I have been divorced for two years. My ex and I were together for 9 and married for 6. This is my week to pick up my daughter, since it was a holiday, I let her stay the night and picked her up this morning. To my shock, there was another car in the driveway. I went inside and there was a another child and my child, then of course my ex. He seemed a little white in the face, and said, "Ummm you're early!" I said, that no I wasnt that I had told him I was on the way. I could hear a woman in the kitchen, but I didnt dare go see, because I was already feeling sick to my stomach. I quickly gathered my daughter and left.
I do not make a habit of grilling my child on her dads life. But I did ask some general round about questions. Come to find out, this woman spent the night and slept in my ex's bed w/ him. (I am not jealous!) Anyhow, but this was the first time my child had met this woman. And I did not even know she exsisted.
MY QUESTION: Isnt that extremely inappropriate for a parent to have their new interest sleep over when you child is home, especially since the child had no clue who this person is. Futhermore, my child had to share her bed with this other child. The clincher is there are two guest bedrooms!!! I feel like he was not only disrepectful to me for not atleast preparing me, but extremely disrespectful to our daughter by showing her a poor example of morals by sleeping with someone she doesnt know and he has obviously just met. HELP ME UNDERSTAND!!!

I don't think it is really appropriate for a child to be introduced to a new interest by having a sleepover the first time meeting. I think he should really exercise more discretion in his actions when his daughter is present.
Let's face it that(sleepover) may be more of an inevitably down the road if he continues to see the same person over time, and over that time your daughter would also be more comfortable with this person in his life.
If I took the complete high road of morality, that sleepover stuff wouldn't even happen until such time as he were remarried, but I'm more of a middle road person myself. Regardless I just don't see it as being a proper event when his daughter is just then meeting this new person.

I think this very much comes down to personal opinion. It hasn't happened to me yet but I would never dream of having an 'interest' sleepover without meeting and being around my daughters for some time. It just relays the wrong message to them otherwise.

I guess I am a bit old fashioned about these things

Oooo, I'm so touchy on this subject. Please forgive my going on and on.

I have mixed feelings about this one. My bigger issue would be that your daughter would have to share a bed with a child she hardly new. In my divorce agreement, my son had to have his own bed before he could sleep at his father's house. I thought that was the least he could provide.

I didn't think it would be fair to ME that I couldn't have "grown-up" time, so long as my child was with me, being he was with me nearly 24/7 until he was six years old. So, I didn't push the issue while the divorce was being settled.

On the other hand, if your daughter spends 4 out of every 30 nights at her dad's house, you'd think he could work around that.

Andy is 9 and although he hasn't known me to have a sleep over since he was 5, his father has new girlfriends every few months, and they often sleep over. He doesn't seem to be fazed. He actually, usually gets more attention from the girlfriends, or at least a decent meal. His dad treats him especially well those weekends because he has someone to impress.

I do wonder how it will affect his views of sexuality as a teen and adult. We have many conversations ahead. When I look at all that is in tv and movies, I think that is going to affect him at least as much.

And see, I think a parent has an obligation to their child first and foremost! Multiple partners set a poor example and I do think it will carry into what your child deems as a viable relationship in the future.
However, it does seem to me that he has a great mom and that should help by leaps and bounds!

I have to agree with you, Mishelle. It sets an extremely poor example. But it also takes away from the childs time with the parent. Does he want to spend time with his child, or with his 'honey'. And if it's only 4 days a month, he has other weekends to see her. Your child shouldn't have to deal with the sexuality of the father. She has enough to deal with. How can you raise her to be a moral, good woman when her father has his honey for sleepovers. I have the ultra conservative view of no shacking up before marriage. As long as there is no jealously involved, and you are only concerned about the wellbeing of your daughter, you have every right to be upset and demand no **** sleepovers.

If only you could hear me clapping!!! Thank you so much, I havent laughed so hard in a while. I LOVED your point of view, especially the "sleepover ****" lol THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!

