I don't know where to start. Long story short: I met the perfect person 5 years ago. We dated married and now have two great kids. Somewhere along the way I worried too much about my job and the bills and life and I guess I neglected her and her needs. So now she has found who she is inside and that new person does not want to be married (to me anyway). It has been a growing feeling I've had for about 5 months now. When I fisrt felt it I really stepped up and shouldered so much more of the load. The more attention and care I gave, the farther she moved away. The more free time I gave her, the more she looked for something/someone else. Now she has a couple of suitors and while I feel my efforts were probably too late, I feel good that I did try.

Last week I went with her to find an apartment that was close, safe, clean, etc. I don't want her to suffer because it will mean my kids suffer when they are with her. I did require joint custody because I fear with primary custody she would move back to Alaska (her home state) the day the court ruled in her favor. I've changed my whole life so that I will be around these kids forever. Visitation is no option.

She is still in the house until she can move into her new place. It's hard - real hard. There is so much I want to say about the mistakes we both made and the help we both need, but I'd have better luck talking to my walls. She waits eagerly for emails from the new guys and hey, they are more exciting - mainly because they're new. Once that fades and she realizes where she is, pride will take over and she'll continue on. I guess holding out hope is lost.

My parents divorced when I was 18. Maybe they stuck it out for me, maybe it was just timing. I don't know - I don't care. The marriage was disfunctional anyway - but when you're a kid you don't realize that - all you know is what you see. Her mother has been married 3 times and is single to this day. Niether of us had a good role model, but that never meant we could not learn and grow from our own experiences.

This is so very hard for me. I am just rambling because I'm exhausted from the emotions, the lack of sleep, the lack of food, quiting my job so I'd have a fighting chance in court, all of it. Mostly I exhaust myself with the hopes of the future and self-pitty.

I'm searching for a friend, someone who knows the future will be better and can tell me that. Sorry about the venting but it makes me feel better.

Thanks.

Keep your head up Dad! It sounds like you have a thorough understanding of what went wrong and why, as well as taken responsibility for your role, which means you (personally) can only do better moving forward. As far as you wife goes, she sounds like a woman who is enjoying being who she has grown to become and is thrilled with the interest her new-found confidence is attracting. Unfortunately, you probably weren't there for her while she was suffering through the growing process, which is probably why she doesn't want to share the results with you. And when you finally realized it, and tried to step-up, she probably became more distant because she felt that you wanted to step in after she struggled through the progress by herself and she probably felt that you didn't deserve the luxury of reaping the benefits of all her hard work without putting in the effort when it was needed. If you keep on being as understanding and as considerate as you have been, she will eventually come around and appreciate you for who you have become and she will (hopefully) realize that you are now a better person too. At that point, she may put her resentment away and put her guard down so that you two can begin rebuilding your relationship. Don't get your hopes up, though...rebuilding your relationship doesn't necessarily mean that you will get back together (although that may be what you want-and what would probably result in a fairy tale ending.) But if you can both (at least) learn to be friends again and forgive each other for the things in the past...that would be a blessing for your kids, a weight lifted from your hearts, and be the foundation by which your children will base how they deal with their feelings towards you and their own failed relationships in the future.

Lauren and Matt must be great kids, because - through the emotions I felt in your words - they seem to have great parents who are both going forward with enough love and intelligence to learn from their mistakes and make choices that will push them forward in life---they're lucky kids.

I don't mean to come off as a "wanna-be" phychologist, because I'm not. It's just that I played the same role you did in a 5 year relationship with the person I thought was my soul mate. It took me a while to realize why things turned out the way they did, the role I played in the inevitability of our separation, and how I have to move forward with a heart that I can share with someone else, but will never fully mend because a part of it will always belong (and want to be shared) with the person I loved so much, yet let down so badly.

(You thought you were the only one who could ramble on, huh?) Well, I'll shut-up by saying that it was up-lifting to have come across your posting. It gave me confidence that there are good men out there who are sensitive and mature enough to prioritize their interests by thinking with the love they have in their hearts, rather that the lust they have in their pants, or the money they have in their pockets. I haven't had much luck finding someone who understands me and keeps me interested spiritually and intellectually, but reading your words has given me a new vision of hope that there are more men like you out there. The love you have for your children, the regret you have regarding the mistakes you made with someone you truly loved, and the sincere intention you have toward making things right - not even for yourself, but for your kids and the woman you love make you a very special person - your kids and your wife are very fortunate to have you (even though she doesn't know it - YET!)

Good luck and keep positive...things will get better. Have confidence that you will find the right path and will be happy again...because you deserve it.

Thanks Pebbles.

I actually helped her move out yesterday and it was very difficult. Dealing with someone who is so far gone is always hard when you're trying to be helpful.

Anyhow, your kind words were very helpful - and honestly, couldn't have come at a better time! If you care to, you can email me at rtcoady@yahoo.com anytime and shoot the breeze. This weekend is my first 5 day stretch with the kids alone (knowing that mommy is not coming back home).

Thanks again,

Ryan

Hi Ya Dad, Let me tell you from personal experience, Your children will have the greatest respect and love for you for you making sure you are there for them. You are headed in the right direction. and try not to be so hard on yourself.. Your a hard working man, and has the drive to make sure his family is cared for. My Dad is and always will be like that because that is the way he was brought up to provide and make sure that his family had food on the table heat to keep you warm Water to drink and a roof over our heads, and still made time for me. I have so much admiration for my Father, its really great. My father and I very close. and my parents divorced when I was 9 and instead of leaving with my mom I chose to stay with my Dad. and we have always had this special bond. that I am kind of sad that my children will never get to experience. But I am doing the best I can for them and they make me feel good when they hug me and tell me how much they love me.. Well hey I hope things go well, dont worry You will be back and now just think your new and improved.. You have a Big Heart.. Take care Lisa

YOU SOUND LIKE A SUPER DAD!! YOU KIDS ARE VERY FORTUNATE TO HAVE SOMEONE LIKE YOU. GOOD LUCK !!!