I am New to SFV
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quote: Originally posted by Life is good but not today:
[qb]My wife and I were maried when I was 20 and she was 18. Been married for 13 tough, but great years. We are strong LDS members and have 3 fantastic kids, a boy whos 12, another 10 and a beautiful girl of 5. We lived in Seattle for many years and moved home to Montana 3 years ago. We worked for a company that turned out to be the Enron of Montana and lost a great deal, including a 75k/year job in a land where $7.50/hour is doing real well. Relunctantly we started our own company and over the last 18 months has begun doing very well and is generating a better living than we've ever had. Its been a struggle but not without its rewards along the way...I get to rise-and-shine with my kids everyday, make them breakfast and take them to school. I also have a great deal of time control and have used that control to do things with my family that I never could with a job. My wife decided that she needed to go back to college to satisfy her desier to become a nurse. She's always had a failure complex, the same many house wives have, so I thought this would be a good thing for her, even though this ment my normal at-home mom would suddenly have 40 hours of school and studying to keep up with. Won't go into the details, but I became CEO, Soccer Dad and Mr. Mom in about a week! My wife seemed to be enjoying college and met lots of new friends. Then one day she seemed a bit down and I asked her why. She tells me "I don't know if I want to tell you." This can't be good.. "Its like this, I loved you, but I don't anymore. You've been the greatest husband and a wonderful father, what I always dreamed of, but I'm done now. Done with all this parental responsibility, done with being needed all the time and I'm just not happy! So I'm leaving you, I want a divorse. I'll be moving out this week." I was curshed, completly shocked. How? Why? What have I done wrong? The response... "Nothing at all...its all me, its not your fault. I kids are yours 100%, I just want to be a part of their lives." My hindsight becomes a microscope for the next week searching for answers to how I've driven my wife to do this...many possibe small answers come up, but only one large significant one. Flashback- over the last 13 years my wife has had 6 affairs, and I have forgiven her for each one and done the 911 thing "Get back to business as usual." (I'm not perfect, but I have been 100% true to my wife from day 1) I thought I was doing the right thing because she had such a terrible childhood (nasty divorse with parrents). The same night she tells me she wants a divorse, she suggests that I call my best friend in Seattle and talk to him. After 45 minutes of taking with him, HE gets all upset and explains that he just has an affair with my wife the weekend before on a surprise visit to our home (#6). I can't even describe the hurt I felt that night...my two closest friends...how could they?!!! My wife moved out the next day...me and the kids all crying on the front deck. One of the hardest things I've ever delt with. I've been the Rock in my family all my life...the one who never gets mad or upset...always calm and collected. Now I have to be the size of Everest to be there for my kids. That week is horrible, mixed with hopes she will come back, being dashed with new information on her many indrecissions, smoking, alcohol, lite drug use. I'm completle shattered and even with lots of friends around, very lonely and affraid of the future. Divorse? This can't be happening, she's so cold, kids asking when mommy is comming back, how will I do it alone, how could she do this to us! I'm never angry with her, but I am now and loving her and missing her all at the same time. The following friday she tells me she has a new boyfriend (#7), probably one of those 20-year-old college friends I thought were helping her. Don't know, can't care. My total focus shifts to the kids! I have to protect them from further pain...she's said she wants me to have primary care for the kids. Today I called an attorney. What a horrible experience! Talked to 5 of them today, 4 were some of the worst human beings I have ever met! Emotionless, uncaring, money first then we'll talk, don't care about what happened. The 5th guy says Uncontested Divorse, you sign, she signs and its over in 2 weeks. He tells me I need to give here at least a few days per month of time with the kids. Ok. She dosn't want the house, cars, money or part of my corporation. Just wants her new life and to see the kids a bit. Shes living in a fairytale, no job, no money, no understanding of the real world, no caring about the fact that EVERYONE she know is telling her shes making the biggest, most irational choice of her life. Everyones disapointed with her decision, but love her unconditionally and are willing to help her come back. Especially Me. I want her to come home. Am I in lala land thinking I can ever have her back? 13 years! I don't feel that I can let her come back now even if she wanted to because of what she's done. Am I wrong to think that? I think this is one of my mistakes I made in the past, not putting consiquence to actions. I'm supose to put down the retainer tomorrow and start the progess. She just hocked her wedding ring today to get money. I've never posted anything before and don't know any of you who may read this. Just looking for a little hope for me and my kids and knowledge that I'm doing the right thing for them.[/qb]
