This is very hard for me, but I know I need someone to talk to. Yesterday; fathers day, my wife told me that she has no more to give to our relationship. There have been issues but nothing that I didnt think we were working on. She is a great person, a unbelievable mother, and has been the love of my life for 6 years. I dont know what to do! I am so scared, I know I need to be strong for our 3 awesome kids (2-5-6. My heart feels like it has just been ripped from my chest because I still have so much love to give to my wife. How do you just give up those feelings?
I am scared for our kids, they are smart very intelligent children who know what is going on, but not completely. I have sat down with them when they asked "are you and Mommy going to be ok" or "is mommy going to leave us" I assured them that neither there mom or I will ever leave them. That we love them, and will be there for them always. I told them that mommy and daddy where having a hard time and that although we may not be together both of us will be there for them. I also assured them that this was not in any way there fault. I hope I did ok, I find myself just bursting out in tears, I dont want to worry the kids so I go somewhere in the house that they cant see me, but they know!! I just really need to dig deep inside so I can be strong for our children.
I am not affraid of my wife taking the kids, she is a very good person and even through all of this she remains the caring woman I fell in love with and continue to love (which makes it hard too). It almost would be eisier if I hated her but I dont. Things have been very amicable and I believe they will remain that way. I just need help to make it through this, to be strong! I have my family, who are great, and a friend. I know I need to use them for support but no one knows how I feel right now!! I just dont understand, I dont know what to do, how to act. I feel like a soalless person just existing. That is not me! I kick myself daily on what I could have done differently, what I should have done. All I know is that I worked very hard for my family, maybe too hard. I gave them all the best of everything. My children know how much I love them, there is no doubt about that. I know that my wife even knows how much I love her. but somewhere along the last 6 years I sucked her dry of the willingness to be together. I hate myself for that!!
Im sorry for rambling but I just need to get this out, I need to LUNGE out for support right now any help or advise would be appreciated greatly.

I just had to comment on this post. Reading this hauntingly takes me back in time when I was in a very similar situation...First and foremost, welcome...You have just found a wealth of knowledge that encompasses many different areas, ideas, and approaches. I hope that you find your stay here worthwhile and helpful to ease your pain.

For starters, there is no easy way to make the pain stop. I wish that there was a better answer, but there's just not. The only thing that can ease the pain is time. I've been a single father going on a year and a half now, and I still have relapses that bring me to my knees. I am sorry that your relationship has come to a point of disrepair that seems insurmountable, but know that there a many that have traveled this path before you, and there are many success stories that will help guide you and give you the strength along your own journey.

It's amazing how, when things come to a head like this, our paternal instincts just kick in and do what's right. I admire the way that you handled the situation with your children. By assuring them that it's not their fault and by letting them know that both mommy and daddy would be there even though they aren't together, kudos to you my friend. You handled this in a dignified and heartfelt manner that is hard to come by when irrational thoughts begin to come about due to the ending of a relationship of this magnitude.

While I agree that you have to be strong for your children, there is nothing wrong with crying and letting out your emotions. Sometimes it is good to mourn the loss of something that meant as much to us as your relationship obviously did. Make sure that your children know that expressing your feelings is a good release and a natural occurrence. Allow them time to mourn as well. You are all going to be going through a huge and life altering transition, and the more that you encourage them to release their emotions, pains, and concerns in a positive manner, the better you all will be.

Try not to beat yourself up too much over this situation. I know it's hard, I've been there, but you have to understand that it takes two to make a successful relationship, and if she is unwilling to make a go of it, there is nothing more you can do. Understand that this is not your fault, and don't take the entire burden of your relationships demise upon yourself. Keep your mind filled with positive thoughts, and your heart full of love, and you will end up all right. Don't hate yourself, and don't be too hard on yourself, from the sounds of things you are a loving and caring man whose children need him very much. Focus on your children and help them through these trying times. Know that all of us here at SFV are here for you should you need any advice, guidance, or even just an outlet to rant to. You are amongst friends here, and I hope you feel comfortable enough to stay around and allow us to help you through this.