My apologies ladies, though fitting, still profane per posting guidelines.

Oh, I didn't know the "S" word was profanity here. All boards are different...My apoligies. You should go to the Amazon website and pick up a used copy of "10 stpid things women do to mess up their lives" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. It hit home for me 6 years ago. Also dscons. She wrote one called "10 stpid things men do...." I own them both even though I'm not a man. She's a helluva author. Nothing wrong with self-help books, I'm an addict. Dating for Dummies by Dr. Joy Browne is also a good one.

No worries.

So only 10 things? hahahaha. I'll try to look into that, I'll probably see some very familiar things, hopefully more from my past though. I've had my times for sure.

I probably could add 150 to that list without even trying LOL Sry about the naughty words. We will behave....how is hootchie? LOL J.K! HUGS!

ROTFL

("Rolling on the floor laughing" for those that don't know.)

That number is probably closer to the amount of stupid things I have done in my time. I hope I'm "more smarter" these days.

I only wish that I had you guys the first time my daughter told me about "Daddy's girl - friend" that slept in his bed because the couch was already full. It wasn't like they were in the other room even, at the time my daughter was sleeping on her toddler bed in his walk in closet! It sounds bad, but it made a nice little nook for her in a home that was far from child suitable (2 bachelor's working at hooters, drinking as a hobby, and leaving paraphenelia lying about that my lawyer told me I couldn't do anything about.)

First and foremost, approach the situation as what is best for your child, not how appalled you were about the situation in general. Relationships come and go, but your child will remember how she was treated through each of them and most can't see it that way. I was 19 when I had my daughter, and I made my fair share of "sleepover" mistakes along the way. Thank God I figured it out before she was old enough to remember, as well before my son came along so that I didn't repeat my mistakes.

I really feel for you. In my experience, he didn't understand the point of view, but then again - he didn't have her long enough or often enough to know much about her in the first place. I think now that she's older, and talks to him about what bothers her, it has changed his behavior. Only took 5 hard years of forcing it down his throat (without him knowing.)

OK.

This is my first time back in a couple of months. DSCONSTRUCTS I want to talk to you later. You gave me some good advice earlier and I would like your input again.

Mishelle;

It was uncool what happened but if there is nothing in the decree then you have to try to deal with this the right way. You seem like you have a good head on your shoulders and will do what is right for your daughter. Good luck

Well I have a different outlook here. I could be wrong but here goes anyway. The basis of what you feel is jealousy. Reagrding the sharing a bed with another child thing, it would depend how old your child is. Are they both male or both female? It's fun for them when they are little and was probably their choice. Reagrding the girlfriend sleeping over, you don't actually know if anything inappropriate happened. They slept in a second bedroom, and being that this was the first time you ever saw a woman in his house or around your child means that he hasn't had multiple partners. He could have warned you, but then he probably didn't expect you to just walk in his home either. That tells me you are a little to comfortable with a home that is not yours anymore, it had to be a big shock but you should have knocked. I know what I am saying sounds like I'm putting you down I promise I am not. I am just saying that as a woman these feelings are natural we all have them and sometimes we have these feelings and look for anything to justify them and keep things we don't want happening from happening. The decision on whether or not to have this woman sleep over is your ex's call. He doesn't have to justify it to you. Thats his child also, and he dictates that relationship and what he does and does not feel appropriate doing. Until something happens where we have real reasons to say "you are not gonna do this" until he has actually done something, it stinks but you really have nothing to say and have to look long and hard at your motivation for waht you do say. Lastly, in your defense, your ex should have had some consideration for you by giving you a warning. He should also have said, hey, I'm going to introduce our child to someone just to give you the heads up. The fact that you felt sick tells me there were other things going on with you. It's not jealousy, its natural. I highly doubt he forced an uncomfortable situation on your child, parents have to have some faith in the others ability to make decisions. good luck