I'm a 31 year old single mom of two wonderful sons. Shacor is 13 & Diamond is 12. My sons have two different fathers, however they do not know they do, at least we have never admitted it. When I say we, I'm referring to Diamond's father. I'm going to try to keep this as short as possible. I met Diamonds dad when Shacor was just 2 weeks old. We started dating and seeing eachother exclusively and he insisted on being a father to Shacor. Shacor's biological father abandoned him after he was only a week old. He attended all doctors appointments during the pregnancy and was even in the room when he was born, he signed the birth cirtificate and brought over a case of milk and pampers when we brought home Shacor from the hospital. He came over to visit him 2 or 3 times and after that I never heard from him. Anyway, Diamonds dad has been the only father Shacor has ever known. I'm feeling like it is time for us to tell Shacor the truth. These are my reasons.

1. Shacor is wondering why he has a different last name.
2. Shacor & Diamond look nothing a like, people notice it and make comments (teachers, their friends, etc..) they have even been asked if they are cousins or if they are even related. Diamond looks just like me and Shacor looks like his biological father. Shacor wonders why he looks different.
3. Shacor has a lot of health problems (had heart surgery when he was first born & congenital scoliosis) and will need further operations.
4. During one medical procedure my mother told Diamond that Shacor has a different father, the subject is not going away.

His Dad (Diamonds father) does NOT want to tell Shacor. Everytime I try to bring up the subject he becomes angry and doesn't want to talk about it. He refuses to even discuss the subject. I feel like we need to tell Shacor the truth now before he finds out from others. It should come from us, shouldn't it? and I dont want to tell him alone for fear that Shacor will feel like his dad (Diamonds father) has abandoned him too. In the past 3 years Shacor has had a lot of behavorial issues and I think this is at the root of it. I feel like he needs reassurance from his Dad that he is loved. Their dad does not spend a lot of time with them, and could do better but he does work 6 days a week, lives an hour away and works nights. I have scheduled counseling for Shacor 1 on 1 and family counseling, how can I get hid dad to attend? Should I tell Shacor without his dads presense? I know he will ask about his biological father, what should I tell him? Until about 1 & 1/2 years ago I kept in touch with the biological father just to keep tabs so when I tell Shacor I could tell him where he is. But his phone number is now disconnected and I do not know how to find him. By the way his excuse for walking out on Shacor was that he was afraid to be a dad and scared because he was young. But I gave him chances after that and he would never show up or call. I also know that he had another son after Shacor who is the same age as my son Diamond and he took care of that son. I'm confused and do not know what I should do.

I know this is long, but please help me. Any advice is appreciated...

What a difficult situation.My only advice would be to be honest with him.He is fully old enough to understand the implications.But the truth is better from you and for him to know he is just as loved as he ever was by you and you husband(b/f)and will continue being loved.
There is no doubt he will be angry.But emphasise that nothing has changed.The guy he knows as his dad from 2 weeks old will still be his dad.
It is going to be tough for all of you for a while.But if the truth is already half way out with your Mother.You may as well go the whole way and deal with the aftermath while he is still young and not older and resentful if he ever finds out for himself and you never said anything and starts calling you names and being abusive.

Do what you think is the right thing.I have only offered my personal opinion.I wish you well

Regards,

Mark

Thank you Mark, yes it is a difficult situation. Shacor's dad that he has known since 2 weeks old and I are no longer a couple and haven't been for at least 6 or 7 years now. He still interacts with him as Shacors dad, with discipline, taking care of him & picks them both up for weekends. But I'm afraid to tell Shacor without his dad being present and his dad will not even entertain the conversation. He feels that it is not necessary. I think that Shacor's behavior will continue to deminish if we are not honest with him.

I think, that since grandma dropped a hint that the time for the truth is nigh. Your son is entering manhood, a time when finding yourself is as much of the journey as the destination. He seems to becoming self-aware and don't you think it's best that what follows will be based on truth and not an angry young man's wonderings?

Tough call...my heart goes out to you.

thank you jaysdad. I know for sure that he needs to know the truth. But should I tell him without his Dad? What can I do to convince his dad to support this decision and convince him that it's important. I really don't want to do this without his dad, or at least I dont think it will go well without his dad on board. I think he needs to be to one to reasure him that he is loved. When I say dad i'm speaking of the one who raised him.

Tough situation, but then isn't so many things in life
I agree it is time to tell him. If his dad(yes I know who you mean) can't be there for you and him when you have this talk, then you may just have to have that talk without him. Give him a very fair opportunity to be a part of that talk, but have that talk with Shacor one way or the other. Hopefully his dad will come around about that very soon for you, because my opinion is the sooner the better that Shacor hears the full truth from his parents. I do hope that his dad can hold on to the love that he's had for his son all these years, and be there for him for the truth as well.
Best wishes

I hope dad will step up. If not the boy still needs a solid foundation on which to build his budding persona. The foundation now is shaky with doubts. Share with him the truth and his natural ability to adapt will take over but he will need guidance to aim him in the right direction.

Good luck.