-J

Oh, I am so sorry to hear about this. I agree with Trey's daddy -- you did the right thing by telling your kids what you did, and they will be better off with you reassuring them constantly about how much you both love them.

I do have one small piece of advice for you, though. I took my son to therapy when my marriage was breaking up, and his therapist told me that it's OK sometimes for him to see me cry and be sad about what was happening to our family.

Kids whose parents split up, but never crack, never let the kids see them mourn, end up growing up without the ability to cope with reality because they've never seen it done.

So once you have your feet under you a little bit more, if you feel it coming on a little bit, it's not a bad thing to tell the kids that you're sad too, you know how they feel, and it's OK to feel that way.

There's my two cents' worth. Good luck, and please stick around! We want to help out however we can.

Welcome to SFV. Once again, this is another story so like my own. Like Trey's Daddy said, there are no quick fixes to this mess you find yourself in. It sounds like you are doing the best you can. Just remember it will take time. Take a deep breath and hang on to those precious kids when the times get rough. Also, take time for yourself. Don't lose yourself in this like I did for so long. I think over time you'll discover that you are stronger than you ever thought possible. Stick around and keep us up to speed on how things are going.

Thank you all for your words of support and advice. I know this will not be an easy journey but with all the support I have received. The mountain seems so big right now and seems to have gotten bigger, finding out that I lost my job also yesterday. WOW, 1-2 punch! Again I need to be strong and I will continue to be so. I know that right now it doesnt feel like it will get better, I just hope it does, until then I will keep crawling up that mountain and make it to the top again someday.
Again, thank you for all your support!

Wow, that is a lot to take in one week.

You might want to find ways to cope with all of the emotions, and thoughts flying through your head. Exercise was one of the best things I did, I would go walking, biking. Anything to help take your mind off of it and expend the energy in a positive way. Plus it will help keep you in good spirits.

Keep your head up!!

Thank you needforjoy, that is a great idea, I have been getting out with the inline skates and taking the kids to the park and for walks. It has helped, the hardest times are in the morning for some reason. like I said I need to take it day by day and listen to those who have been there before me. Thanks

Welcome to SFV bdunlop!! Your story is identicle to mine....hang in there man! You are doing the right things and like many have said....time is the only thing that will help the healing at this point. We are all here for you, just ask if you need anything. Everyone here is awesome and they have all helped me in many different ways. Plus we also have lots of fun!!!

Keep us posted and stay strong!

-Tim

Ouch! Hang in there man, that is a lot you are going through. I second the exercise notion, it was a big part of healing for me. If you ever need to vent or ask advice don't hesitate to come back here and we'll be here for you.

shaking my head at this happening on fathers day... that's harsh

quote:

Originally posted by jwriter:

I do have one small piece of advice for you, though. I took my son to therapy when my marriage was breaking up, and his therapist told me that it's OK sometimes for him to see me cry and be sad about what was happening to our family.

That's good to know. I worried about my kids seeing me fall apart. There was a period where my oldest son took care of me for a bit even though I knew he had to be going through something tough as well. Kids seem to adjust better.

bdunlop, I hope you post some more. Many of us have been through this. It's a long and painful recovery that will change who you are as a person. You eventually get through it and discover you have strengths you never knew you had.

Just like Trey's Daddy I still have days that bring me to my knees but they seem to occur less often.

quote:

Originally posted by bdunlop:
Thank you needforjoy, that is a great idea, I have been getting out with the inline skates and taking the kids to the park and for walks. It has helped, the hardest times are in the morning for some reason. like I said I need to take it day by day and listen to those who have been there before me. Thanks

BD,

I hope things are going good for you. This past month was by far my best month with dealing with everything, and I no longer wish her back, just that she would stop being a brat and instead of telling me that she wants to be friends, actually try to be one, if that is what she really wants. I do my part to get along with her. What gets me now is her having Ash ask me things that she should, or I forget to make sure she has everything she needs for summercamp (today was water day and I didn't have a suit or pack a towel or 2nd set of clothes for her) I felt like the worst dad in the world after dropping her off.

You are not the worst Dad in the world!!

