...do I do it?

It's been 10 months since I asked my wife to leave and divorced her. Some of you may remember me from before, I lost the info to this site and it's taken me months to find it again with a new PC. To quickly recap, ....My wife took a female lover and I caught them and threw her out, got full custody of my kids, minor child support, house, car, etc.

My kids have adjusted fairly well, I think better than I. I was married for nearly 20 years, since I was 19 years old. To those that this has happened to, you may be able to relate to what I'm about to relay to you.

Prior to meeting my wife, dating was easy, a no brainer; young and in shape, you ooze confidence. Now, older, heavier, less attractive, add the stigma of not knowing why your best friend, partner, help mate, your "woman" of 20 years left you for someone of the "same ***".

We men, (ok, not all us)have fragile egos, this kind of thing really screws with your brain. Talk about shaking someones confidence and shattering their self-worth. It makes you wonder how much of man you really are; you ask yourself questions like, "Could I have been more of this or that?" or Is there something wrong with me?

Now add to that, when you're trying to get on with your life, ladies cancelling dates, (OK, it was only once) online connections asking for you picture only to discontinue contact when you do send a photo, or when your are contacted by interested parties, they are either 15 years older or 300 + lbs. Or god forbid,the rash of beauties (at least from their pictures) that contact me from Russia. Who knows whether to believe that or not.

Am I a horrible, disfigured guy? Nope. I am however, short (5'4") stocky, (still need to lose about 20 lbs.)but, I am called handsome, attractive, & even "hottie" on a fairly regular basis. My problem is that I have lost 20 years of "dating & relating to the opposite ***" to risk oversimplify. I forget just how old I am and apparently look. I am horrible at guessing a woman's age and end up talking to a woman who apparently is up to 20 years younger than myself, to which I cannot blame these young ladies for not being attracted to apparently an "old" man. ( At least in their eyes).
The other times when I do ask, just to be on the safe side, I end up offending some 20 - 22 year old, who wonders why I would think they are too young for me. I just can't seem to win!

I don't EVEN want to go into the stories involving the "ladies" that end up being on a "work furlow program". Holy Crap! I can't even run away fast enough.
All of my "Married" lady friends tell me that "Any woman would be extremely lucky to "catch" me." and that I'm a "rare find".

What the Hell does that mean?
How come I'm still alone?

I have not had a complete night's sleep since all of this happened. I spent the larger part of my life sleeping with someone next to me. I loved being married! When I was a kid, I had always planned to be married, have kids, grow old with the woman I married. Everything is so "undone" now!
Is my life organized? Extremely.
Am I ok? Mentally? Physically Healthy? Yes, Very.
Am I surviving? Financially. I own a very succesful business and do fairly well for myself.
My kids? I am so blessed, I cannot even describe to what extent, I could go on and on.
Am I happy? With every other area of my life, "Yes"

...BUT, I had planned to be sharing this life with someone..... and now I am alone.

I can't stand being alone. I hate it. Yet, I won't sacrifice my morals or principals to be with just anyone. I cannot.

I don't know if I can ever trust a woman completely again. My view of women has changed for the worst. I used to think that women were the most special creatures on this earth, to be protected, loved, even placed on a pedestal.

Now ... I don't dare say what I think, either at the risk of offending or maybe just to keep myself from reading what I write and believing it even more.

I once was a very "NICE" man,...I am less so now.

So I say all of that Men, Ladies.... to say this:

What is it that women want? Cause after everything that has happened, I have no clue.

I just know I don't want to be alone, I want someone to share my life with. My kids even can see this. They ask me when we're out: " What about her, Dad?" " Do you like her?"

They want me to be happy. They see what their mother did to me and to some extent, they hate her.

During the writing of this post, their mother has called to ask me to "talk" to the 2 older children, so that when she calls, they can at least "act" like they want to talk to her.

Where do I go from here?

What do I do?

