I am a recently divorced dad of 3 extraordinary kids, 17, 14 and 10. I am truly blessed. My divorce will be final Feb. 22nd. I asked their mom to leave at the beginning of December after finding her having an affair with another woman. She claimed she had been hiding this "feeling" for a number of years during our 20 year Marriage. I am a very good man. (Not to down other men, but I have always worked very hard to be as good a "man" as possible to my wife and children, to be an example of what a father and husband should be). Now I find myself dealing with my youngest daughter crying at night because she misses her "Mommy" who was her whole world. My Son is very angry with this whole situation as his mother was his "Buddy" and has obviously abandoned him, no matter how much she visits. And my oldest daughter is very angry, and could care less if she ever saw her mother again. I run a rollercoaster on a daily basis between still being very much in love with the woman that I had planned to spend the rest of my life with and beating the living F*** out of this woman who is causing my children so much pain and sadness. I am very good to my ex, helping her as much as possbible, helping her get an apt. and basic necessities, supplying her with a celphone, and a vehicle during the week at no cost to her until she gets on her feet. I have full custody of our children and (Thank our Wonderful God) have no need of child support from her. I work very hard to help my children keep from developing a hateful attitude towards their mother,she was absolute stunning example of what a wife and mother should be, prior to this revelation, but I know that I will only be minimally successful at that. My children are homeschooled, always have been, which means I have my hands full. I am self-employed and run my own service business, which leaves me with only so much time with my children. I work out on a regular basis to help relieve stress and keep healthy, but somedays it really get to me, like this evening. I guess a lack of sleep is the thing I suffer from the most. Like I started out saying, I guess I'm just really looking for a place to vent more than anything else. My apologies ladies, because right now I am very angry with women. Deep down I have always considered women the most precious gift in life, but of course, since my wife left, that attitude has seriously changed. I don't wan't to feel like that. I am a very positive, happy-go-lucky person. But now, If I didn't have my kids, I don't know if would have the will to go on. I am in regular counseling, weekly, but I don't know anyone in my situation. Oh well, I guess I have vented enough. To anyone, thanks for listening. Have a good night, week, weekend.

Paul, welcome to the site. Hope to see you stick around. I know what you are going through is hard. Big shock for you and the kids no doubt. Time will help, and the counseling. Are your kids getting counseling as well to help deal with this?
You will find many great people here. Enjoy the site, it has much to offer.

Paul,
It sounds like you are doing the right things. I would advise getting the kids into counseling. Perhaps some kind of family counseling.
I am sure you will find many helpful people here. Feel free to vent as much as you need.

Thanks for the words of encouragement.
I am already in the process of setting up counseling for my kids.

On a related note;
Does anyone know of any posting sites where my older kids could maybe discuss with other kids in similar situations how they feel, what they could do for stress management, etc.
I would hope they are sites that are sctrictly moderated for appropriate content.

Thanks in advance. =0)

Man, Am I mad! I mean really pissed!

I let my Ex keep her celphone, so my kids could call her as needed/want or in case of emergencies. I pay for it.

I let her use the car during the week, so she can go to work. I mostly just need it on the weekends to do things with my kids and take them to church.

What does she do? Her lover's car get repo'd, has a suspended license, and needs a celphone for emergencies. So she lets her lover use what I provided for her!

Am I going f***ing nuts? I try to be nice, to keep things smooth and this is how I'm repaid?

Unf***ing Believeable!

Talk about pushing somebody to the limits.

And then, I get " I still consider you and the kids my family." and " I still love you and care about you."

Ladies, if you're reading this, tell me:
Is this possible? Because I can tell you right now, for a "Man" It's not!!

Oh well, What the Hell do I know, anyhow?

Paul,
I think she's playing you. She knows your a nice guy and care about the kids, so shes using this all to her advantage. Unfortunity it doesn't always pay to be nice.
For the record. Men do do this to women also.

You are grieving...That is healthy and good. Be angry, but remember that your children need direction more now than ever before. They are looking at their last and final leader and you need to take the reins and lead....

