Iam not usually one to moan,complain,etc.And please forgive me if I appear to be rambling,sometimes it can be difficult for me to write and express what Iam feeling and be coherent at the same time.As Iam not usually an emotional person,but occasionally it sneaks up and ambushes me.

This holiday period the lonliness hit me a little harder than I expected.We (the girls and I) went to the Ex's for Christmas,so they could spend time with their Mom and older siblings.I was stuck there as there is no Public Transport on Dec.25/26 The girls enjoyed themselves,but I felt totally out of place as the Ex has had her b/f move in.We get along OK.But it was a strange situation whereby they(ex and b/f) went to bed at night and I had my sleeping bag on the sofa.We came home on Dec.26(we got a lift home) and everything went back to it's normal routine.
Last night Dec.31 the girls were all tired and fell asleep downstairs,so I put them to bed at 9pm and by 10.30pm I was in bed.It struck me today that I hadn't had a conversation with another adult in the physical sense for 6 days.In fact I have not seen another adult in 6 days as where I live everyone keeps themselves to themselves.
I was thinking I have had one heck of a year.I achieved full custody and residency of my girls.But everything I do one way or another is to benefit them(I teach as a Parent Volunteer at their school,Iam a Parent Volunteer Teacher at the Home work club and also active in the Mother's and Toddler group at the school as the only Dad).
My Ex goes on about her b/f and what they are buying and she and him are applying for a bigger house.
That wouldn't usually bother me too much.But she knows it hurts me a little.Her b/f works and recieves a very good wage.I haven't worked since 1998(I was a Senior Manager in a large logistics company) when I was registered Partially Sighted.I lost my Driving Licence,Truck and Forklift Licences as I was medically disqualified from driving.The brain works,it just takes a while for the eyes to catch up.
I see the ex enjoying herself and her relationship.I sometimes doubt myself if I did the right thing fighting the system to keep my kids.They tried in vain to take them using both my Gender and Disability against me,but I fought back and won.But deep inside I know I did the right thing,the girls are now happier and stable.
I just thinking when is life going to give me a break.To do and see new things,to expand mine and the girl's minds,to enjoy ourselves once in a while.
Ty's mom said something a while back about her having 'Girlfriends' (friends that are female)I say that because here it has another meaning.Here it means the Female in a relationship either Male-Female or Female-Female.
and she was right that they are needed in times of trouble,etc.I just wish we Males had a similar support network.I do not have the benefit and wisdom of older Male family members as my Father,Step-Father and Grandfather are all dead,Iam the only male in the direct family.My Mother and I get along at a distance,I get the impression that I was an unwanted child as my Parent's were in the inital process of getting divorced when I was born in 1967.My Mother also gives me the impression that I should have been a girl as she provided everything that was needed,but was cold in her love.Yet my 2 sister's got loving and now she say's she has had enough of raising kids as we are old enough to do it ourselves and she spends most of her time overseas on vacation 4/5 times a year.Iam the only guy around here with his kids and is single.The only other guy I know who has his son also has a g/f.
I don't go to bars because I don't like crowds and bright lights.I prefer the art of intelligent conversation in a more civilised setting.I have pretty much become a 'Technological Hermit' hiding behind my monitor and keyboard.I simply don't trust anyone enough to babysit my kids if I had the chance to go anywhere.

Enough of my ramblings,just confused with a mass of emotions.

Hugs to all.

Mark

Hi Mark, just wanted to say I feel for the words that you are putting out there in your post. Darned geography, or I'd say I'll be right over to have a beer or a cup of coffee and just talk for a bit. A New Year is upon us, the Holidays are soon enough a memory, and perhaps 2005 will bring some new beginnings for many of us. I know that this very time of the year can be one of the most difficult to chase off the lonelies.

Same goes for me, Mark. In fact, Don is in California and North Carolina would be on route where he could swing by and pick me up and we�d be over before the tea and crumpets got cold (what do you say, Don?)
Seriously, I'm sorry for you and wish there was more we all could do for you. I know you know everything you�ve done for the girls is the right thing to do but we still get drained and we have our own needs as well. My hope is you�ll connect with like-minded people where you�re at. We�ve all become friends here but we also need real human interaction too.

I'll come over too Mark, and I'll bring some of the bread I just baked.

Please don't be sad any more, I really wish we could beam ourselves like in �Star Trek'.

It's the grey days, the long nights, but now the days become longer every day, 2 minutes per day, an hour per month, and it will become more sunny and warmer and life will brighten up again too.

Yes, you achieved so much this last year and yes, it was the right thing to do. You can be proud of yourself.

You helped me so much this last year, I would not be where I am without you, you can believe that.

When I am down what helps me is the ocean, or a lake, or even a pond, or a fountain (no, a bath tub will not do ). You may have something similar that helps you, and maybe you can drag yourself there next weekend and everything will be better again.

BIG HUG

Daniela

A huge Thanks to you guys.
I lost it for a moment.I felt weak and vunerable and all alone,if I hadn't had expressed myself with rambling I would have exploded and would have been no use to anyone.And there are others with more critcal needs than mine.
Like Don says it is the Geography that keeps us apart. What a Commune we would all make
Thanks Larry I know you haven't been with us that long but your impact is felt with your words.
As for you Daniela I too wish that 'Star Trek' technology was here now instead of waiting for the 24th Century.
With you guys help and words I know it will get better.I guess Iam still getting used to the facts of being a Single parent.