I once dropped Parker off at daycare without a diaper on. LOL

Everyone has been so great and helpful. It has been one **** of a ride so far, my wife and I have been able to have so many great talks and she went off to Washington DC for a planned vacation and time to get away by herself. It was good, still just one big long ride on a rollar coaster of emotions. When she left I felt that our conversations had possibly made her rethink her decision. Well, I have her some space and I made it through but it was hard. During the 8 days that she has been gone I gained a great deal of more respect for all that she did as a stay at home mom and running her business. I had become so involved in my job and the stresses I really made her feel like she was inadequete. I never ment to do that, I look back and just kick my own butt, but I guess I will have to learn from my mistakes.
Again, through out this whole time she has been gone I felt that decisions had not been made regarding weather she still wanted the divorce, it just drove me crazy not to know. Today We were able to have a whole day long conversation, very corgel and nice, which has been the case all along. She stated that she really needed to find her way in life, after being a stay at home mom she wants to know that she can do it herself and not have to rely on me to provide everything. I believe she also was just emotionally drained from giving all the time. What got my heart was that she said "it not your fault" "we have both made mistakes and I will always love you and appreciate all that you did for us, but this is what I need to so for me" at least she is opting for the legal seperation at this point to leave options open in the future. I feel some relief with this, not the chance of it working out but just that I now have a direction to go...move forward. I dont hate her I understand her need although it hurts and I still love her greatly I want what is best for her and as for me, I will make it with a little help from my friends and family, most importantly my three little ones that need to know their dad and mom love them no matter what.

It takes great strength to let the one you love go. All to often people escalate situations such as that into a war.

I did the same. So many people wanted me to punish her by taking legal action and all sorts of other things. But what would that accomplish? I figured as much pain as I was in I couldn't have her around if she didn't want to be.

I remember about two months after she left she met with me. She had been cold and distant up to that point. She gave me a hug and cried like I've never seen anyone cry before. She cried so much my shirt was soaked. She said she loved me so much, that she was sorry and had to do this. She thanked me for being so understanding.

That was some time ago now and the last bit of emotion I saw from her. Honestly though, I don't know if I was understanding. I was confused though. I just didn't want her to feel trapped by me. I couldn't live with that.

Hi I am new to this site and have been trying to cope with my wife wanting a divorce. We have three kids 8 y/o girl, 6 y/o boy, and a 1 y/o girl. This has been REALLY hard on all of us and what bdunlop wrote is pretty much dead on with what I am going thru. I have to say it is kind of a relief that I am not the only one going thru this. I too have explained to our kids that NONE of this is their fault and mom and dad are ALWAYS going to be here for them. I cried in front of them once and felt bad after, thinking it was a sign of weakness like it showed them I wasn't strong enough, but after reading this post and replys I don't see it like that anymore. I have to admit I do still love her even though she has moved on and is already dating other men and wants me to date other woman but I just can't yet. I do wish I could hate her but I can't and I don't want my kids to hate her either. I know my son has grown more distant from his mother because of this and I don't know how to help him with this. Me and my wife are going through counseling but I get the impression she is just going to just go and not really wanting to work on our issues to make our marriage work, but we continue to go. Should I even bother going anymore? I am slowly starting to realize that it is in fact over since she has moved on and that hurts so much and cant help blaming myself for what happened. Sometimes I feel like I failed my family. I have so many emotions anger,sadness,frustration,and so much more I just wish I would not feel like this and I know it takes time but what do you do to cope with it during this whole experience? The kids stay with me most of the week and when they stay with me she goes out to the clubs and bars and I dont know if I should be concerned about that. people on both sides of our family and friends have said it seems like she wants to be mommy when she wants and it isnt fair that I have them all the time. I LOVE every moment I have with my kids and dont mind AT ALL having them with me, if I could I would have them all the time but I dont want to take them from their mother because I know she would not do that to me. It is just hard when I get this feedback from everyone and all I say is I dont mind. sorry for venting here lol I have a lot more to say but i will leave at this for now lol any feed back would be appreciated. thanks and God bless