Life, Today is the first day that I registered for this web site...why, because my story reads much like yours. Returned missionary married in the Portland Temple, living in Seattle. Married 10 years to a wonderful woman who I adored. Have two incredible girls, 8 and 4. In my job, we have to move occassionally, we had been on a temporary assignment in Texas and had recently moved back to Seattle. My wife, also a stay-home mom, wanted to go back to work. She too has always felt like she contributed less too the family because she didn't bring in an income. I have tried exhaustingly to reassure her, that her contributions were far more important, and in fact were of a financial nature as we didn't have to pay for daycare costs and our kids got the benefit of having their mom home. So, she lands a great job and like you, almost immediately shifts all the family responsibilities to me and stop participating. It took 7 months before she called me at work on a Friday and told me that she didn't love me, that she was confused, and that she wanted to be alone for a while. She left that day and never came back. She doesn't want to see the kids or be a part of their lives. I learned only after she left that she has been having an affair with her boss from work and that he too left his wife and kids for her. I was devestated. I too looked at myself intraspecitively to see what had gone wrong, where had I failed her, our marriage, and our kids. Ultimately, since your are LDS and we share the same beliefs, you understand the everyone has their "agency" the right to choose their own path. While I am still recovering and will always love my soon to be ex-wife, she didn't reciprocate that and I have to let her go because that is what she has choosen for herself. Your range of emotions are all very understandable and something that I myself am going through. I want her back in my heart, but my head understands that it will never happen nor should it at this point. The worst part is how she has abandoned the kids. I have tried to make sure that they have a stable, structured environment, and are not caught in the middle as much as possible, but they still ask when they can see her and why she doesn't want to see them. I tell them that she loves them and that her leaving isn't because of them or anything they have done but is about her and me. You can't take away your kids pain, they will go through it and they will be OK if you are loving, understanding, and help them as much as possible. It is a hard lesson to learn but kids are resillent and by focusing on your recovery and theirs is the best that you can do. I would definately suggest counseling for both you and your kids. I found with my oldest daughter that she was afraid to say certain things to me because she knew that I was hurting too. But she felt comfortable sharing with a third party so rather then bottle it inside she was able to get it out and adjust....and they will adjust! I don't have real helpful tips because I am still in the process of pulling my life together. I don't know how to be single anymore. I don't know how to do this by myself, but I will learn. I made a vow to myself not to own her choices or mistakes. Forgiveness will bring you peace, but don't let it make you a fool...your ex isn't going to change and she has demonstrated that over and over again. Don't judge yourself! We all make mistakes and we all change as we go through life. Our wives had an obligation to share with us their hopes, fears, struggles, issues etc. and to let us help them before a critical meltdown....in my case, my wife didn't share any of that with me until she had already had a change of heart and now it is too late. My heart goes out to you. There are a lot of us out there who are going through this. I have started to write the positive things about the divorce in a journal and have found that it really helps during those really depressive times (and you will have them...lots of them)....what positive things you may ask?....well for me, I got the kids! In a state that favors women in the courts, if my wife hadn't totally abandoned the kids she could of had primary custody...so that is the most important. She also didn't take the house or my pension or sue for "spousal maintenance" etc. So despite the hurt, there are good things out there. I have started doing things that I love to do but gave up because she didn't like them...like camping or rollerblading etc. Look at your life and find the positive things that will come out of this. Good luck and God bless....things will get better! |
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