You do need to take some time to grieve but you also have to start taking action with your new situation. Everything is changed now. You have to stop helping your ex, because you are allowing her to have a backup. Believe me, she knows this. Once she realizes she made a mistake...she is going to come running back. Is this something that you want? Are you keeping the door open for her to fall back on? I am not including your kids here. I am asking you...as a man and her lover?

As far as your kids go...do they have to continue in homeschool? I would sit down with them (and soon)and let them know that now that things have changed do they want to go to school outside of the home? A change in something outside the home and in a more social setting. I don't know your kids or how they would like this, or how they would fit in, but sometimes being around other kids is a good distraction and way to join in some other groups. You have to join with your kids as a new unit because if you do nothing, you are continuing on as if nothing has changed, and that is not the case. Your kids are angry and sad and that is to be expected...all you can do is tell them that you too are angry and sad but you didn't create the new situation so let's sit down together and decide what we are going to do about it...talk about it. While all this is going on that your kids are angry they are also wondering, possibly fearing, what is going through your head and what YOU might do next. Your ex has taken some security with her and your kids need to hear from you that you aren't going anywhere.

Please keep us posted...

Paul,
I agree with everything Thinker has said. As for the homeschooling, yes I agree as well. Your children are of the age that they can start making some decisions for their new life (or new "normal" as a counselor said to my daughter). Once I got my daughter involved in some new activities after separating from her father it helped her to heal. This will also allow you more time to heal yourself.
Sit them down and have a family conference. Explain to them you are not going anywhere and you need their help. Involve them in some decisions for change so you all can have as normal of a new life together. Vent here rather than around them so they can have their own opinion of their mother. Be very careful how you talk about her choices for a partner and ask that they speak respectfully of these choices. IF a working relationship developes between the two of you this other person will be in their lives. Make it as easy as possible on you and the kids. As for the cell phone.. they do still have pay phones around she can use those... give the cell phone (if you have an unbreakable contract) to the 17 year old if and when she goes to school.

Paul,
One more note. As for her choices and still considering you and the kids her family. She is confused but the feelings can very well be real. She has hidden these "feelings or choices" for years. If it truly how she "is" then she has lived her life as a lie and how society or family thinks she should live it. Yes, she possibly still cares for you and the kids. You made it possible for her to have those beautiful children. It sounds as though you have help take good care of her and them for 20 years.(My only care left for my ex is that he did make it possible for me to have my beautiful daughter... otherwise he is a waste of time). Stop enabling her .. cell phone, car, etc. ... to take advantage of you. Simply tell her you need those things back due to new changes in yours and the kids lives.

Paul,

First welcome to the board! I agree with the others with first talking to the kids. I'd sit them down and explain to them about school and let them decide. It may even be better for the 2 younger ones as well. After we moved up to GA and enrolled the kids in school, I found out that the school offered counseling for them. They go into group counseling for kids with only one parent, once every 2 weeks and get to talk about their feelings. I think it's helped my middle one a lot. You may want to check with the school system if you do plan on putting them in and see if they offer anything like that as well.

20 years of marriage is a long time. I know the pain you�re going through. The hurt and anger is so hard to overcome. You made some good choices so far by going to counseling and talking about it here. A lot of us either has been there or is going through similar things. Working out is another great choice. I went into kick boxing for a while and had my knuckles bleeding there a few times. It�s a good way to relieve some of the stress that you don�t want the kids to see.

You can tell how nice of a person you are for loaning her the car, and the cell phone. But enough is enough. If she can not be thankful for the things you are doing to help her out, then it�s time to pull away and close the door. I know you probably want to help her out cause after 20 years; you probably still have deep feelings for her. Our feelings just don�t disappear overnight. You need to start taking control and pulling away from her. Her saying she considers you and the kids still part of her family is wrong. It sounds like she knows there are still strings left that she can pull and she�s pulling them. If she is not helping you with child support, then there should be no reason why she can�t make it on her own.

Anger is a hard emotion to get through. Anger can go into so many other things like hatred and loathing. Just don�t give into it and keep strong. Talk to your kids as much as possible and try to spend as much time as you can with them. Let them know that they can talk with you. You may want to look into family counseling for you and the kids. It never hurts.

Thanks for all the great responses, guys, err, and ...ladies.