Holy crap. Get out of my mind Paul!

Welcome back. glad you found us again.

Hmmmm....what do women want? Hmmmm...you wanna let all us guys know when you figure that one out cuz no-one has he answer to that.

I think part of the problem is that you are hurry to the destination and missing the journey. E-mailing, instant messaging, online dating, phone calls. All that should be done with the goal being friendships. Lower your aims to just friendship and you will have more success I think. It takes the pressure off if you just enjoy a lady for who she is. As for the ones that discontinue after seeing your pic. Ignore that. Some ladies on dating sites get hundreds of replies. It isn't personal. You are just not the one for them and they are hurrying on to the next reply. Has very little to do with your looks.

Lonliness hits us all. Try hanging out in the fun lounge for a while. Make some friends with the ladies . Be open and honest and learn to communicate with a woman again. I'm sure the ladies won't mind helping you out. They are a great bunch.

And keep your morals. You will hopefully find someone who's morals match.

I'm sending you a PM with a little something to help.

Well paulj_in_phx you have offical enter my mind and I'm a woman!!! I know I'm not supposed to be in the men's section of the board but just had to read this post. Ok you caught I'm a little nosy LOL.

Anyways it's tuff dating in the real world. I was never married but have been burnt of men that I question myself alot. Am I the freak that can't make realtionships work? I am told no b/c it's the type of guys that I pick. I guess where I'm going w/this is the fact that it's nice to hear a man has simliar insecurties as women do.

As for not charishing women. I think you've been hurt enough so that you are afraid of women. I think if you meet the right woman you would have not problem placing her on a pedstal and charishing her.

What to do women want....I think it varies with life styles, ages, etc. I know at 27yrs w/one 8yrs and one on the way in december I want someone who will judge me by me not by my past choices. Look at me as a person not a horrible person b/c I have two kids w/two men. I want a man that accepts my crazy ways and my kids. That will do the family thing w/me and my kids and theirs if they have any. Straight out honesty and yes love. I want so much more but those are little and will come in a good realtionship. I just want a nice guy. Looks are not the highest rated in my check list but they have to be good looking to me. Hmmmmmm...personaitly wins me over a lot eaiser and not the fake oh I love your kids to my face crap and then hate them after you walk thru the door. I'm rambleing but you get the pic.

I think your going to do fine just have to ease yourself back into the dating world. Don't rush..I didn't b/c I'm pregnate and needed time to accept the pregnancy and doing it alone again. Even if I was not pregnate I would still take my time going out again w/men.

I've ramble enough but yes jaysdad is right us woman will give you advice if you need it and love to meddle oh I mean help LOL. Really if you need us tell us.

good luck to you

SPIRIT

Hey Paul,

Well I am going to speak only from my point of view. These are things that I learned from my grandmother and it has kept me strong.

To start my grandmother said "never let a man put you on a pedestal" Why??? Because from a pedestal either you are always looking down or someone always has to hold you up.

Even though it is 2005 one of the main reasons I love my bf is because he is a strong man...not a hoolum or thug but strong in his presence. At the same time he is strong enough to let me take care of him. I think I had to go through bad relationship to appreciate the one I have now.

My kids dad and I were together for about 8 years and during that time I began to lose myself in him. Even though he is a pig, that was not fair to him. To make him the responsibility of my whole world. After it ended I had a few bad relationships and then my mom told me that I needed to be happy with me first before anyone else could compliment my happiness. She was saying that you can't "look" for someone to "make" you happy. Because that is too much resposibility for one person and also you never give up that much power.

But I met my bf when I went back to school and we became hi/bye friends. Until one day we just started talking...understand he was not my usaul type. But I began to like him as a man. To be honest I was not his usaul type either, he usually dated the high mantience type. Don't get me wrong I am a cutie I can just put it together really quick.(hey I do have two kids)

But anyway we started dating about a month after he graduated. We dated for about three months before we became exclusive. The key is not to rush. But we have been together now for 2 years. I let my feelings develope slowly and did not rush his. I did not tell him I love him for a least a year. Because my heart mind and body had to be in unison. My body was in love long before the rest caught up.

