a parent... and that hopefully one day he would realize what he is missing... but if not they have me!!! and I hope that's good enough !!