I have been helping as much as I can, obviously as someone mention because:
- I do have deep feelings for her,
- I have taken care of her for over 20 years. It's difficult to shake that feeling of need to care for her welfare.
- I also consider myself still married until our divorce is final (next week). At which time, I know I have to cut supportive ties.

Do I want her back. In the best of situations, Of course! With the baggage she is holding onto currently? No. Absolutely not. And unfortunately, the reason is not good; simply because I would not put my children through this hell twice.

I and my children are adjusting well.
The little things are the toughest. For example:
We haven't been out to grab a burger at a fast food joint since before the separation. Today I stopped and grabbed burgers for the kids; the feeling of something missing because I had to order one less meal was nearly overwhelming. Over ordering freakin burger! Somedays are just harder than others. Overall I'm doing quite well, but I'm not happy. I was a very happily married man. And now that's gone. My divorce will be final next tuesday, and this fact saddens me greatly. Similar to grieving all over again. The feeling of failure, despite the fact I couldn't change anything to avoid the situation, is unbelievably strong.
I see what you people are saying, but I just can't shake this empty feeling. I am not depressed, just not happy. I am used to being happy. Oh well,I'll cope and go on. Thanks again for all the support, I really appreiciate it.

Hi Paul,

Welcome to SFV. Can't offer too much advice cuz I've never been there like that but I admire your strength. You are giving a good example to your kids by being the good father.

Sounds like Christmas Eve jitters. I think once next week passes you will see things differently. You will still mourn the death of the marriage so be prepared for some down time but your strength will carry you through. And the ladies here will renew your faith in women. It seems we attract the finest here. And we all understand your emotions. Not all women are like your soon-to-be-ex. Many here have walked those same steps you are now walking.

Stay with us.

One day at a time....after my 20 year marriage ended I was lost (and I was the one who left)-- everything changes: friends, daily routins, etc... you know like the burgers. You and your kids will make it and you will be happy again! Sassy

I think the hardest part for me is accepting the fact ive been a welcome mat in both the marriage and with my ex fiancee. some people are born pleasers and bend over backwards to help others. Ive watched the ones i had loved so much disrespect me with affairs,lies and so on meanwhile i cooked cleaned took care of bills the lawn, worked full time and took care of the kids both times. i am angry at them sometimes but im more angry at myself for not standing up and saying you cant treat me that way im worth way more then that. my oldest children have watched me become a more confident person since then. I miss having someone in my life to lean on and to hold me at night. i miss the good times i had with my ex husband for 13 years. I just hold onto the knowledge i wouldnt have grown into the person i am now without the pain ive been through. use the experiances youve had paul to grow and become a better person, dont stop being a nice guy just learn when your limits and dont let anyone cross them. whatever you do dont hold on to the anger it only hurts you and the kids. (i know ) its a day to day process good luck

I don't know exactly how long it takes to grieve...some days I still grieve losses I thought I had gotten over, and some days the events trigger pain I didn't know I needed to work through. I tell myself when I'm angry, that it is a feeling... I try to locate the trigger... I try to feel it, and understand how I can learn from what I'm feeling. My ex chose to leave in 1999, I wanted it. There were still many things, and still are many things to work thru. We officially divorced April 2004. I went thru a long seperation before the "End" and a lot of highs and lows. I'm still working on living as a single parent. It took me a while in my head to think about what was good for me, not what was good for him. I got lost in working on how to help him, and got caught up in being angry because he never returned the effort, or thought about what was best for the kids. I have learned to think of myself as an individual, with children. I distance myself from his needs, and focus on what I can do for my new way of living with my kids to make us good. He has to work on his life with the kids. We don't always see eye to eye..I try to think of him as a business partner... I'm learning to be okay with who I am, and and teaching my kids that I can't control thier fathers choices. I tell them often how much I love them, and that I know thier father loves them. When he disappoints them I tell them I love them again and listen to how they feel and try to help them deal. Someone said "this too shall pass" and the anger passes, the sadness passes, the hurt passes, as long as we focus on building ourselves up and building new experiences and relationships that support us. What you are going thru is grief... Eventually the joy returns be paitient with yourself. God Bless