Hi everyone,

I've been reading a few topics here and there for the last month and finally finished reading through Dali's post. I feel like I am in a situation very similar to his but at the beginning stages. Here's my story.

My wife of two and a half years separated 3 months ago. Our marriage was not really too strong and we are both at fault for letting it become a terrible situation for both of us. I finally put my foot down and knew we had to separate when she became too violent with me. Throughout the marriage she hit me in the shoulder if I made her mad, which I didn't make a big deal out of (I'm much bigger than she is). There were a few incidences in which she went crazy with the scratching and hitting my head, which I told her that it wasn't okay and that our marriage will be over if she does it again. Of course I let each one go. She finally went overboard and that's when I called the cops. So I have a report of what she did to me on the night we separated.

Well, I didn't press charges and I don't want to ruin her life so I just left it at that. The problem is that we have a 2 year old and she is not being reasonable with my time with him. Out of good faith I kept him on his regular routine and dropped him off with the wife's mother because she watches him while I'm working or the wife is at school. I really felt that his routine would remain the same but it drastically changed. I am still in the home we had because it was mine before I ever met my wife and all she did was want to move to a new place. Basically, I hired a lawyer, then the wife wanted to do the divorce ourselves(I think because she feels like she can manipulate me - which I admit she does), I agreed and now the process has gone to a halt because of her stalling and my not finding time to fill out the forms. I agreed to all of this to try and make my relationship with the wife okay so that we can still raise a healthy child. Well, now that I'm on vacation, I wanted to adjust my child's schedule so that he can spend more time with me. She was okay to give me more afternoon hours if we take away my only overnight. Of course, I'm didn't agree to it.

I just don't understand how unreasonable she is being. She says all of her actions are in the best interest of our son but I don't see why he can't be with me, instead of her mom, when she is at school (she decided to change careers, when we got married).

So my question is how do I get her to go see a mediator, something I always brought up, if she doesn't agree to it. She is still fighting for the marriage and she says that she loves me and wants us to be together, but all of my love for her is gone. I want more time with my child who I have for only 20% of the week. Should I just have a lawyer handle everything since she is not being cooperative with the divorce ? Sorry about the long message and I hope to hear from you. Thanks

I would definitly seek out a lawyer on this one if she is not willing to cooperate. And also, welcome to the site.

Welcome to the site. Something I usually ask when the divorce papers haven't even been filed yet....have you tried counseling? If it's beyond that than so be it.
At any rate, you also stated you haven't found time to fill out the papers yet, besides her stalling so that'd be a great place to start is to have it written out by both sides just what they want to maybe begin a compromise, or at least have that so a mediator knows what they're working with. Sometimes when both parties can't come to agreements on things such as visitation schedule as you talk about, the best solution would be to get the paperwork filed and let the courts sort it out. Typically you both will be sent to a mediator by the judge if you don't readily agree with what you are both seeking as a means to find a middle ground you'll both accept. The judge would rather that stuff be hammered out already without having to make those decisions in the end.

I understand what you are ging through. I tried to go through my divorce by doing it myself with my ex wife and it turned out that everything would benifit her and leave my boys and i with hardly anything. So I went to a Lawyer and got everything taken care of with them. If I were you I would got to a lawyer and have her go with you or at seperate times so that things are agreed upon before it goes to court. Like Paul said, the judge would prefer that everything was already taken care of before you enter thier court. It's much easier that way. That is often refered to as an uncontested divorce, which are less costly.

Thanks for all of the advice. The main problem is that she still wants to save the marriage but I cannot be with her for the rest of my life. She does not want to go see a mediator with me and I'm just not sure how to reason with her.

The dissolution papers have been filled out and I had them sent to her because she said that she would prefer that method rather than a personal service. I found out Monday that the papers were sent back to my lawyer's office because she refused to sign off for it (it went through certified mail). I then told my lawyer to go through a personnal service on Wednesday and haven't heard about it since. I am on vacation now (just finished teaching summer school) and am focusing on the paperwork again.

Another question about parenting schedules. What has worked for you guys? We have a 2 year old and the current schedule is that I have him Tuesdays and Thursdays from 3pm to 6:15pm, and Friday 3pm to Saturday 3pm. Is this okay for his age group? Books I've read and my lawyer's advice say I have a fair schedule but of course, I want more. A friend told me that one of her friends got 50% of the time for his 2 twins at that age.

She won't have a choice about going to mediation when it comes right down to it. It will be a court order to attend, to try to come to an agreement that way first.
Your visitation schedule..total time....is pretty close to normal. "Standard" generally ends up every other weekend and 4-6 weeks during the summer. You could always ask for more than what you currently have. Also, supposedly there is more and more families doing 50/50 custody, though I haven't personally seen much of it. You might find some more help on that in the custody/visitation section.
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