Well I have been rambling....just know there is not a set formula that all women go by. Some want to be saved, some want to be taken care of , some want to be dominant. It does not matter what women want...it matters what one woman is compatible to you where you two compliment each other.

PM me anytime...I love guys like you because you are where my cousin was 5 years ago when the woman he loved left him for his best friend...and then told him that the son that he has loved and cared for for 2 years was not his and he had no rights to him...ouch...but he is much better now (how could he not with a cousin like me )

Paul my time is short right now but I just wanted to see if maybe you could look at this a bit differently. I think, maybe because I'm a chic, that to have your partner leave you for someone of the same gender would be great. Hear me out. I mean it completely takes you off the hook for doing something wrong. People don't just wake up one morning saying hmmmmmm I think I'll start to like girls today or vise versa. It has nothing to do with your performance as a man you just weren't a girl. I wish my ex liked guys then I wouldn't have to question what I did wrong all the time. I could just say hey I just wasn't born with the right tools. This was obviously a problem with her and you should think of it that way. I am surrounded daily by those who choose to live an alternate lifestyle and I can say it has nothing to do with what you did or didn't do.

A mid-life crisis is not just limited to men, it's just men tend to be a bit more flashy about it. Maybe she just snapped, and it's just that simple. Take it off your shoulders.

Scoutmom is right I too think it would have been easier to have my X's go gay b/c then I would not questin myself about myslef. What is it that I did not have that she does? I know it's still got to be hard to take as well. It's not you it was her that made the descion.

SPIRIT

Scoutmom,
I know I've heard it before, but for some reason, it has gotten through this time. YOU'RE RIGHT! You're all right!! Thank you.

That's why I came here! I'm adding my picture.
Here it is ...

DON'T RUN AWAY NOW!!

And I don't know if you're supposed to do this or not. but here's my kids. You'll see why I'm so proud of them. They make me laugh, and I need that right now. http://members.cox.net/lightblade_maiden/Move_Along_Watch.html

Let me know what you think. And ladies, my boys are TOO YOUNG for your daughters. So don't show this to them. LOL. BTW, my kids would love your feedback.

I'll be back on and keep you posted. I'm supposed to meet up with an old friend from high school soon. I was nuts about her then and never had the nerve to say anything.

Uh....how do you put your picture in here.... uh help. Oh well. =0)

You're still here? Go meet your friend.

...and do an image like this:

[IMG]http://www.sault.us//images/creation.jpg[/IMG]

...which gives you the following.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm not meeting up with her today; in the near future. I'll keep you posted. Otherwise wild horses couldn't keep me away.

OK binarian what am I doing wrong with the photo thing? Not that you people really care to know what I look like, but I hate not being able to figure this out. I'm trying to pull it from my yahoo album but it just does not seem to be working. I tried typing it just how you said and it isn't working. Grrrrrrrrrr!

I remember it not working from my yahoo storage either...I ended up putting it in my comcast storage instead, and it worked fine.

I think that there's a few free storage sites posted around here...maybe in the threads that tell how to post pics...dunno...

Paul,

Wow! Did you make that? It looks like a lot of time went into it...seriously cool...

Later,
Bobby

Welcome back Paul. I see you've been getting some great advice and input already, you are in good hands here.

Scoutmom, no yahoo photos can't be linked into forums. There are plenty of pic hosting sites than can though. http://singleparentsnetwork.com/ubb/ultimatebb.php?/topic/9/18.html that thread may help also.

It took me forever to figure out the Yahoo thing. Oh computers are such a mystery to me. I'll check the thread. After the Mountain Dew I'm going to be up for a bit anyway (doh!) I may as well pretend to be doing something constructive. Thanks