Huge Hugs to all you guys.

With my sincerest regards,

Mark

When you guys get on the road (or sea) grab me too will ya. Mark owes me a big slap for missing this one.

Sorry I missed this friend. The loneliness is justified but the doubt isn't. You have achieved what many have wanted. You should stand tall.

I wish the star trek thing worked too. When is life going to give you a break? I don't know but put my name in for one too will ya?

Ya know, like you said, you got ambushed by your emotions. They ambushed me too. We talked about this briefly last week but now I see and feel your pain. Know that you're an important component here and when it's your turn, I'll watch closer. I just thought you were offering your normal great support.

We're with ya bud! And when the girls get older, it will get easier.

Rather than a commune, Mark, I think we should travel the world like a Royal Court. That way we could all experience each other and the different cultures too. But that's just my version of the perfect world, all of us together keeping those evil lonelies at bay.

I too missed this post, but was tipped off about it earlier. Even those of us not so house-bound can become technilogical hermits. Sometimes it is something we need, to just be with ourselves and discover our wants and needs again. Don't feel guilty for that. It is ok to be afraid, what usually isn't ok...is to stay afraid.

Just take babysteps...you are already doing so much to network and build your circle. Just by being involved w/the girls' school - you have done more than most. Give yourself congratulations...from me!

P.S. noticed this is my 1300th post...I dedicate it to you!

quote:

Originally posted by mark uk:
[qb] A huge Thanks to you guys.
I lost it for a moment.I felt weak and vunerable and all alone,if I hadn't had expressed myself with rambling I would have exploded and would have been no use to anyone.And there are others with more critcal needs than mine.
Like Don says it is the Geography that keeps us apart. What a Commune we would all make
Thanks Larry I know you haven't been with us that long but your impact is felt with your words.
As for you Daniela I too wish that 'Star Trek' technology was here now instead of waiting for the 24th Century.
With you guys help and words I know it will get better.I guess Iam still getting used to the facts of being a Single parent.

Huge Hugs to all you guys.

With my sincerest regards,

Mark [/qb]

COngrats on your 1300th post B.

Mark, I just read your post as I have no really good reason of having missed it other than I have been making it a point to not get on the net as much and spend time with my kiddos more. I think you are doing a great job and hope that you do not second guess your fight for your children any more. If you love them enough to fight that hard for them than there is nothing you would not do to gove them what they need regardless of poor eyesight or any other disability. I am sure that your children are not second guessing where they are and are very happy to have such a great dad in their lives. Around here we have children's play areas at the shopping mall and I have met a lot of really nice people there while my kids played with their's. Hope you are feeling better about this by now but if not here is a big ((((((hug)))))) for you!

Jeanne

Thanks for the support.
Congrats B on reaching 1300 posts.

Well, I had a better day today.I will find it easier when the kids and I are back at school on Thursday.I have the Mother and Toddler group and have to contend with about 25 pre-school kids and making them laugh whilst having snacks and juice.
I had a phone conversation with another person today who is very special to me and she made me smile for the rest of the day.

Thanks to you all I will be back to normal service very rapidly.

Huggles to all,where ever you are.

The music has now been put back to normal service.
I need to chill. Will anyone join me in listening to some classic 1960's Motown and Soul.
Featuring:
Mr. James Brown
Martha and the Vandellas
Fontella Bass
The Spencer Davis Group

And maybe later if Iam still awake we will have the musical genius of

Queen
Phil Collins
Bryan Adams
Followed by the complete 'Dirty Dancing' Album and also 'The Blues Brothers' and' Blues Brother's 2000' soundtracks


Mark

If that doesn't do it, nothing will.
Glad to hear normalcy and better days have revisited you. JD is still working on the star trek beamer machine but scotty hasn't returned his call as to how to feed quarters into it.

Larry,you made me crack up with laughter.
Iam hoping the music does the trick for me.

I so wish you didn't live so far away! I just want your CD Collection!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh...and I guess it'd be nice to say hi to you too

quote:

Originally posted by mark uk:
[qb] The music has now been put back to normal service.
I need to chill. Will anyone join me in listening to some classic 1960's Motown and Soul.
Featuring:
Mr. James Brown
Martha and the Vandellas
Fontella Bass
The Spencer Davis Group

And maybe later if Iam still awake we will have the musical genius of

Queen
Phil Collins
Bryan Adams
Followed by the complete 'Dirty Dancing' Album and also 'The Blues Brothers' and' Blues Brother's 2000' soundtracks


Mark [/qb]

Hi B
I may have to slow it down aliitle and save some for tomorrow as it is almost 1.30am here.But I will add to it

I want a 'Star Trek' transporter for next Christmas or failing that all you guys on a 'Holo' deck
Hugs

Now a Holo Deck could be really cool, but only if we could all agree on where to "go" and I have a feeling that could be a hard one!! I could probably narrow my choices down to 5, but even that would take a week to narrow it down!

I am all for the transporter...as long as I see someone else go before me - I don't want my nose where my elbow used to be!!

Did anyone get a copy of James Taylor's Christmas album this year? I'm so angry! Hallmark was the only one releasing it and was sold out before I got a chance! (sorry Mark, treading on your thread again )

There is never a slow down to the music playing in my house, I tend to let the music run all through the night by hitting repeat all on my favorite CD in the player. I sleep like a baby that way, but have a hard time getting up to the alarm clock after!